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2007

Chinese New Year 2007

17/18 Febuary 2007

18th Febuary 2007

Happy Chinese New Year.

Dialogue... and update coming soon!

Monday 19th Febuary 2007

Dream: Junko's Gifted Strawberries

Junko sent me a gift through the post, which arrived at my Aunt's house. I was so happy that I junped up and down for joy. I knew that I could finally tell people how much I love her rather than not mention it.

I ran out into the garden and opened the beautiful box, and realised, with some surprise, that the gift was actually fresh strawberries.

I imagined her picking them out and deciding to risk sending them, even though they're fresh, and was kind of disappointed that it was something that I couldn't keep forever. Then I just decided to eat them and enjoy the moment -- because most of all I was overjoyed that she had contacted me at last.

Interpretation

Not being able to talk about these strong feelings is harder now that I don't hear from her.

I think possibly it relates to something I'm planning. When we were in Perth, I took some negatives and transparencies of our times together. I risked having the negatives printed so that I could send her a set, though I was worried of damage as they're so precious. It turned out OK though.

Because I'm trying to leave the UK now I'll have to put them in storage, and I never did dare get around to having the transparencies scanned. Perhaps because, well no, really because they mean so much to me, they also contain the best picture I ever took. Of her in Victoria Youth Hostel, cutting a piece of cheese for our breakfast, with really fantastic light falling accross her.

I'm thinking of finally scanning them tomorrow; once they're digitised, they're much safer I guess. I think the strawberries show that sometimes in life, you have to enjoy things with an open hand, because there's nothing that lasts forever; you can't eat your strawberries as well as have them, and perhaps I should just have them scanned without feeling sad and missing her but just being glad of the experience of having met her?

Wednesday 21st Febuary 2007

Prime Time, Covent Garden, London

I couldn't get them copied in the end. I woke up yesterday and walked to Bells Laundry and did a wash, then walked back and went through the box that stores all the Perth stuff. As usual I went on a downer when I thought of all the stuff that A threw away. There a feeling of being almost physically sick when I realise that there's almost, well pretty much, only two strips of pictures from that time. It felt like I was dreaming for the rest of the day... actually I still feel like that.

Anyway, I found them and then went to Snappy Snaps. I looked to the back of the shop, saw a bunch of English people hanging round the scanner chatting and just couldn't entrust something so precious to them, so I left.

I ended up in Llyods. It was weird. I've been going through a phase of attracting lunatics. The day before that I'd been in Yates and a group of... filthy loud louts came and sat behind me, almost touching me, and shouted and laughed for two hours. Next day I was in Llyods and there was this guy from London who started shouting at the top of his voice about football, and ended up sounding like a porn chatline. It ended up as a fight with the people at the next table and he shouted that he'd killed people before and got away with it, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, the yesterday, this huge Polish bloke came up and accused me of following him.

Yep, it's been weird.

But first, a retrospective catch up.

I bought some magic, I mean, I was buying some supplies for an idea for a piece of magic I had been wanting to do, and a guy turned round and asked if I knew how how much mass was in our universe. I'm not sure why I'm writing that up... but it's what happened.

I was watching tv last night, about a healer from Camden, who looked and sounded like a charleton, and he was interviewed in a cafe where I used to eat when I was up there.

I was in Sainsburys shopping and an Asian man, a bit younger than me, came up and said he's noticed me around town and that I'm 'looking much better'.

Did I say about the Kookabura in the other diary? I think I did. I managed to buy a 1994 Australian silver coin, and before I'd opened it I accidentally dropped a bottle of lavender scent on it, which was one I picked out for Junko in the body shop once, and I thought it was a bit ironic (... but worth mentioning?).

Another thing I saw on tv, it was an old public service announcement about calling the police if you see anything suspicious. I remember watching it about 20 years ago. There was a collective groan from the audience when the voiceover said, 'Don't leave it to someone else, the police don't mind how many calls they receive'. Ugh, they would never say something like that now.

In the past, when I've had to fill in a webform, I put A's name and address as my own, so sometimes she says there was someone calling for me. One morning I was gettng ready and it happened and I was actually in for the first time to receive it. The minute she called up from the bottom of the stairs, I called back, 'Is it a foreigner'. It was the very first thing I asked spontaneously, thinking it might be Junko. I know that's insane. But... I don't know anyone else. It turned out to be someone calling about selling me a mortgage or something.

I sent Junko, speaking of her, her birthday card. Then a few days later, I found this little card about 'following your star', and it was just like a little ... speech thing I used to say to her on the rooftop of Victoria Youth Hostel in Perth. I bought it and sent it, though she'll likely never get to see it. Anyway, when one of us was discouraged, I used to do the 'follow your star' speech, just making it up to inspire her as I went. I forgot about it, but she wrote in 97 and said about looking at the stars on my birthday. A lost that card, but I recalled and thus named the website after it.

Anyway, with that card, I enclosed a note saying I was booked to go to London for Chinese New Year, and it was the year of the Pig, and J and I are both pigs (sign) and we met (I think) in a year of the pig (though I might be wrong).

Febuary 17th I was planning to go the next day. Next morning I was still awake at four am. so decided not to. Though the next day I did get some food from the famous New Tung Shin. I'd spent the day writing the new diary page with a Chinese New Year theme. Previously I'd come accross a page about the lucky Asian symbol of 'beckoning cat' and the author was saying how many business and shops have one in thier window, so I decided save one to put on my web page later, and in New Tung Shin, the usual person was off and the family were running it. I'd just put the cat on my webpage, and there was exactly the same one behind the counter, together with two new year cards, one with a picture of a pig on, though it was weird as it was realistic rather than cartooned.

On the way home, I recalled it was fifteen years exactly since I went to my first Chinese New Year celebration, at Lings sports centre organised by the Vietnamese Refugee Assosiation. I came home in tears as the fat council guard had thrown me out thinking I hadn't paid to get in.

It was only a week or so later I was sitting in Burgerking working out the plan to get out to Asia.

And full circle, here I am again. I've been doing nothing rather than preparing to leave. I had planned to tell A. on the 14th, but I sat down and she immeadiatley started on about how ill I looked and was I OK, so I went upstairs. Previously I'd tried to say, but the tv's always blaring, it's so loud we never get to speak. I think the last time it went down was the night she told me M. was dead, but it was down less than two minutes.

This one night, I think it was the 15th, we ended up at the table because of M's ashes. I'd received a letter from the solicitor saying that Geoff wasn't prepared to split them, and wanted to discuss it with the whole family, including Yasmine, whom as far as I know hasn't spoken to her for over a decade.

Then another letter came that he wanted to consult Brian (M's life partner).

A phoned B and rather than agree with Geoff, he asked for some himself.

So finally he agreed, but I don't know when I'll get them.

I'll have to be quick here as my time's running out. Anyway, I asked about how much money was left. She said that she had been planning to bring it up after the weekend, but it's 2000, and she offered to lend me some. So I just said that it's better that I go to Hong Kong and move onto China. She kind of accepted that, but it wasn't mentioned since. I've a vague idea, I think, to make a decision and buy it tomorrow...

What, with the anniversaries and all.

Thursday 22nd Febuary 2007

An arab cybercafe in Bayswater.

Fourteen years ago today was the day I originally left England... and tomorrow is Junko's birthday.

It hasn't been nice today. It's like this whenever I try and get anything done. I remember the day last year, no, I remember Junko's birthday. I bought her a krugerrand. I had really planned to buy the ticket...

I went to Belsize at night. I signed on at nine, though it seems like a million years ago now. I looked for a white shirt in Primark, but they didn't have my size. Then I got the tube to Cannon Street to get travellers cheques, but Amex has closed, so I tried at Nationwide and they are using an unknown brand of them.

So I went on the Marlebone library for the books I needed and they were all gone. Then I went to Covent Garden for a think before getting the ticket, but there was a band playing. I did buy a lucky piece of natural jade in mysteries, and then went to Prime Time, but it was full. So I came back here for a think, had a headache. I've barely had fluid all day.

Anyway, I didn't get it. I'm too harried now

The Trip

Yes, I'm having second thoughts. Not really second thoughts, more cold feet. It's such a big deal. I keep telling myself it isn't; I can easily afford to come back. But really, it is a big deal. But I know deep down there's nothing to stay for. I have no home here, I don't know anyone, I have no work history. But I do have a plan once I get there. It might all be a long-shot, but it's in a place where the money will generally last longer and that gives me more time to enact that plan, and there is more opportunity generally along the way. I tried to write a dialectic with myself about my doubts, to get it straight in my mind.

Chinese New Year Dialogue

A dialogue between the wise part of myself and the mundane part of myself, concerning getting cold feet about buying the plane ticket for the first leg of my planned trip

wm= wise me
mm= mundane me

wm -- - Whats wrong (this time)?
mm -- - Im full of doubts, second thoughts about the trip. What if I hate it? I dont know anyone there, and previously when travelling, Ive gone a whole year without conversations. What if Im ill of my bladder cant take the long trips, or even being in developing cities without any toilet facilities, so Im basically trapped in a hotel. What will I do all night, and who will I talk to?

wm -- - Hello? Hello? Youve been functionally homeless for well over a year in London. Who do you speak to? When was your last real conversation, and I mean -real - one, not some imagined one in your head? When was your last two way conversation that made you feel understood and happy?
mm -- - When I was at the Zen temple at the meditation weekend eight months ago.

wm -- - Right, and theres a lot more chance that youll get out and join something abroad isnt there?
mm -- - What if my last relative dies while Im away?

wm -- - But shed die if you were here, perhaps in front of you, which is even worse.
mm -- - What if I really like it and dont want to go back?

wm -- - Stay an extra year and study more. By passing exams, theres more chance that you could stay away legitimately, which has always been your long-term goal anyway.
mm -- - What about the loneliness. Like previous trips where I havent spoken to anyone for more than a year ? What if its more expensive than I thought and Im just spending away my inheritance and end up with nothing and starving? I only have one relative left. What if she dies? How will I cope alone? Where am I going to live in the long-term? How will I belong anywhere?

wm -- - OK. So if you stay here... what will you do?
mm -- - ... study, write...

wm -- - pretty much what youll do there?
mm -- - But what about the cost, the flight, insurance

wm -- - You know full well that even with the flight, visa and insurance cost, youll spend less there than if you were here. Plus, when you receive the inheritance cheque, all unemployment payments stop... So where would you rather spend your own money? Here or somewhere nice? Even if you go there and travel from place to place completely alone in the world doing your work, you'd still be doing the same here.
mm -- - What if my and my bladder cant take the travel - or if I get sick?

wm -- - if the worse comes to the worse, you can fly. Abroad, youll have health insurance. here, youve been homeless for more than a year and couldnt even get to see a dentist Plus, you can see alternative practitioners abroad, which you couldnt even afford here. You can use trains almost all of the way - where theres a long let, limit the distances you travel per day, then take minimal fluid. What opportunity do you ever have in this country. You remember the dream I sent you dont you? Remember, whatever happens, youll be spending your own money somewhere. Try and be somewhere challenging, with as much opportunity as possible, with as many goals as possible, casting as much bread on the water as you can. That isnt here, but there, in Asia.

Just to make things a bit clearer

Planned trip now, and vague intentions from now until 2009

Go to Hong Kong, train to Yangshou. Study, try and volunteer at an NGO, see alternative practitioners for my health and write.

Around May/June, still studying, writing, looking for volunteering opportunities etc. travel to Hanoi, down to a beach, onto Saigon, then over to Phom Pen and Bangkok. Try and ordane in a monastery for a time. If I haven't by then, look for one and try.

From Thailand, submit work to the publishers and start phoning and sending emails to the UK Colleges to try and get on exams.

Around January 08, go to Laos, then China and back to Hong Kong. Submit CV to UK Companies for a job. Return around March, and sit the exams in May/June.

Around May, go to Switzerland and sign papers at Dignatis, to authorize my euthanasia (should I ever need it (after seeing my Mother die in the UK state health service)).

Leave UK around August 2008 for Moscow, TransSiberian to the end of the line. Boat to Korea and Japan, to cure my life-long obsession with being in these countries. Then, depending on what's happened, either go somewhere cheap and study for more exams, accept a paying job, try and work for board and food in Asia at an NGO, aim for undergraduate study, ordane permanently in a monastery or just go with some other opportunity that has come up by then.

OK, it's all very tentative, is easily changed, is fate willing of course. It could even be that I don't make the first hurdle. This is just what I'm planning at the moment.

So, in the shorter term, my objectives for this trip this year, if I can get away are:

Have a long Asian trip. Visit three/four countries I haven't been to before.
Study for and obtain at least two A/AS Levels, four is better.
Volunteer for an NGO and get some work experience.
Try alternative medicine for my health issues.
Try and practice healing on other people in some way, and see if that's a direction I'd like to go in.
Set up the website to offer my publishing expertise in some way.
Ordane in a monastery for a period.
Write, submit and publish the following finished pieces of work to publishers:
A non-fiction spirituality book
An acedemic book about study
A travel book
Try and submit more articles/make more publishing contacts.

Oh, I forgot. I had a dream today.

Dream

I was staying in some place that was run by a religious cult. My alarm clock on the phone had been taken over by a spirit that was making sure it didn't go off on time. Now, I remember it as an evil spirit, though in my notebook I've only written down 'spirit'.

After I wrote that part, I remembered the part that came before it, which was that some people were lost and came to ask me directions to the youth hostel.

Interpretation

Well, the day I had this dream was the day I was planning to buy the first ticket of my epic journey to Asia, so it could be saying that there's a part of my mind which doesn't want to take risks and so is trying to sabotage it.

The Youth Hostel part lets me know that the dream is about travel.

Another thought is that I assosiate cults with being trapped, which is how I feel now.

As it turns out, I didn't get the ticket, even though the clock wasn't sabotaged. I left the hostel at eight and there just were'nt enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Though I'm intending to make a decision and buy the ticket before I leave London in two days.

Overall, it seems positive, that the dream is for my planned trip.

Friday 23rd Febuary 2007

Arab Cybercafe, Bayswater

Happy Birthday Junko Imanishi, 36 today!

I only have a moment, I've got to get on and do some things in London. I'll try and update later.

Wednesday 21st March 2007

Cybercafe, Finchley Road, London.

Harried, harried, harried.

Not really time to write, I'm running off to the airport. I'll update, dharma willing, when I get to... HONG KONG.

I'll have to update retrospectively. So much to write. I hope it all goes OK. Bit scared. Wish me luck.

Dragon Hostel, Argyle Street, Monk Kok, Hong Kong. 8.15pm.

Arrived. In one Piece.

Date: ?Around 28th March 2007, it's a Thursday anyhow

Blenz Coffee, Shaiman Island, Guangzhou, China -- about two in the afternoon.

Well, I'm here.

It's very complicated and I'm not sure how to relate it all. Overall, all said and done, I LOVE IT.

Currently I'm in this Canadian coffee chain, on the Island. It's in an old wooden teak kind of building, quite nice, and I'm kind of trapped, with nothing else to do, but to say hello to dear, dear diary. How I came to be here, is... as I said, complicated. When did I last write, what was I doing. I think perhaps I had time in the Covent Garden cybercafe. I'll pick up from there to explain to how I came to be sitting here with not much else to do.

It was nice being back in Palmers. I was in the new 17 bed dorm, but it's actually really tasteful. John Freeman the manager was there. I tried to buy washing powder but he wouldn't take any money, plus I'm on first name basis with all the staff. I started getting worried in case I ended up missing all that.

Tuesday was the last day. I went and signed off unemployment, which was just a matter of signing my UB40. Then I went on to Kennsington Gardens.

It was cold and windy, but I went and sat on the bench nearest the flowerbed by the children's playground. I was there to scatter Mother's ashes of course. I had a quiet reflection, and then walked around so there would be a view of both the palace and the round pond.

It was nighttime by the time I ... got to Covent Garden, and so probably wrote about this already.

Anyway, onto leaving. I woke pretty early and put my bags in a locker downstairs, then went and actually ate the breakfast I'd looked at so often in Whetherspoon, and it was quite as good as I imagined. Arriving in London, when I took my library books back to Victoria, they'd told me that there was one missing, and I realised that I'd taken it back to Northampton library by mistake. I tried to phone them but couldn't get through.

I phoned the bus company to make my ticket later, but the woman thought I should check in an hour early just in case. I was irritated at the time, but as it turned out, that was really good advice. By the time I went back to get my bag I was harried. I ran to the underground and got to Victoria and was basically straight onto the coach.

We got to Gatwick an hour and a half later. I got through to the library. There's a woman who works there who wears hearing aids and has a very distinctive voice. I spoke to her. I'd seen her in Yates once also. Anyway, she said that she'd go and look for it.

When I got off the coach, I sat and had a drink, then realised that I was at the exact place where I'd come for the interview when I was trying to get on the travel course.

I went in, an hour early, and they were already checking people in, so I had to kneel down by a bin and repack all my stuff, then checked in. The woman asked if I was a Hong Kong resident and I showed my onward ticket, but I got the feeling that she would have let me on anyway, and so I was all done. I bought a sandwich and sat outside, then went in to look for a coffee. And then...

Can you believe it, I GOT STOPPED BY THE POLICE, third time. Is there no end to this? He looked at the ID, did a radio check. I tried to keep it friendly as there was no way I was going to miss this flight. This guy had a machine gun hanging off his clothes. At least I can damn well get out now.

I went upstairs and had a chocolate egg and a coffee, yep, enjoying food already. Then I went down to check in. The queue went right round the airport but the adrenalin kept me going. It was about forty five minutes until we got to the screening machines.

There was a heated atmosphere inside. One guy asked a member of staff if it was a staffing problem that was causing this. But the guy he asked was just itching for a fight and started shouting at him.

I had to put my shoes through, braces, everything, but then we were done. I realised how late it was and started chasing after a Cantonese family and phoned A. I was still speaking to her as I was checking in. The library had found the book and will send it onto Victoria.

On the plane, some guy was in my seat. I moved him to the window. Then this black guy turned up and he had the window seat, so he had to move again. A Dutch woman joined us. She was a student of economics, and he was a doctor. They really got on and had a good talk about London.

The Asian boy behind me was autistic and had occasional tantrums when he kicked the seat and screamed all night.

The flight was fine. I watched Monsters Inc. I took no valium at all. I slept for about ten minutes. Overall, I actually enjoyed it!

We touched down and I was impressed with the whole experience.

Apart from the queues, immigration was easy and I got a six month visa. I walked through, changed just five pounds for the bus, and went outside and had a sit down, in Hong Kong!

It was strange, and I was sentimental about being there so long ago. I got the bus and got off at Mong Kok and was lost. I had a photocopied map but eventually found the street, but couldn't find the hostel. I was hot and tired and ended up phoning them. I actually got in about six pm. The guy was a bit short with me, and had a beckoning cat on his TV. He took me up the the thirteenth floor and checked me in there in a different guest house.

I went out and walked down to the ferry pier. I had rice in the same place from the same man as all that time ago. It was opposite the pub Ned Kellys last stand, the name sake of which I saw with G. in Australia. I also noticed that it's directly opposite a place called Osaka restaurant. Of course, during that stupid trip with G. I could have been with her, but when in Hong Kong originally that had no significance for me, as I hadn't met her yet.

I sat by the kcr clock, and remembered celebrating the start of 1994 there, that auspicious year (if you choose to look at it that way), then went to bed at 'home'.

Next day, the owner came and seemed really suspicious of me. I went out and ended up with bread and cheese in Kowloon park. It was overcast and depressing and I felt really alone and went on a downer. It lasted for a couple of days. I basically wandered about feeling bad, but by the third day I started LOVING it. It was a great routine of eating by kcr, sleeping in the afternoon as I've been so tired since I arrived, then going back to the kcr clock and looking at the Island by night.

I collected my ticket to China easy, and also got there. I got off at Guangzhou East and had a break. We were late and I sat outside, then went down and worked out the metro. I got lost again once there and a hotel porter gave me directions, and I ended up in a room with no window but a huge muriel of Guilin, my next destination. Great.

Next day I extended my stay, came to Shaiman Island. I've enjoyed it from the start, apart from a few hassles. Today, I'm here, in this cafe, with free Internet but no connection, so I'm typing this to USB for later upload, if I can find a computer that will take it.

There's more than this, of course, but this is a fair update for now. I'm happy and in one piece, and I can't ask for more than that! If I think of anything I've missed, I'll add it next update.

Thursday 5th April 2007

Blenz Coffee House, Shaiman Island, Guangzhou, China. 6:17pm.

Wow, a week since I｡｡wrote, already.

I meant to have left by now... but I kind of settled into a routine. Every day I get up, go to the supermarket, walk on to the very cool computer (but no printer). Work for three hours, typing up the sociology book, then onto Shaiman Island. I eat, usually tea eggs, cheese sandwiches, crisps, and a tin of coffee. Then I come to Blenz to make Religious Studies mind maps. Then I go home and make the same food but with noodles, and watch TV.

I managed to get a SIM. I went to China mobile, and they gave me one but the phone wouldn't take it. I ended up asking about it on the message boards, and it turns out I'd got the wrong unlocking instructions from Virgin. I unlocked it yesterday, then went and got the sim. About ten pounds... but I think two pounds of credit, and it's only to receive calls.

I got an IP card, which is to make foreign calls, but it's all in Chinese. I managed to work it out yesterday, and today phoned Barclaycard to try and get myself reinsured. That's a real mess, their insurance, and their website at the minute.

I've had some really good times. There was a hot, sunny period and I used to sit outside on the verandah and got stuck into the religious studies book. I got stuck into the study generally. Most of the Tv I get in the evening is from Hong Kong. They have an open university and exams based on the British. I realised I might be able to do the exams there.

It's been cold and rainy over the past few days. It put me on a bit of a downer to be honest. I knew, and I think I mentioned it, that there would be days like this. Well, periods like this. I started to really enjoy the study. It's just the sameness perhaps, or the cold? I've had one conversation since I came. In the bank, an Aussie complained about all the paperwork to change a little money, so I asked about his sim card. It only lasted a minute or so and wasn't really a conversation. OK, so I never really had conversations before leaving, and I never did in life. It's just, alone isn't it? I think that's the whole thing. We all go out in life hoping we'll be OK and make contact, and even if you do, the whole thing is very tenuous.

I woke up the other day, and remember waking up with the memory 'IN ABOUT FIVE WEEKS'. I'd only been asleep a few hours and I got paranoid, as usual, about what that could mean. I fell asleep a while later and, wonderfully, had a dream that let me know that it's wasn't about my health and that I should be OK for a while. THANK YOU FOR THAT! I'll write it up later.

The simplicity is nice. I'm still sober. I leave the room each morning, immaculate, showered, everything in bags. I only have the minimum of stuff that I need. I've been downloading podcasts for tonight, oh, but it's so slow.

There's a relief to admitting that there's something wrong with me, in a way. Perhaps I'm at that age? I think when you're younger you hold on and hope you're going to become something more, but you get to the point that you say, just, this is me, warts and all. I traipse about alone all day, and the funny thing is that I notice my daydreams are about telling imaginary people that I don't want to talk to them or know anyone, and it's also true. When I finally find company, I usually don't want to continue being with a person... except that once, Oh God, no, not today.

I have a rough idea to go on Sunday. I think this will be nice. It will mean I was here exactly one week. Mission accomplished definitely. I settled in here definitely. Last time I was here, thirteen years ago, it was awful. The whole place was a massive rubbish dump. I couldn't get a hotel and ended up sleeping out on the floor. Someone robbed me while I was there.

This time it was much better. The metro is open so I can get about now. A journey is about 20p, and it's so clean. The streets everywhere are clean also. All the overcharging that went on a decade ago is over now, at least here. Yes, I get glum, because that's just me, but it was a good intro definitely. I get home each evening, usually I've done a load of walking and study, and I just get my feet up with a cup of tea and the tv on. I think it's perhaps as much home as I'll ever have.

Oh, that's a thing I was going to mention. The part of the sociology course I'm doing now is depressing. It's about family, how it's role is socialization (yes, all spelt Z now) and the different types of family and household arrangements that people have in the present. Looking at things like that, I wonder. I mean, I can't imagine living with someone. The mental picture can't come into my head. How can you ever feel relaxed with someone else in the room. But, how can you ever stop talking to dreams with no one else in the room. Oh God, well, at least I don't walk round the streets muttering to myself just yet.

I tried to phone A. yesterday but there was no reply. It took me all this time to work out how the phonecard worked. I'll do it again later when I get back, well, when I leave here.

I keep on thinking of things I DON'T miss, which is pretty much everything. Being searched by the police all the time is one thing. Pushing a trolley round Sainsburys in Finchley looking for diet food, a days worth for less than three pounds. The filthy, dangerous underground. Oh thank Buddha that I got away. The thought of grimy London buses. I'd rather stay here forever than to go back for even five minutes. Yeah, I'm lucky, and the plan, now I'm away, seems reasonably sensible. Whether I end up doing the first batch of exams here in Hong Kong or go back. I don't know. Perhaps both? I'd like to do the research now, but a lot of sites are banned in China, so I can't really get anything like that done.

Oooohhhhh, I'll tell you the bestychops news! THREE SALES ON LULU SINCE I LEFT. Yep. Dunno why now, but it's a fiver in residual earnings. Two downloads of 'The Curse and Miracle', and a picture: 'Dull Flowers in Church', which are some I photographed in the church before I went to the Zen centre. It's not much of a picture to be honest... but someone paid hard cash for it. What a great boost!

I'm back to the old days now, of having to use download software, and even then, waiting ages for just a little download. I think I'll have a go and see how it is tomorrow in the main cybercafe; it's likely much slower on the land. There's nothing on, but tomorrow, it's 'the ten commandments', which is what I've been actually studying with the rs course; now what's the chance of this happening.

There's only a minute to go now on the download I'm waiting for. Everything seems harried. I have a million books to go through, scattered over my usb, plus I have to write non-fiction and get all my notes together for that. Tie the whole thing together into a single website. Find places to submit new writing, once I even know the format, find places to sit the exam. The goal, starting from nowhere (and it's a secret, so I'm trusting you not to tell anyone) is to be a graduate at 40. I've four years, just over, if I can play it right -- I'll get my certificate just as the money runs out.

Did I say that A. gave me a grand as a gift before leaving. You only do that if you give a damn about someone.

Download done. Going home!

Date: Friday 13th April 2007

Unnamed Cybercafe, Pantao Road, Yangshou, China, 6-38pm

I got ever so sentimental leaving Guangzhou... and why not? It was the first place I was really settled. I got in a really good routine. It was no where as bad as I thought it would be. I kind of got to know a few locals to nod at.

I'd be happy back there now to be honest.

It's frustrating because all my websites are blocked in China, so I don't know how to upload this... but at least I can type to the usb while I'm waiting for my download I suppose.

So, I was there... and when it was time to check out, I left the room, and it all went so smoothly.

Oh, just remembered. The night before, I lost my wallet. I had to change money leaving the island, to use the metro. I was almost home when I realised that I didn't have any cash with me. I went all the way back, but the guy didn't speak English. A local called me back to help translate, which was nice, but it was gone. No real damage done though. I had just moved the credit cards to my money belt, and so there was only a hundred yuan in there.

Anyway, next day, they stored my bags for me. I happened to find a map in reception of the place I was going to, Flowers in Guilin. So I didn't need the computer. I got some cakes (getting fat now), and went to the Island. On the bridge over, there's a girl there, usually monday to wedneday. She looks about ten. She has something in Chinese, quite intricate, in front of her, and she kneels and rocks before it, and never ever ever stops (honest).

I had my little sit down by the water, really wishing I could stay. I went to Blenz for a bit. I sat there until a loud American with a woman on a tandem came and spoke loudly.

I wanted to speak about the kinds of people you get on the Island, namely the Americans there. Apparently, if an American wants to adopt a Chinese baby there, then there's an American embassy there and it takes about a month. So that's what they all do. The shops rent out strollers and these fat Americans walk about with Chinese babies and toddlers.

It really used to wind me up though. Most of them were too old, and their government obviously wouldn't have allowed them to have a baby or child. It's scandelous that the Chinese allow it really. They sit in restaurants complaining about the food and (honestly) have the kids on their laps talking about the steaks and pork chops they'll have when they get home.

But they're the worst kind of people. They looked at me when I walked in places with utter disgust and suspicion on their faces, i.e. they're aaaallll deeeeppp south honey, and anyone my colour is one of the people who attacked the twin towers. I'm not white, fat (yet) and I haven't swapped a baby for a changeling, so I'm a definite object of suspicion. Vile. Vile. Vile. But they're (even worse) all on a religious mission. They get one kid, and all sit around talking about praying and J.C. and rubbish, and then come out and get another one. They think they're saving kids from 'religious darkness'.

I wrote something in my notebook called Shaiman Reflections. I had a good think, because actually it was Easter Sunday. I remember two years ago in Cochin, with Binnie and co. I thought to myself, that this, alone on Shaiman, was definitely better somehow. I don't know how. It just, seems right to be there.

Another thing I realised, or noticed, was 'footcock'. No. It's a game. Basically there's a big shuttlecock and the Chinese all go down to under a bridge and play it without racke6ｳOｦﾛ?鷄`ﾆ~ｾﾓE .P9L{ﾖFｼﾐ-ｪyﾚX>EﾊｧoｲEjZ.?嶸?6?�L ﾞ_??<ﾎｪiｧｩIｫhexldﾑ･ｶﾔ"XevﾆpﾃﾜﾄW/瓱ｴｹﾔO}N"?ﾕﾃｺzEUﾛﾜlEhwj�qﾐvｬMkﾂZN?ｸｸﾒr6?m･EE0?ｹSM?-?ｶwqOgｩﾞ(C�ｪGﾞｧ@ﾚs?默O` -e J?a+ l=E?mZZﾟ[ﾚﾞXｸsﾐEv耡ｴE}?餠?｣M?%1?'｢ｭ`ﾌ莅ﾕｾ?^)2ﾀl1NﾁﾂOj嵭wｻﾔoﾀﾏﾖｪ｢]}ﾈｮJｭ､E0ﾇCd:Nw聨??RnYｶEｱﾞ?"ZﾔEﾄIｧD!bﾑEﾝﾗ?'ﾐﾖj? m$?ｮN??ﾒEﾄ{ﾝｧM??9ES�x鸚Myewm=ﾕｴLs?~EE?imﾎ詹ilzVEﾛk?jｱｴjN 7c]nｷEﾁﾏjﾆﾍJﾌEl�+H4?ｷﾖﾃEF]W釥w?y ? ?ﾜzﾙ5ｭｼﾖE?U 焏5??>k u??yaｴxE3?Z葢ﾑｧﾛ_?e<6Z'?ﾜｸｵﾊﾅwﾌw?.祠ZRz?(R_ﾚW? qｼ?6E�33V籟偀?w^k)瀨ﾘx^9<昮7N?Eｵ･ ?gﾚｷﾇ^ｵ､?E#ｻﾁi$?佖FzW1w稾ｷ@� tv�EﾟEｾﾟﾂｶ?ﾑ}KEmk "???｢ｮ2爛ﾞ｡E9+睛Eﾜi揵M?)zs魲ｵIﾒﾞV?Gz59P}?Iﾍ･ﾊﾉQ{｣[ｷｷ?? ﾈｬlP ､ qHﾋﾇMXHEV{wE?巐^O駢:,W ｪ_ﾛｷ)鑈?ｱｭi+悅2i;3�ﾒ汜 FA9ﾙﾘfｧｼｺK+7ｺEt^ｪEzﾈ･ｱﾄEｵｩ狃ﾓo?cｺEFﾁEEW?i3O"YE_?gE 鋠ｴﾔ.ﾖ��ﾔmﾁEjｭkus･ﾈ???畊�'ﾐ晗Qz?=6}b鏐xp??CR}Aﾙ｢ｴp?

Same cybercafe, Sunday 15th April 2007

Well I was saying something really interesting there, a deep social observation, but it didn't turn out right. I'm here during my fourth hour at this computer, which actually works.

Anyway, I've done as much as I can work wise, for now, or I'll go mad.

I, in case I can't find a way to retrieve the info, was talking about 'footcock', and basically making the observation that people play in groups which are very mixed, both genders, all ages. It certainly seems that you don't get the social division. I mean, a basic game of kicking something between people just wouldn't appeal to people in the west anyway; it doesn't result in being stoned, having sex or making you richer. But if they did do something like that, then they would split off the genders and generally play in same age groups. There is a better kind of unity here I think. There are millions of female taxi drivers in Guilin. It's just b etter.

So anyway, I left the Island. I went back and got my bag, and then braved the crowds at the station. This particular trip was one I'd been dreading ever since I decided to come, though in actuality, it was very easy. The station was as horrible as it ever was, but I worked out that the displayed numbers were actually waiting room numbers, and you can just... sit there. When the train was called, I followed everyone on, found my berth and just lay there. I bought some water, had enough food, and it was basically effortless. I had a long bout of sleeplessness, but really, considering the amount of worry that this trip had given me, it was very easy when I came to do it.

The friendly guard came to wake me up about forty minutes before we arrived. I already had directions, so I walked forward, but then wasn't sure which alley to go up. I sat along the main street and thought about it. Then I walked around a lot. I noticed I was losing my temper by the time I found it. But I went up and a friendly woman showed me a tiny room with air con, a hard bed and nothing else. This was after we couldn't open the door to my designated room.

I fell asleep for about an hour and a half. I woke up and went to the toilet, then couldn't open the door again. The woman came with me but also couldn't open it.

Monday 16th April 2007

Same place, twenty to six at night

She said wait for half an hour and I can have another room which will be nicer. I waited, and then was shown to the new roon, which didn't have a window, but did have a kettle. So I stayed there for three nights. I'd paid for two, and decided to make it a week, but it was booked, then it wasn't, Oh God, it was a mess, the way it was run I mean.

Not so much happened there. I again got into a good routine. There's a really nice supermarket, so I could make decent food, and I found the cybercafe. There are a couple of lakes to sit and eat food by, I found a bakery that made bread with no sugar in.

I decided to get my laundry done. It was supposed to be fifteen, but the irritating woman didn't write the money in the book, plus it was the same again for drying, so perhaps she was keeping it... or perhaps I'm too suspicious? Anyway, I went down an hour later and she said another hour, plus there were some ciggerretes in my pocket, but she'd taken them out. She was constantly giggling, not particularly about this as I could hear her from my room.

Anyway, then I went to rest, came back and there was just gunk everywhere, she wouldn't stop laughing, I had to carry it up dripping wet to the rooftop. But this same woman was just making up the prices whenever I wanted anything.

But I did get quite a bit done and they stored my luggage for free. The sitting area was nice, and I didn't have to be alone the whole night.

I'd been told the room was full, so and although I'd found the Internet, the connection wasn't good enough to make a booking, so I had to leave for Yangshou with no booking, just the address of where I wanted to stay. I went down to check out and the woman, a different one who's really friendly, said that she'd had a cancellation and I could stay. This really put me in a dilema because I'd already packed, but then again, I wasn't looking forward to going there without a booking. Then, believe this or not, she said why don't the two of us go to Yangshou together and stay in this... something place, I didn't catch the name. I said no thanks and left.

I got to Yangshou and walked around looking for the place. I didn't like the first impression, but perhaps that's because I didn't have a booking? I went in Backstreet Youth Hostel, but there was only a dorm, so I said I'd keep looking and come back. I did go back when I couldn't find the one I wanted, Sweet, so I went back.

I met this Australian woman.

Thursday 26th April 2007

Love cybercafe, Yangshou, China. 1pm.

Anyway, to continue, I met this Chinese women. She was with her husband and son who were booking a tour. She came over and just said hello, asked if I spoke English, and then we chatted for about five minutes. She was Chinese race Australian. It was nice. It was the only conversation I've had since I left.

They had to go, and when I said to the woman that I would take the dorm, there was suddenly a single room. I paid straight up, and it was very pleasent. It had a window with a view of some roofs etc. I stayed there two days and really liked it. I left after that because, I don't know, mainly because I'd already decided on Sweet and so thought I would carry on there. The owner of Backstreet was really nice though, and I've passed her since and it was embarrassing because I'd checked out.

So I went to Sweet, the woman had gone to meet me at the bus stop, I'd missed her email, so she came back and I was in a bad mood, though I can't remember why. She was making a real effort to be friendly. She turned that off as soon as I'd checked in, essentially, which is fine as I don't need the chittychatty. The room was nice. The sheets were damp for a while but then they changed them.

And I settled in Yangshou. I used to go and eat in a place called Hard Seat, but the staff had the bad habit of sneering at guests, so I settled into going to Minority Cafe, run by... minorities, a family that is. I go there twice a day. I wake, eat in Minority, work on sociology studies which I photogrpahed (the book) in Victoria library, then I shop, back to minority, home to listen to podcasts, then bed. Oh, I have afternoon snacks down by the river.

The 'golden week' is coming up, meaning I have to leave, I was told today that it's booked Sunday. So, I've asked at Minority, and he can do an attached room for 100 if eight days in advance. So, I'm off to the atm, but still thinking about it I guess. I'll ask a couple of other places and if nothing better, I'll go and speak to him. It's expensive, but if not then it'll be hanging over my head.

Next Day

Dreams Retrospective

Of April 3rd...

I was in Guangzhou and had only been travelling a while. This isn't the dream, it's part of the setting of where the dream occoured. When I first left England, I had a two or three week period where I was incredibly tired in the afternoons, so lethargic, that I used to have to come back and have a sleep. So I came back and only slept for a while, then had the dream.

I don't recall any details, except that, in the dream, I was being informed about something that was going to happen 'in about five weeks time', which will be around the time of my birthday. There was no indication as to whether this would be a positive or negative event, but as usual, I interpreted it straight away as negative, and wondered if I'd die around then. But as I lie there, I thought to myself, 'Why do I always interpret these things as negative?'.

Then I went back to sleep worrying generally about my health. Straight away, I had the following dream:

I was with Junko and she dropped something into a nearby pool and I retrieved it for her -- exagerating the situation pretending it was full of danger as a joke.

I was with some Australian backpacker in a hostel. He had applied for some kind of a visa and it had been requested that he provide a medical certificate. He phoned his father, who arravnged for him to see someone. His "Dad said he'd phone around and make some 'conservative calls' to 'get the ball rolling', and I had this inclination to tell his father that the whole thing was routine and not to worry.

Then I was at A's house. Two packages arrived containing two lenses for a camera I had. One was a standard prime lenjs, and one was a long zoom.

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Next Day, Saturday 28th April 2007

Happened again.

6 May 2007 - My Birthday - China

Today's the last day of Golden Week, and also my birthday. Golden week is on the same date every year, and also, I just now learned, is a Japanese holiday. So perhaps I was celebrating in a realm somewhere and came back to the earth when I'd finished?

It was quite a nice day actually. I woke up, had fried aubergine and rice, went and sat by the Li River for a while, when to the Riverside Restaurant and actually got served, and I wrote something I've been thinking about friendship, which I'll type in a minute.

I'm still in Minority. There's a little kitten called Nini there, and last night I went in the room and she was shut in there, probably from when they cleaned. So she played with my landline while I saw in the birthday.

Yesterday, the waitress sat with me and we practiced English, she gave me a rice cake and we talked about the orange juice. Today, I got an automated email from Prince Charles Cinema wishing me happy birthday. From all the time's I've had to give out my date of birth in forms, you'd think someone would have set up a happy birthday.

There's no heavy news. A phoned. The buyers pulled out temporarily (for the house) because part of their chain collapsed. Yasmine went mad about the money being split. There's a cheque on the way for the cash in hand for 27,000.00. The 500 I put in European stock finally made back all it's losses and is twelve pounds in black. There was this impossibly tall person called Walter in Minority who got in the habit of saying hello to me. My Religious Studies goes OK and is becoming a good looking website, but I can't get past the Chinese firewall to upload it.

So, to every thing I wrote today.

Changed my Mind 6 May 2007 Yangshou China

New Policy on Friends, Friendship and Company

I've been writing a long, long piece of work about how nearly all speech that people take part in is pointless, but also harming as it involves self-building.

People take consciousness and associate it with the body it's currently operating within, then discriminate the human species into all the groups possible: nationality, race, gender, political persuasion etc. and then argue about which group is best -- or to be more specific, state and/or imply that all the groups they belong to are best -- all on the assumption that there's something to be gained in the world other than the moment.

People who refuse to take part are assigned to groups anyway, and mutely playing stand-in parts, their silence is assumed to be the acceptance of a group's defeat.

And the whole mess is just a sprawling net of self-building. The self, contrary to most western thinking, is actually the cause of all suffering.

Therefore, I give up.

I don't belong to any group, place or person. I'm just a lost consciousness using senses here in a moment, seeking Nirvanah.

Societies generally an illusion, there's nothing to be gained. My answer to almost every question is, 'I don't know' because ... I don't know. It's nice, because although I don't know many things; I know it's nice not knowing.

When I speak, I'll try and follow the Buddha's criteria of right speech. I shall endeavor that everything I say is:

True
Useful/beneficial
Kind/non-harming

Summery

There is no self.
All groups are pointless mental constructs.
All I say tries to be true, beneficial and kind.

If you meet me and are not the same -- please don't even bother, as my silence might be mistaken s your victory -- and your growing self causes your increasing suffering and overflowing selfingwords. I (really) don't like seeing your suffering.

********** Nanning Typing *******************

Date: Around the end of May 2007

Nanning, China. Note: called 'Nanning Typing' because... there happened to be a free computer in the room, but typing was about all it can do.

Another aside. I remember the first time I was ever in China, in Shanghai in 1994, meeting some Canadian guy who'd been in Nanning on the way to Vietnam but was robbed of his passport and so had to come back to the embassy. So then, Nanning was always this far off dreamy place far on the Western border.

It's a strange situation that I find myself typing here. I'm in Nanning, the main large city close to the border with Vietnam, and actually sitting in a room typing this into my mail account, because I can't actually sign into anything else. I can't use my usb key, I can't upload or access my website or blogs. But at least I'm here, with some kind of vaguely working computer in the room, the first ever in my room, just a week after I decided how productive I'd be with a laptop and asked the universe for one. Not quite my own laptop today, but it's a start towards one.

Next Day

Oh, I didn't get so far with typing then. The novelty of a computer in the room wore off pretty quickly when I realised that there's pretty much nothing it can do. I'm managing to do this typing into the mail account.

But while I'm here, I might as well say something about my time in Yangshou.

Overall, I loved it. It's funny isn't it. What feels like a million years ago now, I was sitting in UK, planning a trip to Bangkok, and that place seemed good because there was supposed to be the best cybercafe in China, and I did indeed end up there doing a load of typing, well, work generally, I pretty much built my site about religious studies.

It was a dark place and they overcharged a little, though it still worked at five hours for a pound, five times cheaper than England.

I left when I met Simon. I first became aware of him when I was sitting eating in Minority one morning and he had some semi-fight with a foreigner next door. He's about my age. Some guy was saying about how he never buys drinks, always scrounges and is trouble.

One day in the cybercafe, which turns out to be called Love Internet, he was there arguing about price, and he asked me if I know how much it should cost.

I'd see him about around town and he'd say hello. One day he was passing and just joined me without asking, luckily just as I was leaving. He told me how to get a one year visa in Hong Kong and that I should go up to Kunming.

A few days later he caught my eye in the same place and said hello but I looked away. I'm really an expert at stonewalling people.

Anyway, while chatting, he mentioned that he was paying half of what I was in the cybercafe, and I was funny about using it after that, because I realised they were being arrogant there. I tried a few other places but there was too many technical problems. Also, the Chinese don't use printers, I've not seen one the whole of the time I've been here, and I've gone about as far as I can without print outs.

I met quite a few people there, or rather people tried to speak to me and I managed to get away from them. There was Walter, did I mention him. A Dutch guy who smoked all the owners cigarettes and was impossibly tall. He noticed my religious studies book and spoke about all these religious experiences he'd had.

A lot of Chinese wait down by the river and try to start conversations with foreigners to practice English. Having been in India so long I'm always suspicious. Once I was sitting at a table and a woman came and joined me saying just, 'Are you alone?', which really isn't an opener. So I got up and walked off. There are loads of people I stonewalled like that. I feel bad in a way now as they weren't touts as far as I can work out, they really were just people who wanted to practice their English.

There was this one boy who was unbelievably persistent. Each time I saw him coming I got up and walked off. Once, I was eating something and couldn't get away, so he did manage to get conversation out of me. He said he's staying at a school where I can have a job but it only pays board, not wages. I passed the school a while later and they were actually offering wages then. Anyway, this boy in the 'conversation' said that I seem really down and do I want to talk about it.

I spent a lot of time sitting in Riverside. I used to go there a few times a day. Once three women came up, they looked about eighteen and one had three long marks down her neck, like someone had love bitten her to make a pattern. Anyway, they said that they were having a party in the dorm and did I want to join them? I said that I was busy.

Even the woman from the hotel sat and joined me. Under the pretense of asking if I preferred orange juice room temperature or cold, she ended up with a dictionary. Her husband arrived and I think he was trying to get into Buddhism, but it was a slow conversation.

Everything was well and good. I invested some of the money which the solicitor sent, it's a part payment of the money mother had as cash. I bought just a couple of grand of bonds as I already have the shares.

I completely finished studying the Religious studies book and made a mind map for every chapter. I made a parcel up and sent them all back, as well as my shoes, so I'm traveling a bit lighter now.

I think it just became time to leave. I liked Minority. The man was honest and they were a nice family. I liked the food, but that hotel room became like a prison. There was a neighbour who had a cockerel which kept me awake. It was all so enclosed. I went over to Guilin and the same staff all remembered me and said hello, but the one in charge ignored me, this is the one who said that she wanted to come with me to live in, what I didn't know at the time, but she was asking if we could both stay at the Yangshou Culture House. This is Hostelworld's highest ranking place and she probably knew that most foreigners are on the way to stay there.

Anyway, I walked out and ended up booking flowers on line when I wanted to return.

They started being weird in Riverside. I used the computers for free there a little as I was off Love Internet, but they all used to laugh knowingly when I went there. One morning it got to me and I just walked out and never went back. It was a nice little place while it lasted though.

My God, is this all that happened in Yangshou?

Anyway, Minority owner wrote down my instructions/requirements for a ticket and I went to Guilin train station, but there was only the hardest class, so I went back without it. A few days later, I left, just resigned to having a hard seat.

So I left. I went back to Flowers, and the woman was friendlier and checked me in, then I went to the centre and ate at a new place. It was nice. Opposite there was a big sign for 'King David Bowling' but it was all old and peeling paint and no longer there. I thought about how much trouble must have gone into making it, and what the business was like when it was running and all the happy memories that some Chinese people must have because they'd never been bowling, and now it's just some forgotten nothing, peeling paint and broken neon.

Some foreigners, British, were near me. They complained that the Guinis was out of date, but they were looking at the manufacture date. It didn't make any difference as they'd convinced themselves that it tasted funny. They sat and played cards for a while and then went away to a bar next door. As they left, the woman turned and pointed me out to her partner and 'that guy who kept staring at me funny'. So obviously the clientele aren't good enough for them as isn't the beer.

The waitress joined me and tried to make conversation, prompting me to immediately call for the bill, though she didn't seem to mind, perhaps it's just me that's weird.

That evening, A phoned. All is well. Apparently the man who painted at A's goes to Geoff's place some times. He was there in the evening once and there's only a few people in. A said there's real money problems there. It's something that mother said to me more than once towards the end; he's not suited to running a pub. he's clannish with just a few regulars, doesn't introduce his family around etc. But whatever, he's nothing to do with me now.

I left the next day to the much dreaded first class. The attendant showed me to the wrong seat and I had to move, but then there was no space for my bag, so it was on my lap, but the guy next to me helped me.

I knew where I was going as I'd done a fair bit of research, and even looked at the satellite photo at GoogleEarth, so I walked across into Chayang hotel. It looked OK, but they insisted on 100Y deposit, which is fair enough, but there was no receipt. I checked in anyway. I stayed and then walked off looking for the Vietnamese Consulate, but couldn't find the building. I was so tired that I went to bed.

I got strange phonecalls all night from a Chinese woman. Next day I walked up to the Nanning hotel and asked them for help and they wrote the address of the Vietnamese consulate down for me. It was far but a taxi was less than a pound. I went in, filled in the form and was done.

Next day I went and got my ticket to Hanoi. No idea which class or anything, but I have it and am leaving this evening.

There's not so much in Nanning. I remember when I first came to China and stayed in Shanghai. People were coming and going and told me about all these places. I remember a Canadian who had been robbed here on the way to Vietnam, and so had gone back to Shanghai to replace his passport. I remember the Aussies who told me about Yangshou, and I ended up going.

But there wasn't so much here. I walked down to the shopping centre at Parkinson and relaxed, but that was about it. Yesterday I came here to look at the room as those funny phonecalls go on and on and on, and I still didn't feel good about the deposit I'd paid. There was a computer in the room, and I got Google docs on it, so checked in and went and got two days shopping, then got back and realised that it can hardly do anything. It's uses a proprietary browser and I can't turn session cookies or ActiveX controls on, so it's near useless... but at least I can type this I suppose. It cuts out when it gets hot though. I paid for a half day and though what the hell, it's just opposite the station, and a computer in the room is still one hell of a novelty. I'm trying to download a different browser to see if I might make a hotel booking, but if now then I'll do it elsewhere before leaving.

LATER

I've got ten minutes before I check out; I can't decide if I should hang about a restaurant or book accommodation, the I ching thinks I should just go and see what I can find, unbooked. Actually, there's just five minutes.

I wanted to say two things that became clear to me in Yangshou. One, I'll likely not have a conversation again. I think I already said that somewhere.

But I think the other thing is that I don't really want to be with anyone. Very often walking around Yangshou or having a tea somewhere, being mindful and watching my thoughts or just thinking, I was often aware that it was better just me and I was glad there was no one there.

It's a bit like in Satipatanna sutra, where it's as important to be aware of the absence of desire as when desire is present.

I spent so much time avoiding people who wanted to talk to me, perhaps I realised that I prefer it that way. I spent my whole life worried I'd never find someone, and still worrying while I avoid everyone... and perhaps I should wake up to the fact that I don't like being with people and be happy with that.

Right, I'll write another time. Look at the booking pages; and get to Hanoi!

*************************

Pictures Since (and just before) leaving

When the camera first came, I'd read in reviews that is wasn't good at handling contrast, so I was paranoid to start with, comparing it to the Olympus. This artificial flower is in A's kitchen.

I was really lucky technology-wise, getting pretty much everything I really needed finished before leaving, mainly having dvd's and cd's made.

Llyods. I spent the last Sunday there.

Views from the bedroom window; I was basically testing the camera.

Praying at the shrine.

On the bus to A's from town.

Again, testing the camera around A's house.

A's garden.

Cooking in the room, I sure don't miss that tripe now.

Copying study books in the garden, being bothered by next door's cat, then A's lounge.

I got this book from Weston Favell library, and it was so good. I was obsessed with a book about the Abhidharma in Kathmandu years ago and it was a big influence on my writing and thinking.

So I had to really work to get this finished in time, but I managed it and have it safely now on my usb.

Outside the main church in Northampton became one of 'my' places. I used to sit and have Lattes there. I was still getting used to the camera and it's various settings.

Testing contre jour.

I went to Edwards for a change.

I kept off repacking the box as I again have to both cull my possessions, and look at Junko's things.

Copying more study books in the garden.

Mind maps in my previous sketchbook.

Saying goodbye to my father and Elizabeth his partner. I think they've worked out that there's something wrong with me; they've stopped asking me what I do for a living, and they really didn't try and force food on me this time.

I must be a dissapointment to him. I recall the last time I saw him as a child, mother was throwing him around a car park. I'd forgotten it completely until he brought it up and the memory came back. It must have bothered him all that time. I don't really blame him; I wouldn't have kept contact if someone was being violent to me.

Got the case empty.

Llyods on the last Sunday; I got quite sentimental about it.

How can I be so dumb, there's nothing to miss.

Finally started packing the box on Sunday night.

Went to New Tung Shin for a break, and noticed their beckoning cat!

It's stored up in A's airing cupboard, though Scott the solicitor said he's take it. Not sure what's best now, and it bothers me even sitting here.

I didn't get down until one am. but A was sleeping. So I went later, and we had our chat.

This was as I left the next day. I sent her the picture, touched up, from London and she really liked it.

A coffee in Victoria on arriving.

Whetherspoons

Printing the photo for A in Snappy Snaps.

Changing money.

Rainy Finchley Road.

Me in the bathroom in Swiss Cottage, I thought I'd photograph how thin I'd got before fattening up in Asia.

As planned, I finally managed to scatter mother's ashes in Kennsington Gardens.

Then I lit her a candle at St. James, Picadilly.

There was a film premiere at Leister Square, though I don't know which one.

A quiet think in Covent Garden, where I know Mother liked to come when she was in London. I had just a few ashes for the benches near the buskers.

Last day, breakfast in Whetherspoon. All the times I'd been there but not allowed to eat. I finally got to try the food. Very nice!

I'd got the LifeMagic cd to send to J but as it turned out, there wasn't time to send it.

Arriving at Gatwick, ironically, the place, the EXACT place where I'd been to apply for the job about eight months previously.

I walked in and was immeadiately stopped and searched by the police, just me and no one else. INSANE. But at least I was about to be free.

Long, long queue, but Oasis was good. It was so good I ended up sending them an email to the ceo saying how much I liked it and he wrote back thanking me.

FREE FREE FREE AT LAST

Praise the Buddha, we are free at last!

I spent the flight being kicked by an autistic boy, but didn't care as I was gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. Oh what an awakening, all hail.

After a year of near incontinence, I used the toilet once and have been pretty much normal since arriving; so it must have been the diet.

Dragon Hostel, Mong Kok, HONG KONG, safe and sound. Thank you!

Notice the beckoning cat on the tv; it'd been waiting for me.

Kowloon Park, I felt strange, but I had been expecting that for a long time.

Hong Kong Island from the Harbour.

The KCR clock. I spent New Years Eve 1994 under there, seeing in the year I met Junko, and I hadn't seen it since.

It became my favourite place.

This is pretty much all the pictures I took of Hong Kong, I watched tv, ate at kcr, and just got used to being away. I had a lot of lethargy in the first days, or weeks perhaps. Maybe I was getting used to the heat.

This is a poster for transgendered awareness in the station I left from, Hung Hom, there's a lot of social awareness in Hong Kong. I think they have the consciousness of trying to focus on ways to be different from the mainland.

I checked into the room in Guangzhou. I had been lost but was happy to be finally safe, especially after the last visit. The room itself had this over the top picture of Guilin, my next destination, as a muriel.

Shaiman Island, the place I never got to see the first time around.

The CITS hotel room.

Blenz coffee, Shaiman.

Great computer place in town. I was in a lovely routine of working there.

Blenz, and playing with the camera.

Guangzhou underground. Super clean and safe, just like most of the streets when you get out. Very impressive changes to this city. I loved it.

The main street in the centre on the way to the cybercafe

Badly parked car on Shaiman.

Shaiman and Blenz coffee house.

Underground.

Blenz.

My picnic spot near the water, eating tea eggs, feeling lonely and happy and watching footcock.

Making dinner with a kettle in the room.

Receipt for my train ticket, and around Shaiman.

Sad and sentimental when leaving the room, it was the first place I'd felt settled in years.

Town centre on the way to the computer.

Last time on Shaiman Island.

Train to Guilin.

Arriving at Guilin, staying at Flowers Youth Hostel and looking all around.

Meiyou Cafe, only went once.

Getting lucky at Backstreet Youth Hostel.

View of West Street from Hard Seat Cafe.

Mayo Cafe, the first place I ate after finally finding somewhere to live in Yangshou. I really liked it as it was the first proper sit down meal in Asia which I'd been looking forward to so much. As it turned out, there were much better places and I ended up never going again!

Views from Hard Seat Cafe in west street. I liked it there and went often, but ended up switching to Minority Cafe as a better place.

Views from a balcony cafe in West street, where I finally made a start of the Religious Studies maps.

The first time I ever went into Minority Cafe, I didn't know it would end up being home for so long.

Li river, where I used to relax, until all the people learning English sent me insane.

I was kind of happy in this room, but the owner booked it as she, basically, was greedy and wanted more over the holiday period, not knowing I was happy to pay at Minority and then stay another six weeks.

I remember being out that night, a bit down (as usual in the dark) and being eaten alive, but the lighting was quite... weird.

Mi Mi, the owners cat.

Behind the counter at Minority

Market stalls taken from Riverside.

Views from Riverside.

The room at Sweet Hotel I was happy in but had to leave.

Love Internet

It was odd to find this place because I was sitting in awful UK dreaming... and planning the trip, and I got the books from the libraries and realised that the guidebook said that the best cybercafe in the whole of China is in Yangshou, and when I looked at the map, it was on the way to 'Nam... so it was kind of part of the plan. That's where I'll sit and study A Levels, and make web sites about my studies.. and books and so on.

So, half-way round the world, the dream became reality, and there I was sitting in the exact place, and it turned out to be just about perfect and I was shocked and I did it, and here I am today in Nha Trang, Vietnam, also part of the plan.

It's odd, to plan something so far away, and then just go and do it. It's ... just odd, but great!

I ended up leaving in a huff when I realised it was flexi-pricing and I was at the sh** end of it. But it was a dream of a place to work in until then.

Li River

Minority Cafe

Li River by night

Notebook. I don't think Japanese, but Hokkaido, I think, is the place where Junko and I said that we would go together if I went to Japan (yes, I'm starting to think about going)

Magic by the Li river

The 'to do' list I made in Uk. I did most of it and it got me abroad. Very satisfying to rip that up and bin in. Well done me!

Mi mi used to rush in my room when I was entering sometimes. It was hard getting him/her out as it was an undiscovered room for him/her. Somehow, he/she managed to curse my camera for a while also.

Postcard to Junko

Minority. Aubergine in Garlic is one of the best dishes in the world

This was on my birthday. I lay on my back by the Li River and looked at the sky. Not sure what the building is, but it was opposite Riverside.

Smoking filters. I sent five to UK to sell on ebay.

Riverside's cats. The owner thought it was fun to tie them together sometimes, and other times. swing them round by their arms.

Minority

Chubby Riverside waitress

Magic in Riverside

Minority owner helping me find out about tickets to Nanning. I used to call him Yao because the menu said that the owner is 'Yao people', which I thought was a name, but actually means he's from the minority group known as Yao people.

I'm not sure if this strangely coloured lake was polluted, or supposed to be like that.

After I got my ticket in Guilin, I came to this place on West Street as it was the only place that had cola light.

Back to the balcony restaurant after I had a definite booking.

I ate my almost last meal there in another branch of Meiyou, but it wasn't good.

Minority, with the grotesque dummy wearing Yao clothes

The room had come to feel like a prison... but they all do after a night or two. Not having daylight didn't help.

Once I'd checked out, I had a last hour in Love Internet. Quite sentimental (pathetic) but I was getting hard info about the road also.

The bus leaving. I saw a cybercafe I'd never noticed. Argh.

A day in Guilin.

A night in flowers

Arriving in Nanning. I'd worried a lot about the hotel, but it was OK and had a view of the station. I wasn't happy paying a 100 deposit though and couldn't get it off my mind.

A well protected taxi driver took me to the Vietnamese embassy. I'd tried to find it on foot but I had bad info from the Internet and it turned out to be kilometers away.

That's one thing I definitely miss about China, the self-catering. Such cool things in supermarkets.

Silly sign in the hotel

Buying my ticket. It was soft class, the easiest one, but turned out to be quite a hard journey.

I checked out and moved across the road. The new room at YingBin had a computer in the room, there's a first, but it was barely useable.

Another first, a Chinese first class waiting room. But I've had easier trains that were lower class. But the Chinese woman gave me her berth when she realised I didn't like my upper one.

Arrived in Vietnam!!!

I got caught in the rain and ended up sheltering in the roadside. A local woman came out and gave me a stool from her house and a plastic bag to put over my head.

The room in Hanoi, sixteen was more than I wanted to pay... but it was OK. I again got paranoid I was going to be ripped off, but I must have got overly suspicious in my old age. It was fine and I was happy there... though it felt like a prison after a few days (really?).

I've grown to hate my Nikon camera though. The Olympus was better. This one can't handle contrast at all, and it's slow and it misnumbers shots and it just can't expose any colours accurately at all. It really is a poor camera. but at least I have one at all.