Dream Diary

This is my personal dream diary. I began recording my dreams around fifteen years ago. I'm now posting an on-going diary on-line to illustrate my new method of interpretation, which is explained in another section of this site.

To better understand the meaning of each dream you might check the diary section of this site to see my circumstances at the time of the dream.

Dark Millenium

I was in a hotel in an unspecified Asian country reading a computer magazine and thinking of all the free programmes that came on the CD. There was a computer before me and I was looking forward to playing it. Then a boy came up to me. He was excitedly telling me about something he had from nineteen eleven'? or something like that. He seemed to want to show me something but I didnn't understand so I told him to go and get it. He went away and returned with something that looked like an old record. There was then another foreigner there and he played it to see what it was. When it played it was like a video. The TV showed a childrens' propgramme from Nepal with Nepali presenters showing Nepali children life-size models of Nepali rickshaws but they had British flags all over them for some reason.

���� There I was in Panjim, the capital of Goa (South India(where I was thinking of spending the millenium)). I stood on a street corner and two friends arrived, one man and one woman. I was shocked that they had planned for us all to go up in a light-aircraft. I thought I'd better change my trousers, and when the man saw I had a joint disease he kept trying to help me, but was really annoying and kept pushing my head down. We had to get a move on because it was the night of the millenium and he was Scottish and wanted to celebrate. We saw some kind of Scottish pub but he had an unstated objection to it, perhaps because it was so rowdy. He wanted to go to an Irish pub. We went to neither but started running for some reason. While we were running the woman gave me a large amount of money that she said she owed me; it was in a money-belt that looked exactly like a pollution-mask. I asked her if she'd stay with me until I transferred it to my own money belt but she hesitated because it was dark already and there was nowhere to do it safely. All this time we were running. We then ran into a restaurant. It had a huge wall as a kind of dead end and there was no where else to go. The man grabbed me and started theatrically dancing with me. I was vaguely aware of people looking at me but was very drunk all of a sudden. I looked and saw there was a path ahead that lead away but was so drunk it wobbled and was hazy in my vision. We realised it was nearly midnight and we lay down in each others arms. I was vagely dissappointed he wasnn't female but when I thought about it, it wasnn't that bad.

Interpretation

I think this is generally about being single. The first part with the computer represents me here in asia, living and working on computers. Before I was into them I used a typewriter and didn't get on so well career wise. the part with the child shows that even though life is better now as I work efficiently, I still don't fit in as I wasn't born here. though I am an Asian, I can never get away from the fact that I was brought up in Europe.

���� I think the part in Goa shows I was planning to go there for the New Year (I'm not now) and it's essentially an English resort. I find the man annoying because I don't fit in with Europeans now, especially the English as we decide against the rowdy pub, and that's how Goa is at New Year.

���� We start running and the woman gives me money she owes me in a pollution mask. I think that means that I'm rabidly single since the last time (and first) someone broke my heart! The pollution mask means I avoid every one and all social contact, oweing the money could mean owed time in that I've not really spoken to anyone for years.

���� We run into the restaurant and the man dances with me. I suppose it represents being so single. There's a path ahead but I'm avoiding things and don't see it. I'm not sure about being happy with my male companion in the end. It could mean I've settled for second best, or it could mean, if you're going to be single for life, start liking it!

Drowning in Muliptles.

I was in a loungue type room with a psychologist. He was trying to hang a mirror on a piece of string suspended across the room. He tried for ages but it kept falling down as it was hard to balance. He got very frustrated but managed to keep a professional calm. I walked to the next room to see where the string was tied. I thought I would re-hang it, but I couldn't untie it because it was tied with lots of little knots that were too tight to undo.

���� Then I was out in the street, on my way to the station to travel south. I saw a shop selling coats and realised I wouldn't need one in the south because it would be much warmer. While I was walking round the streets I saw a woman limping and felt a kind of empathy with her.

���� Then it was night; I was in the country standing by a riverbank. I looked to my left and saw a hotel or restaurant. I wasnn't sure, but it looked like an actual hotel I know in Baga, Goa, where I was planning to go for the millenium. There were some people there but it looked closed. Then I started walking right... without walking, I'm not sure how but it was like there was some kind of vehicle beneath me. I looked in the river and saw it was full of thousands of rabbits running across the river bed without drowning. I kept going closer and closer to the edge, kind of tempting fate to see if I would fall in. I thought to myself, 'don't panic' and stayed calm as I started to the shore. There was an unexpectedly strong current that kept me away from the bank. I realised I might not make it, and suddenly felt a huge terror. I kept repeating "I don't want to die, I don't want to die'.

���� The fear woke me up.

Interpretation

This dream really persuaded me not to go to goa for New Year. The phycologist part shows my inner-problems are very deep-rooted and I'd probably feel bad amid all the drunken festivities.

���� The going south part lets me know it's about my plans to go to Goa. Seeing the woman limping is telling me that I'd feel left out in the south where everybody's partying because of my joint disease and not being able to join in due to the pain. As a last warning, I arrive in Goa and the rabbits in the river represent my painful thoughts. I coax them and fall in, then panic. I think it's saying, if I was in Goa for the New Year, once it passed and I settled there to work, I'd become depressed.

���� So over-all it tells me not to go for a party at New Year, so soon after this I booked a ticket to Bodhgaya, the Buddist site, and now shall have a religious New Year.

I've just looked at this again (July 2000). Another way to look at is is that the first part in the psychologists lets me know the following is about deep seated problems. Not needing the coat and the disabled woman could be that I avoid people as I'm unable to explain my experience of illness/disability but hope I could 'shed the shell' with someone in the same circumstances. The rabbit part means that where ever I go, I have to take my mind with me.
28th November 1999

Good it's Gone

I was in a very expensive restaurant lying down on a sofa. Someone came up to me and they said they were making my bill up now as I wasnn't a guest. I got the feeling that I wasnn't very welcome. When the bill came I noticed it included a short piece of miscelleneous writing from my Aunt, being a hoarder it was the kind of thing I would have stuck in my scrapbook. They took it away and I felt a little bad it was gone and that I should have kept it, but then realised that it didnn't really matter.

���� Then I was in Anjuna, a famous Goan beach I planned to be at soon. I paid for a room and started relaxing, but then other people arrived and I realised I was supposed to share the room. I got mad and checked out.

���� NOTE: When I had this dream I also vaguely recalled a dream I had years ago, but I could only recall the atmosphere and a very hazy scene. I got the very strong feeling that my mind was trying to send me a message.

Interpretation

The last part of this is saying again not to go to Goa. The first part refers to my new way of working. Since my bag was recently stolen I've kept alot less keepsakes than I used to, and I don't keep notebooks, everything goes straight on the computer. Somethimes I feel bad about it. I suppose the dream tells me not to.

New Year Bliss

I was travelling away from Delhi on the train and got off too soon at the wrong stop. I walked up some stairs but was too embarrassed to reboard the train so I just watched it as it pulled out the station. I climbed up a wall but my legs were too weak to get myself over. A man pushed me from behind to help, when I turned to look at him he appeared annoyed that no one had helped me.

���� It was New Years Eve and J had turned up alone to see me. I told her that since we parted there wasn't a day that I didn't think about ther (true). We went up to the roof to spend the midnight hour together. We looked at the moon but as the new millenium approached I told her I'd rather be looking into her eyes at midnight. I did, and as we entered 2000 I felt I was in paradise.

Interpretation

The first part shows my changed plans of not going straight to Goa, but waiting in Delhi, then going to Bodhgaya. I suppose it suggests the decision was also related to my health. The second part is pure wish-fiulfilling escapism!

Marathon

I was in a car driving in some kind of marathon. I started off in the UK but was soon in Asia somehow. I was with someone and we had to stop on a tropical beach because some Canadian astronaughts had been accused of rape.

���� We were soon on our way again and came to a wooden bridge with beautiful Oriental features. I was thrilled to be somewhere so exotic.

���� Then I was in a hotel, checking in. There was a polished wooden cabinet and someone asked me why I had brought it. I told them it was my brothers.

Interpretation

I think the marathon represents the seven year trip I've been on since I left England seven years ago, hence my car is suddenly in Asia. The Canadian rape part probably refers to J. who had studied in Canada and became negative concerning relationships there as she was badly cheated on. The rape part means how the experience of knowing her changed me.

���� Then I'm on an Oriental bridge that is beautiful, meaning since that time I've kind of lost the wonder of travelling that I had when I first began my 'marathon'.

���� Then in a hotel the large cabinet represents settled roots. It's my brothers rather than mine, which is teling me when I know deep down, though I have bad periods, I can never really settle and lead such a decorum life as it would kill me.

NOTE: I'm changing the format the dreams are written in from this point as the paragraphs become to long sometimes. Now a complete change in the scenery of a dream will be indicated by full paragraph space. But a sentence that is indented on it's own line but touching the paragraph above will be included to indicate change without a scenic transition, to improve readability.

16th January 2000 (In Colva, South India)

Resting at a Crossroads

I was travelling along in a rickshaw and the driver noticed a woman he liked the look of, and so he started following her up a quiet road and out into the country. Then he said I'd have to get out and walk.
����I walked following the woman but suddenly realised that the driver was on a different road. I went over to him and we met at a cross-roads. I started to get in but I got the intuition that he wanted to rest for a while. I asked him and he said he did, so we rested.

Interpretation

I think it means that when we're younger we structure much of what we do and how we act to impress people and find a mate. The dream leaves me to rest at a cross-roads while I ponder ideas of a future living with disregard to the opinions of others.

Anarchy

I saw a child run over and get killed, though when I went over it had an unreal appearance, like a child's doll. I ran about directing traffic and felt people needed me to be doing this, it seemed important that I do it well. I looked about me and realised that there were people and cars all over the place pushing and shoving in a state of absolute chaos.

Interpretation

I think this refers to the work I'm doing on the web site at the minute. It's in a state of chaos as I rewrite and redesign the main parts and it feels chaotic because nothing's linked together yet and each day I work on a separate part. I carry on as I feel it's needed and may do some good.

An Answer

I was lying in a strange bed. I had my eyes closed and saw there was a rotating spiral on the third eye on my forehead. I realised that I could push my consciousness through if I wanted. As soon as I tried the middle of the spiral show forward but the outer stayed where it was so the whole thing became a swirling tunnel, my soul shot through it. I looked down at my sleeping body, then went somewhere but I can't remember where.

Then I returned to my body.

NOTE: I had this dream on the third day after my left shoulder became paralysed and had fell asleep praying for a cure, see my Homeopathy Diary for more information concerning my health.

Interpretation

Considering the circumstances, I think that's self-explanatory.

Fortune Fisher

It was night time and I was fishing in a river. I looked up on a bridge and I saw man laughing at his friend. He said he was too fat and his ideas to catch fish wouldn't work. Then he (the one who was laughing) caught a fish. he pulled it out the water and it really glistened silver. He looked at its side and said there were 'divine numbers' on it. he added them up and was able to read his friend's fortune by them.

Then I was at a computer, I was writing about it. I stood up to get something scanned but when I went back to my seat there was someone it in. I was a little mad but I realised there was still an off-line computer I could use.

Interpretation

I'm fairly certain that this relates to my present practice of trying to reach the sub-conscious while falling asleep and the barrier is low. Being to fat probably means laziness on my part, than I don't focus enough or try hard enough. The bridge the men stand on is likely a symbol of the connection between the conscious and unconscious. The numbers on the fish I'm not sure, but it could be saying that if I can be less lazy and master the technique then my fortune would be changed. This is confirmed by the reference to off-line, as when I finish my current work on the site I'll write it up as a book-proposal, offline, so it might be saying I could be helped with that. Hope so!



11th March 2000

Never-Ending Loop

I was in 'Step-In' restaurant, a place in Goa run by Tibetans. There was a new, smaller Chinese food place actually opened within Step-In itself.
���� I stood up and realised I was naked, but it didn't bother me, though I was worried the Tibetan owner would be annoyed at me.
���� I looked at the sign for the Chinese place and was annoyed it was there and decided never to eat there.

���� Then I was at the computer centre. I asked if they could turn the music off as it had been the same song, over and over since morning.

Interpretation

I was in China a few years ago and never quite got over the experience, basically the rudeness and over-charging. I kind of left with a chip on my shoulder. I don't do it consciously, but I'm always tutting when I read of the various abuses of the Chinese government and I get annoyed, also here in Goa, my current locations, there are a lot of Tibetans, and they always remind my of the Chinese government as they don't fit in here and don't seem happy. So I spend some of my time just thinking bad thoughts, which is of course no good to anyone. The song is playing too many times. Change the tune. Yep, I get the message. Everyone is an individual; you can't judge people by race or gender. I shall remove the chip and move on!

The Outside Foreigner

I was in a Caucasian country with someone who knew me. I was walking along a high street when I accidentally knocked down a board that was advertising a Chinese restaurant. It fell awkwardly under a parked car and it was too hard to retrieve it. I was annoyed and left it.
���� We went to a shop and the owner told me I had knocked down the sign. I said in an irritated voice that it was too difficult to replace it. My companion called and I looked to see that they had found a tube of toothpaste that had my name on, the owner and my friend laughed.
���� I left the shop and went back to the sign. The car had driven away so I was able to replace it. As I did the Chinese owner came out. He asked me to eat in the restaurant and recited a list of the dishes. I was non-committal, but inside I was thinking that I wouldn't go because I didn't like Chinese food.

I was looking at a shop my Aunt leases to Asians but couldn't see in. I walked onto the post office. There was an old Indian woman there and I was shocked as that place had always been run by someone white.
���� Then I was in a house that I used to live at in England. Even though it was in the same location with the same view of the English street, somehow that was India now (hey, this is a dream). I was on the Internet. I looked at a page all about Canada, then realised that the Indian woman from the post office had written it. I was confused as I couldn't see why she would write about Canada.
���� An Indian woman made a pass at me and the whole scene became incredibly vivid. The Indian neighbours looked at us unapprovingly. I went to the front door and saw sacred cows all over our neighbours' front garden. I fumbled for a camera but I was too late and they went away. The woman asked me why I wanted to take a picture and I told her you wouldn't see sacred cows roaming round like that in England. She laughed and jokingly hit me, saying there are always so many cows because they're sacred.

Interpretation

This is very obviously about racial identity. When I grew up as a Eurasian (half-Indian) in England I kind of identified with any Asian, even Arabs or Chinese. If anything more so South East Asians as there were more where I lived.

���� When I left the country I stopped feeling I was all Asians when I was in China and realised I was very unchinese. So since I've lived in India I'm more at home and feel 100% Indian. But I'm still not really accepted by Indian people.

���� Knocking over the Chinese sign shows my rude awakening - I am not all Asians. Getting angry in the shop shows that the fact bothers me. The toothpaste is about my name. I was given an Asian name at birth but changed it at 16 to a western name as I felt I'd be less affected by racism (passing). I gave myself the most mundane name I could think of.

���� But now I live in India and the name on my passport is just foreign to the person I now am. The Chinese man tries to get me to go and eat, but by now I know I'll only ever be Indian.

���� Not seeing the Indians shows I was brought up by Caucasians, with no link to Asian culture. The Asian in the post office is a reference to the racism around me as a child, various comments even from my family. I was expected to consider myself white.

���� The house is English in India meaning I'm not completely free of 'Europeaness'. The shocked Indian neighbours shows some of my attitudes are western, and not understanding the sacred cows shows trouble, 'seamlessly blending' into India.

Silent Therapy

I was walking down some stairs and below a man had to step out the way to let me pass. As he did he made some sarcastic comment. I was so angry I walked back up to get to the shop another way.
���� I got to the beer/wine shop. The whiskey I wanted wasn't there so the owner went to get it. While he was gone I looked at the stationary he was selling and found a folder that would be perfect to send home a book proposal.
���� The owner returned with the whiskey but tried to over-charge. I went mad, screaming abuse and stomped off.
���� I went to another beer/wine shop and purchased my bottle. When I paid I kept getting the money wrong. I laughed with the owner and said it was because I had just had an argument and couldn't think straight. By then I could see the funny side.
���� I walked to where the computers were and sat down to use them. A man next to me kept trying to make conversation but I found him annoying.
���� Then I went to rest in the sitting area. By chance there were three people that I kind of knew around me. They were talking and revealing that they all concealed the fact that they had joint disease. They would each discuss experiences and feelings like mine; it was almost like therapy. I felt understood, especially when one comment was something like 'some people can sit and talk like this, and some are destined by nature to be quiet but will still be healed in their own way.
���� But then I saw a scheming individual I don't like. I realised it had all been set up for my benefit. She whispered to me that her friend could do private healing if I wanted. I was incensed, swore at her and stomped home.
���� I got home and was annoyed to find non-English speaking family had moved into my room; I considered complaining.
���� I went to sleep. Upon awakening there was a Jamaican woman cleaning the window of the private balcony. I was mad as I was sleeping naked. I sat up and realised the entire family were on the balcony staring at my nakedness.
���� I went to the shower but someone was in there. One of the family members came to me and said they wanted to invite me to a restaurant. I wasn't sure but they seemed nice enough, so I said yes.

Interpretation

The first part shows I sometimes keep people away with my irritability. I get very annoyed by other peoples' dishonesty. Being annoyed when someone makes conversation is my usual reaction when people try to make conversation with me. The therapy part means... I'm not sure. Maybe I avoid people, but not speaking doesn't bother me so much.

���� I think the last part is just telling me to be more open to people.

���� UPDATE: SEPTEMBER 2000. Actually, this is the second time I've drempt of turning the web-site into a book proposal. There's a later dream which suggests that if it were published I wouldn't be able to be so private. It could also be advising me to write it from the point of view of my own struggle.

Many Journeys

I was crossing the border to Bangladesh, where (as I write this) I'm thinking of going. I went to a little stall and wanted to buy food but couldn't as everyone was trying to over-charge me. Out of spite, I told them that I only ever eat plain rice anyway. I saw some cigarettes and was glad I don't smoke any more.
���� I left but outside I realised I didn't have my bag with me. I went back and someone had put it up on the letterbox. I looked inside and my camera was missing with all my New Year pictures. I was upset that I had never got round to 'vandalising' it.

���� I was in an open-air shop with tables selling things set in a spiral shape, so that you would visit each one sequentially and ends up in the middle which is where the tills were. I thought that life is like that, you have to go through various experiences and after that you end up cashing in those experiences. The name of the shop was: "Journeys".

Interpretation

This dream tells me not to run away from hard experiences. I don't buy anything in the shop and say I only eat plain rice, that's like the way I've given up tea, coffee, smoking etc. as it's easier to not need these things because of all the times I've been ripped off trying to buy them. Vandalising my camera means exactly that, since I was badly robbed so many times I am in the habit of vandalising everything I own, I get a knife, correction fluid, and in a few moments can render something usable to me but worthless to a thief. Since I was robbed of almost everything in November, all I own is a twenty-dollar camera. And I haven't got round to vandalising it yet.

Universal Friend

I was in Panaji (the state capital of Goa) and won a bag of coins. Someone told me it was worth 100,000 dollars. I was blase as I knew it was Indian soft currency and was really worth a lot less.

Then I was in Delhi with an Australian man I once knew in the Philippines briefly, years ago. But in the dream we had stayed friends and met up a few times all around South East Asia. Now we were in a restaurant in Delhi. We talked then sat in silence and I felt incredibly close to him. I thought that if I had his e-mail address we could be friends forever and meet all over the world.
I walked on alone to the computer centre and realised I was naked. An old Chinese woman had a bow and arrow; a foreigner tried to buy it.
I went to a bank with my 100,000 dollars, they told me it was worth 30,000. I accepted that but saw them later outside and argued with them.

Interpretation

This ones a tad more difficult to understand. I think the first part reflects on my tendencies to be a recluse. As I travel all over, am likely always too - and the kind of person whom good-byes tear-up inside, I'm just in the habit of avoiding all kinds of friendship. I've barely spoken to anyone outside my family for six years. There's no one I've known longer than three days. Actually only one person comes to mind, an Israeli I knew for a couple of days about four years ago.

���� I think the first part says there's the chance of making an occasional long-term friend. We would travel apart but there's e-mail and anyone can always see what I'm up to via the web-page, then we could meet up again. The dream is telling me to avoid paranoically avoiding everyone.

���� The money part I'm not sure. Nakedness often represents honesty in dreams, an arrow represents love. I think that part means be honest and accept that I don't wish to fall in love with someone the way I did when I was younger. But I'm really not sure about the money. It may just relate to how difficult it is to be a freelancer in India?

The Unneeded Fish

I was in an unspecified place with my mother and we had to cross a bridge. We tried but it was too high as the steps leading to it didn't reach. Then M. found a way to bend tree branches that could get her across. I was about to go but saw a fish in the river. I jumped in and swam round trying to catch it for some reason I seemed to believe I needed it before I could cross the bridge.

Interpretation

Again, fish here symbolise a relationship. Mother and I both had relationships break up (she's divorced). She got over it but the dream suggests that I (unconsciously) think I need a new relationship to be free.

NOTE: I then fell asleep fort a few hours and had the following dream.

I was with J. She came to me and we decided to start a relationship. I told her about the time (in real life) that she was in some kind of trouble and I came out my body astrally and saw her, and the event was later verified by her letter (that's a true thing that actually happened). I told her I was so upset that she had never mentioned it again when it was so serious to me. She talked about the life she had lived with Kim (her true love at the time I knew her). ���� Then we were on a boat and I told her there wasn't a day I hadn't thought about her and how much I love her (True).

Interpretation.

Probably this dream just clarifies the meaning of the earlier dream.

No Insurance

I was in a car driving with mother. I asked if I was insured to drive it and she told me not to worry as I was unlikely to crash in the next five minutes.

Interpretation

Meaning, I can't aford to support myself yet, not helped by going crippled, and there's no reason to assume there's any long term provision for me.

Baby Jacket

I was on the shore of a river and had to get on a boat. I did but was really scared. I went down to the hold and my Aunt (who brought me up) was there. I was still scared and she said I could have a life-jacket. The first one she offered me was made out of Barbie dolls but I didn't like it, so she replaced it with one made out of plastic babies. I put it on. We were suppposed to cross over to another boat which was safer as the one we were on was leaking. I was too frightened. I told her and she said it was OK then we would just stay where we were.

Interpretation

I think this means that my Aunt brought me up but in a protected way, always allowed to run away from things. For example, I remember once, it was the school holidays and she took me to a holiday camp. We arrived and I didn't know any of the kids there, so she said I could come home. I know that's a trite example, but I was always allowed to walk away from anything I didn't like. I don't feel bad or anything, it's just a karmic lesson I chose to learn in this lifetime.

���� I think the life jacket represents ways we make ourselves safe. Rufusing the Barbies but taking the babies represents my celibacy, avoidal of connecting with anyone. It's not an act of spirituality but an act of fear/self-protection. I protect myself from the potential pain of life my not living it, of love by not feeling it. Yes, I'm both poetic and pathetic.

Lazy

I was at Amazone computer centre where I'm currently working (in Calcutta). In the bathroom I had an accident and the toilet caught fire. I felt really awful as the whole thing had melted. Apparently I had a job there. The owners didn't seem very pleased with me, so I lie down and felt guilty.

Interpretation

This refers to laziness. I am currently working in Amazone and was finishing work, but currently I started sleeping at abnormal times, staying awake most of the night, so I'm working less rather than finishing there. The toilet refers to waste, feeling guilty and letting everyone down is self-explanatory. Lying down is a direct reference to sleeping when I shouldn't. Also it's Thursday tomorrow as I write this and that's a half-day, so I'm unlikely to work tomorrow also.

Difference

I was in a restaurant and the food was awful. I started shouting at the waiter and we ended up at a police station., When we got there it turned into an olg rogue "friend", Darren. I waited to see someone and spotted him planting drugs on me. I picked them out my bag and threw them away and some people saw me. I left in a van and waited somewhere quiet. I sat and wondered if maybe I just shouldn't forget about my bag and the police and leave because my bag was still there and he could be planting more stuff in there.

���� Then I was in a kind of communal living room, like you get in hostels. Junko was with me and the rest were Japanese people, mostly youngish but not-westernised or speaking English. In the dream J and I were only friends. Everybody was looking round sizing each other up. I think it was everybodys first night there. J was leaning against me, but someone suggested that everyone was looking round trying to guess who had coupled/slept with who the previous night. When she heard that she sat up to be a little further from me.

Then I was in the same room looking round for Junko (she was gone). Another Japanese woman saw me and when she realied whom I was looking for, she smiled.

Interpretation

The first part possibly refers to being frindless in England. The second scene, I think, would mean that J was a very westernised person. As I drempt this I was in Calcutta and I often see Japanese people around and get whistful/sad, but they are very different to her, in attitude, looks, everything. I think it means ... stop being an idiot.

27 July 2000

Derailed

I was watching some trains. One of them went over a bridge and de-railed.

���� I was coming down some stairs and I saw my moneybelt on the floor. I carried on going down and saw Anne. I was angry she could have dropped it. She said she was old and these things couldn't be helped. I was angry as she could have told me before she took the belt from me.

Interpretation

This first part says I have spent too long here in Calcutta where I currently am, and should get on, move, and start another writing project.

���� The second part is about financial dependency. I am currently dependent, I'm spoiled and have never wanted for anything. This was fine when I was younger, but it's not so much fun now as I have trouble making any kind of living. Maybe part one and two are related, meaning I should move on and work hard as I don't have forever to make it.

Black Nazis

I was in gold regency in Delhi. The woman over-charged me and I was annoyed but didn't say anything. I heard a load of noise coming from outside. When I looked there was a Nazi demonstration by Caucasians in swastikas giving nazi salutes. Some Indians were joining in and I was shocked, A man told me they had joined the caucasian nazi party.
�������� I ran upstairs to get away from them. There was an English policeman there, he made me jump but I was glad that he wasn't one of the demonstrators.

Interpretation

This is about racial identity (again, oh god, it's really an issue with me isn't it). I am overcharged by the Indian, so I come to India and am treated badly, like a walking moneybelt, by the locals sometimes, and I'm subject to racism in England. I run inside (of myself) and in a way, life is not so black and white and there's certain aspects of Europeaness that have done well for me.

Lost Privacy

NOTE: This dream accoured in Ghorakpur, North India, just after I had left the Buddhist site in Kushingar where I had prayed for help to write a book proposal.

The book proposal I am writing had been published, but it had been put under the pen name of Marion. I was worried as I hadn't chosen the name marion and also I hadn't been paid yet. I worried if someone called Marion had pirated the work.
�������� I went to a book shop and looked for my work but couldn't find it.
�������� I went back to my flat (which I don't own in reality). There were two spys going through my stuff, one Indian, one Russian. The Russian one had reread a web essay I've actually written in real life Confessions which is basically a site I wrote to a friend after becoming severly depressed after giving up smoking in March 2000. It's a really intimate, truthful and gloomy ranting of self-doubt. In the dream the Russian spy thought he had found something really meaty, an big secret, but it's already published on the web, so I wasn't too upset.
�������� I went to the bus station for a trip. When I got there the Russian was there and going to the same place. I went to the ticket window to check the time of the bus, the woman acted as though she was annoyed, like it was obvious that the bus would be on time and there was no need to check the time.
�������� I arrived there and it was some kind of shopping centre. The Russian was there spying on me, using a cover that he was an assistant in one of the shops.
�������� I settled into a hotel room, then went out. The Indian was there in a rickshaw ready to follow me. I found the whole thing rather humourous, and thought about jumping in with him and asking for a lift as a joke.
����

Interpretation

The first part is either a warning of something literal that might happen, or saying that I don't like my present name (a western name I changed to in 1986 from my Asian name). Looking for the book shows my name doesn't match my identity and I want a new one (a pen name I mean).

���� The part about the bus obviouslky being on time might be saying the time has come for the work to be published (though that could be wishful thinking).

Choices

I was sitting in a road saying goodbye to a friend. I saw a taxi driver who was going to the Nepalese border, which in the dream was also the border with Pakistan. I said I was interested in going and he introduced me to the foreigner who was his fare. He said I could come and we'd split the fare. We left but had to stop over in a house owned by a Chinese family.
�������� Then it was time to go. His father arrived. Now it wasn't Nepal and Pakistan in the same place, it was only Pakistan. I explained to them that I needed a new passport and visa and so would have to stay there a long time, and so didn't want to go to Pakistan any more. His father said I'd miss out then as when they travel together they usually have a great and unique time, but OK, it was my choice.

Interpretation

Very hard to say. My current Indian visa expires on November 30th. I have to renew it in Nepal or Pakistan. neither places give them out again if you've already had one, so I'll have to remnew my passport, but even then it's not guarenteed. Rather than suggest a choice, I think the dream just outlines my dilema.

Next Lesson

I was on a computer in a cybercafe. The person in charge upgraded me to a superior room. My sister was there with a friend. They wanted to go to the toilet but it was occupied. My sister couldn't wait and decided to go outside.

Interpretation

Being upgraded possibly means moving onto another stage in life via working on the book proposal. My sister going outside means the next lesson in my life is to open up to people. I think this dream is related to the privacy dream earlier. They're both saying that if the proposal is accepted and does well, then i'd have to mingle in society more and have people know all about me.

Nuetred Desire

I was walking along my old town in England (Northampton, actually it was just past the war memorial on the Wellingborough Road), but somehow it was India at the same time. There were people everywhere and I tried to imagine if I was alone and the streets were empty. Then I realised that it was the people around me that made me like the place. I heard someone say hello as I passed and realised it was my brother, he was shocked that I didn't recoginse him. I aknowledged him and kept walking.
�������� Then I was at my Aunts house. I had a photo of my Uncle (who died years ago of cancer of the spine). In it, all his eye was iritated and swolen. My Aunt said that he was ill at the time and they had taken the photo because if you don't have proof you were in pain then the insurance doesn't pay up.
�������� Someone came to the front door. I realised it was Darren. That's someone I used to know ten years ago. He would always ask to borrow money, and also stole things from me - he was in prison for various things. I shouted at my brother not to let him in but it was too late. He came to me with a leaflet saying he was collecting donations for charity and would I give some. I marched him down the front gate, threw him out, bolted it and told him never to return.

I was in Goa, South India. There was a bitch on heat and three or four dogs fighting viciously over her. I realised she was my dog. I took her to the vet and we decided for her to be nuetered to avoid the violence.

Interpretation

England is also India, so the dream obviously sets a contrast between the life I had there and the life I have here, or perhaps the person I am. I settled in India because of the people, which I never really considered before but I suppose is true.

���� I saw my brother, but didn't recognise him, nor stop to speak. That means living in Asia has totally changed me and I'm fairly Asian, whereas my brother is very English in many ways (we're both first generation).

���� There are three more parts to the dream. One is throwing out a no good friend, the other is stopping violence by having a dog nuetered. The first part shows my bruised uncle claiming insurance. This says, very clearly I think, that things hurt me in the past, like an false friend, relationships, and my insurance policy of not being hurt again is not to put up in life with things/situations/people that don't make me happy. In England I just endured people stealing from me or the like, now I would immeadiately leave them. I've learnt to be tough like that because I've been through the pain. Like my uncle, he had the pain and received the insurance. The dream essentially says that India had made me stronger like this. It again refers to my being single, not really negatively or positively, but just pointing out that it was to avoid pain.