Same day... just about.

Dream (of today, the 3rd)

I was in Milton Keynes hospital. Mother and my father were getting married. He was very excited, but I realised that she had backed out.

I was walking through an Islamic graveyard. I met an older woman that I somehow knew from India, an indophile I think, and we chatted.

I think I was at A's. I know that she was there, and I think M. might have been too. I was leaving and Anne got angry at me, saying I should be grateful and show that I was grateful. I was mad and snapped, that when you show someone thanks, you shouldn't do expected things out of a sense of responsibility, but do things from your heart spontaneously, actions that really mean something and contain true meaning.

It's hard to remember events as they happened. There was nothing significant in London. Mian sent an email to say hello, then ignored me subsequently. She's a bit of a game player. In Albert hostel the management accused me of smoking marijuana because of these herbal cigerrettes and wouldn't believe me even when I showed them the packet. I went and stayed up in Ashlee House for a night.

I'm not exactly certain... when I went to see M. I think A phoned Thursday and said she was worse and so not coming back at the weekend. So, I returned Friday, so it must have been then that I went? Is that right? No... but it must be?

So why don't I recall that meeting? No, there was some reason, yes, I have it. I came back on Friday. G. had a day off and had passed on the message, can I go Sunday instead because he can only get Saturday off. I'd planned to be back for a few days and so it was OK.

I came back, went back or whatever, and stayed at Annes. Sunday morning there was some call. G. had said she was bad the previous day. This day, Sunday, the hospital called and said she was ill, to visit her any time that we wanted. I heard A. say to G. on the phone that they mean she's dying. She said to me that she would pay for a taxi and that I was to go down.

I had a taxi. Went down. I approached and she was lying on her back. People looked at me strangely. As I got close, she looked straight at me and I said hello. I sat down, and after a few moments, realised that she was on the way out. Her eyes were open constantly and she occasionally groaned, well, almost constantly groaned, and obviously wasn't really conscious... though she did look straight at me when I walked in.

I sat there and didn't know what to do. After a while I had the thought to do Tonglen, do I basically did this for an hour. Then I touched her shoulder and said I was going, but she was out of it. I said I'd see her soon and if not, thanked her for her help and said I would do my best and to be happy, she I mean, and I left.

Monday was Bank Holiday. G had said she was better and A. was going. I had meditated with crystals, a hematite to speed things up, and A. took it in for me. When I saw her later she said M. had held them for a while.

Tuesday A. was going with Carly, so I said I might come. I thought about it all the time, then phoned from Town. I said I would come, but to tell Carly that I wouldn't speak at all.

I came back to the house. Carly was out adjusting the seat. We went to the car. Carly said nothing to me, nor looked at me and I didn't look at her... the whole time.

We got to the hospital. Me and A went ahead first. M was the same but the curtain was drawn. When A. came close she tried to move and A. said softly to just lie still. There was real gentleness in her voice. She asked me to come forward but I couldn't at that point. I sat on the radiator for a while.

I came forward. She was barley there, but came straight to full consciousness just for a moment and looked straight at me. I smiled and held her hand. It lasted about a second. Then she went again and her hand fell away. I sat on the radiator for a while. Carly arrived with a chair and I ignored her. The nurses then wanted to make A. comfortable, so I left and sat outside.

A. came and asked if I wanted to come back but I said no. They went back, then came out after some time and we went home. They chatted, as though I wasn't there as requested.

I went shopping, cooked, packed, decided to cancel all my trips.

I was getting ready for bed when the phone rang. I went downstairs with a toothbrush in my mouth and the call was just ending. It was G. The hospital had rang. She was very bad and anyone who wanted to say goodbye must go there straight away. G said that he would come over if we phoned in the next five minutes.

We discussed it. I said to A. that we had already said goodbye and M. would come to us.

I went upstairs and made a shrine to M infront of the little Buddha statues that she had bought from Oxfam, with three photos of her and three of me, and a thank you/goodbye note, with a candle and insense. I was just finishing it and the phone went again, about half an hour from the first one.

I went down and again it was finishing. It was Carly. She was gone. Everyone had been too late and she had been 'alone'.

We thought about it for a while and noted that it was lucky I had decided to go that day, or technically the previous.

But then she started talking about, I can't remember, ashes and funerals and then her ex-husband (telling, that I can't remember actually ever mentioning him here before though he was living with us most of my childhood), so I just went up.

I lit the candle, turned off the light and meditated, thought, sent out my thoughts. A put the tv back on after a couple of minutes, so loud as usual. M. always hated that she was sat in front of it all the time and never went out even though she could if she wanted to. It was irritating but I forced myself to see the stupid side as M. was (past tense) apt to do.

And it kept blaring until about 4am.

Next day it was too late to do much. I went and told her about the trip and perhaps I shouldn't cancel, and she thought it was a good idea. I went to the library and booked here, then Olave tomorrow, then the trip starts. So I have a lot to do tomorrow, application-wise and preparing. There's a lot more to say than this, but I can't now. Obviously this trip, and this time, are going to be catharcic, but I'm tired now. Tired.

Friday 12th May 2006

Dream/OBE -- about three days ago

I was sleeping on the bed and was semi-awake. I realised I was ready to OBE and knew I could go and see M. I heard a car accelerate outside and shot forward out of my body into the room. I couldn't leave for some reason, and so just waited a moment, knowing that she would come to me.

Then she came. She didn't have a body but was kind of a golden light. I hugged her and laughed and said, 'See, I told you there was an afterlife!'.

Interpretation

I was pretty much **expecting** that at some point.

They bury M today, in about half an hour.

I'm going up to a tiled church to sit and think, then I shall ... think some more I suppose.

I went to Jardin Crystal today and sat under a tree. I wrote this poem for M's funeral:

Everything forgotten,
remembered at length,
no longer cloudy eyes,
a light we both can see!

May your God go with you.