I don’t remember specifically how I left school I kind of edge the way from edged away by a series of events one thing was the pointlessness of it for example there was this one year where there was mandatory testing to decide what exam subject she was going to be put into so we’ll have to sit here and then we will put into subjects according not to necessarily the exams result the results were just a guide for the teachers to decide where you might go but I remember in the religious studies exam in all of the exams I did okay but in the religious studies exam I did exceptionally well in fact I got the highest result of the year but if you were the subjects that I quite liked I mean put into these classes the study and I think we’ve been going for about a year and I was sitting in the religious studies class and somebody made a question about what the exam would be like or we will be doing now with this come up in the exam and the teacher said nonchalantly oh this is the non-exam class you’ve been put here because it’s a legal requirement that you studied religious studies but you know this is the non-exam class and I was quite nobody seem to care but I was quite sure and I said well by my as well the teacher about the you wouldn’t ask anything no I was really into that was my favorite subject I like hearing about with these different beliefs and I said I came out highest in the year that’s out of four classes in this exam and it just struck and said well it’s up to this teacher and I realized then it makes absolutely no different I didn’t even know if I was in any exam classes and the test exam results are just disregarded it’s up to a bunch of ladies that barely know me and insist that I read books for retards
Another thing that had happened was Graham and his girlfriend Jenny these are the ones who basically were braces looking to physically attack me and Brian was in my commerce class now already you didn’t like me and he heard about this thing that happened in the previous school with Paul and now I was a gay fucking packy but the thing is he had a friend called Jason Wells it was just as rough as him absolutely hoodlum yeah the kind of face if you never met him before and even if he was dressed up nice and wearing a suit with straight hair which certainly isn’t how he dressed you could look into his face and see the face of a hoodlum maybe even a murderer I just looked pure rough I did Graham Graham at this horrible eyes we like skin pulled back on his face like there was a advice at the back of his skull pulling on his skin too they both look rough but for some reason after Jason told me get punched in the face a few times for no reason he told him to back off and leave me alone and he said no don’t hit him I like this kid this kid’s cool he’s different and he put his arm around me and kind of just hug me in it anyway and I don’t know why because we have nothing in common we never hang out and I didn’t really like him but he wasn’t okay with graham attacking me and every now and again with being some group and grandma would be in the background and it just came up and pat my back and say yes I love this kid is different I like him her name is kind of to make me a little bit cool because he was a real tough also let me just real tough kid like you even though he’s not explicitly protecting me it made it a bit more bearable but it was still pretty bad and the fact that I was spending a lot of time dodging him and also I was not even sure I’ve been in the exams and there was nothing I could do that wasn’t based on academic performance then my heart wasn’t in it
Of course by then I was essentially living in my mother’s house by myself now by then I used to walk up at the weekends I think Friday and Saturday night my sister’s house which is about 3 km away and I could easily walk that and I would babysit and she’s married a local skinhead but this was back when skinheads were linked to racism although he was a love stuck and she is the most unpleasant victory bitter woman in the world test textbook narcissistic personality disorder literally I mean I could give so many examples I’ll give one example and that is that she used to take me downtown every weekend and one day we were and she’d buy me a toy just some cheap things in the toy shop I’m on the way back on the bus we were going back to my aunt’s house then that’s when I still live there and she said I’m going to go auntie but tell auntie that you stole that dinosaur toy and I’ll say what I did she said yeah but I’m going to tell you you did and because I’m older than you and I’m an adult she’ll believe me and not you and she just laughed at me such a evil spiteful laugh and she full on meant it she would do that just despite me for no reason we won’t arguing nothing to provoke her it’s just the way let me know and again she just tell me nobody like me or my mother didn’t love me anyway we got home and it was playing on my mind so I got him first and went straight to my aunt and I told her what happened and my sister walked in said no he’s lying he didn’t pay for that we were in the shop and when we got out I saw in his hand and it’s stolen it and it was too late to take it back and my aunt knew her far too wrong by then and she knew me and I’ve got my phone but that’s not one of them and she just told her to get out of the house right now to not be believed but keep my own ideas she did do that but give my aunt her dues she did do that.
But my sister was really into punk and she had a lot of records and she was into rebellion and not doing what people wanted and she was very violent she was banned for many probes in town for either fighting or starting fights but she’s been a lot of time at the time I guess I thought we were close and she was trying to open my eyes to establishment and I just wanted me to be a weight slave and there was no point trying it anything can the school was all against me and she made me drop out and looking back and looking at the way that she treated her and children she was basically sabotaging me but I didn’t realize that at the time and I did take on this punk identity and nowadays looking back I don’t appreciate that sabotage although I must say I do like the punk idea I do think society is all just I think it’s rigged it’s against us I think there is no point in trying or making any effort I think the real effort you should be making in life is spirituality but at the time he was mainly Rebellion for the sake of it I’m going to look at my early diary writing which started about 2 years after I left school well maybe at the same time but I became serious 2 years after the first entry is roughly when I first left but it was just writing dreams down in those early days but I mostly talked about punk and Rebellion it took a while for the real me to come out
Well because I hated my day so much and I was by my myself in the house I started staying up all night and having a lot of trouble sleeping back then it was quite easy to buy alcohol and I was just giving Ricky money so instead of buying food I often bought cider and then of course I was drunk at school and when they saw that I was having trouble rather than find out what’s the problem and the main problem at the school was okay the exams if it’s too late to put me an exam classes but Graham was causing this trouble now at some point my face was quite badly bruised my mother noticed it and people noticed their school and teachers would just be able to look he’s been fighting again and nobody actually asked if I was okay or not and then they just said but he doesn’t like school and he’s tired all the time and more than anybody asking me what’s wrong they just moved me to these cars three times with my return book it was full it was a special class it wasn’t near any other classes it was different corridor where there was no other chances and those stairs going up it was almost like a a secret enclave with the kids that you know like a special wing in a prison where they put their sex offenders kids that need to be removed they put me there and then of course it was more isolating and I just had enough and I thought look I’ll go up to this pub where my mother works and just tell her what’s going on with this kid that’s at me so I walked and there was many many kilometers I mean it’s maybe 6 km and I got there instead of going to school one day I just turned up and I walked in and it was a quiet day it’s a holiday park so there was nobody there and I walked in and as soon as I walked in they started shame why you’re here why are you at school and they went absolutely mad me immediately got the car and drag me into not for one second did they say you know do you want to say something why are you sudden I mean don’t forget they never see me this is the first time they see me in weeks nothing turned up on the school day in school uniform and they immediately started shouting like the time I came back into the house and I’ve just been beating up by going to Graham and it was no are you all right or hello it’s immediate the minute I walked in is just trouble so I was dragged off back to the school and of course there was no reason for me to keep on going cuz there’s nobody to wake me up in the morning and I was in a retired car so I just didn’t go was in a retard pass so I just didn’t go.
But this was okay because in a way I had books and I could send off any book I wanted and I get my sister an envelope with my orders in and check there was all my order all these books come and all I cared about was the account and I was still getting prediction magazine and I just read and read and read and I went through all of the Golden Dawn books Alistair Crowley when I could get myself to town then I was getting very acted by that it was difficult being out but I was just spend basically all of the money on account books I read I mean I travel around the world and came back and I ended up getting maybe $1,000 for these books because there were so many and I really really read them this is back in the day when everybody had good attention everyone used to just staring a little screams not being able to concentrate I had a full four or five year old training and I’d say it’s starting one year I think it was maybe 89 or 88 it was ting prediction magazine at a special offer that if you subscribed for this year you could have binder to find all your previous magazines from the last year and you got a free book called the prediction book of magic and I sent off for it and I got my prediction book of magic and it basically just told you different ways you could do magic but I’d say it was basically a chaos book for example woman was to use the magic of plans to tell you attention to the growing of a plant and there was another I was getting into these little books as well could finbar where you’d send off £10 for this secret ancient seal and a ritual you could do to attract money or something all this little silly things but also some very deep heavy occultism like Crowley and a culture and then I really understood the basic of the basis of a pelt Magic and another thing I was doing was watching a lot of I like music I like the punk music but I also like the Beatles then and I was getting quite it caught my eye the story between John Lennon your Corona this kind of I got this idea of meeting a woman and being very devoted to me and that’s about changing this isolated life I was living and I became quite obsessed with that and I understood the basic of magic and I started doing these little rituals to meet a woman like that it would be devoted to me they could change my life for me and I was very green and I didn’t know the way the magic would work and a few times I did some ritual and I started going to London this is back when you could do a day trip on the train and he wasn’t too expensive and I’d like to go to the places where the sex pistols have been just for fun because I knew that I was stories I want place they mentioned at some point was high park and I got the idea I could do a ritual of set some intent of all the qualities of my perfect soulmate lover would have and I’ll do a ritual and I’ll go to the Hyde park and she’ll just turn up and be there and I was so young at 16 and believing at candles and and wishing candles and intent and crystal balls and chanting and all that magical things you could do I’m still full time I set an intent I sent out a ritual energy and I went out to London for the day and I sat and I thought waiting for this woman miraculously appear and the crazy thing is I don’t really picture that and women that fit the bill did come up not to talk to me and it turns out that my soulmate but that is a synchronicity that come up and ask me directions all the time and it was every time that approach me almost had a heart attack cuz I’m just sitting on some bench in Hyde park and I did this three or four times how many didn’t work and every time I came back and there wasn’t some woman with me it was begging me to to marry her and completely devoted to me I would analyze what was going wrong well was it because there was doubt in my mind or was it because I had the wrong kind of candle or was it because I did this type of ancient Greek seal ritual and it wasn’t the right time of astrologically when I get the candles and it was all these days this was before I was into photography so there’s no actual there’s no actual strong there’s no actual pictures of it but I sent off for soldering iron and four big pieces of wood and I built that kind of shrine it was like a base and four walls that kind of within the walls of trying to get on the side the high back so it was kind of the shape of a shrine that they use in these Chinese houses where you put deities there and I covered my intent I covered the whole thing soldering it with what I wanted to achieve and I remember then varnishing and it looked amazing and I would like candles and do various magic but I remember doing the the middle pillar and directing energy into this shrine any anchored around a marble egg that I bought from the occult shop and I could feel a warm water around it and I also had a a crystal pyramid and I’ve written my intent on paper I never flowers and the whole point was left magic I was going to meet this perfect woman and I set a date on the shrine and I did this ritual and when I did it the candles were they were letting it on night lights but while I was doing the ritual they suddenly burned huge they must have gone like two foot high which I was shocked and it was like a sign that I’ve been working so hard and I can feel this building magical energy in this shrine any food place trying to set date in London and I went to this place where I’d set my intent and it was a little calf at the end of the serpentine Blake I don’t know if it’s still there and a woman did come and speak to me I was sitting there and it was closed I can’t remember why and I was just sitting on the bench I’ve been there all day and I was starting to get this hard and all of a sudden a woman just like her picture in my mind Oriental and beautiful and a bit this hair shampoo just came up and again almost got a heart attack could you try to do it was behind me she reached across the pool this handle and I almost fainted and she just look confused and she asked me do I know why it’s closed and what’s going on and I could barely speak and I thought this is it it’s worked I found her and she kind of been just strugged and walked off and didn’t know anything about me or my magic and it was such a strange thing I thought that it was a sign but that didn’t work at the end of the day
Well I came back and I was back home then and one day I moved this shrine and where these cans of candles have blown up on the shrine there were these kind of dark marks from the heat and when I looked underneath it burned right through and they burned these holes in the carpet and I thought oh my God this is going to be awful and of course Brian was often drunk and it already hit me just one time and everybody’s been on his side I can’t remember why but it was about but I just I didn’t want the trouble of that so I just one day packed up and I went back to my own time and I just turned up I think I shaved my head one night and there was I don’t know I was inside that I wanted to be bored but he was blunt racer and I turned them there for her to help me and she saved the rest of it and I had like my attacking overnight bag or something I can’t stay and I just never went back to that house but by that time I’ve been alone pretty much for about 4 years and I remember my brother was occasionally there he’d finished boarding school the most working as an accountant but I remember sitting on the stairs once I was about to go to bed she didn’t know I’d come home and she was talking about me and she was saying that basically he’s gone mad he’s going crazy he sits that much into himself painting of her down like a wild animal and I had no idea that I was doing that but looking back I guess he was kind of true because I was very young I was maybe 12 with 13 when I started being isolated there and I’ve been by myself largely apart from Darren’s occasional visits for 4 years and I guess that it did send me a bit funny. At the start event about the time when I went up to see my parents hoping I could just tell them what was going on I did take and also I’ve been covered in bruises and nobody cared I did take it over those and I called my sister and they said ambulance and then they send me home that is part of that they made me see a psychiatrist I need to spoke to me and he said well I understand that you see voices you see faces in the sky and they’re talking to you is that right and I was quite shocked because of course I don’t have any bloody crazy no I don’t do that he said well that’s strange because my uncle that your aunt told me that you did do that I said no and I was shocked because I was dangerous I could get locked up and I told my brother about it and he was shocked as well and he just have a look I mean she’s straight up lying about this so I’ll go and speak to him now my brother was a big short accountant and we were still talking then in the ad the suit and I can push accent because of the boarding school and he went speak to this psychiatrist and thank God the psychiatrist believe him that the truth is that my aunt just completely made that up for no reason and looking back on quite sure and I’ve often learned to try my lifetime why should we do something like that and I realize then it’s just another woman delivery trying to sabotage me and I think well why would she do it and I look at the story and of course my mother bought shame on this family my arm must have been born in like 1910 perhaps and she was born in Belgium in a place that would have been 100% white and you simply don’t marry Asian men in Europe at that time and my mother would send the family doing that and I think really that’s what it was at the cruelty was about because when she used to get drunk and make these braces come in not at me but she’d use this Asian family name and say you know in a way that was really quite derogatory and quite obvious what she meant she spent her life resenting the fact that the family didn’t stay White and of course if it turns out that all of the children are just no good and apparently she was pretty filled when the marriage broke down then she can just prove the look you never should have done that that was the point deep down in a heart she wanted me to do badly she wanted things to fail so that she could be right so she could punish my mother for that kind of marrying a black man and that is sucks but that was that I was back with my own aunt.
But at that point that I’m still coming round and he brought a few of other friends that I knew from school there was Simon Hamilton he walked nearby he works in town in a restaurant there was Jason Pike and we were really really similar and he was kind of living with this guy who was into the occult he died I need the idolized him and we were very similar on that basis and I introduced him to the occult shop and he got his deep into it as me and he actually started writing me stay in the books for finbar but he actually I wrote them for him and he said on the mall for me actually sold them and ended up selling five or six days later books but we just went on and on we both got obsessed with the account and the idea of astral projection but it was mainly me getting obsessed and infecting him with my obsession and occasionally Jason’s back to another friend would come around but it was basically Darren kind of knew everybody and I’d see them every now and again and I just became completely obsessed with the account and this is when they’re diaries then I wrote two diaries about pumpkin rebellion and the third one is just about the occult I was deeply into it and I just wanted to meet this soulmate I wanted to meet a woman from another culture to take me away from this country to be somebody different to escape I wanted to escape into another room with us for projection I don’t want to do that magic and find the love of my life and leave the country and be free how much I was studying your account I’m looking at these beetle videos and seeing John and York me love I came up with your visa account working and it already developed my own method of magical attainment I’ve written by this time two books about the occult I’d rather in a full-size book about capitalistic magic so I fully understood the theory and I made my own system of Magic based on daily practice a monthly lunar rituals and thermostats to do these things and it would last for an exact 7 months to burn the intent not just to find this soulmate but to leave the country to get a degree I made little models showing my intent and I think there were 10 intents getting back and by this time I was into photography I photographed it all and it’s also based around puppets I the voodoo idea of making dolls one of myself or one of the soul mate that I was attracting and I use magic of hurts everyday I was doing middle Piller exercises to charge the magic and the dolls and I was making little seal packs to put them in and it would combinate in weighing down the bag with a marble egg from the account shop that’s been charged daily for 7 months with the energy with a box that made myself just like before with the intent inside the box but also a lot of magical pictures burning the intense into the magic inside of the puppies as burnt physical ash from rituals he was so complex and I was so obsessed and I did it daily and it culminated in going off to London one night after 7 months daily work with two love puppies tied up and stitched together right down by an agony by a marble egg with all the herbs and the intense and the magical spells written down throwing it into the serpentine I’m coming back and then within 3 months and an unexpected refund windfall I teach English this one recourse I got in a plane and I flew off to Bangkok and I stayed out of the country for 11 years and even then I barely ever came back again it worked and since then I’ve got two university degrees I’ve got a whole lot of money I’ve had so many of us that I am not able to say how many it would be because people would turn against me I’ve been to more than nearly 70 different countries I’ve worked as a teacher in a cinema and I found my soulmate and I lost that I developed a full magic system and he’s let me to awaken him and here I am now driving not driving writing my story
He does two books that I wrote we’re about punk and rebellion and came from a sabotaging identity that my sister had created for me but very quickly the real me came out and the real me was the magical me he was the voice sitting on that bench in the freezing cold English weather looking around waiting for soulmate I know I’m sitting in the tropics on the other side of the world a lifetime later it’s an old man but I’m still that boy sitting there that was the real me I don’t want my soul right now I found her and I lost her and made so many people and lift the full life but I’m still the same boy sitting looking at the water with a heart beating Magic that is who I am and who I’m sharing now.