Self Improvement Diary 1992 - Writing my Lifestory

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SELF IMPROVE MENT

COMMENCED. 10th APRIL 1991 9:04 pm.

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HISTORY

At present I find myself at in a trapped position in life, completely unable to escape. I read that to varying degrees that this is a common problem so I’m keeping this book so that, in successfull, others may benefit from my book. I may write a book to help masses, or possibly just leave this book that it may, by chance, be found by someone in need of assistance. You may think someone like this could be helped by the medical profeesion, but the very nature of the condition prevents this, also I’m not that sure that they understand that much anyway. If I keep a diary of all syntoms and results, then others may follow me. To my knowledge, this is the first diary of it’s type ever kept. I hope that it will help just one person, if so it’s been successfull. To give you the background and nature to the problem, I’ll write a history of my life up to now.

I was born at around 6am on 6th May 1971 in Northampton. My father owned a leather workshop and was an Asian from Kenyan Africa. He’d come to this country from Africa during the 50’s after the independance (I think). My mother was a Belgium who came to this country to escape Hitler’s occupation of the 2nd World War. They met in the 60’s in a swimming pool and had their first child in ’61 who is my eldest sister. In ’63 they had my brother, then in 71 they had me. By the way, mother was an art teacher. It was a very strange childhood from the beginning. The mixture of 4 cultures left a confused aura over the method of parenting. In my memory of those earliest years, my parent’s don’t paticually feature very much. Mother was a pre-occupied, self-centered and cold woman. Father was a thoughtful, distant man. I can’t really remember much of either of them, and certainly not with any particular warmth or feeling.

Anyway, time went on and I went to nursery at Boothville. I can remember great big plastic shapes made of plastic which we’d all have fun jumping over. Also a sand filled washing up bottle which we’d draw coloured sand paintings on coloured paper. I was a fairly inward child and didn’t make friends readily. I mainly just stuck to myself and was quiet. There was a woman I used to go and see down the road who had another child friend. I remember that she died of a rare heart disease. I didn’t really understand at the time. But I remember going to her house and playing under the bed with a little girl and one day this woman (Rita) came round crying because she’d died. I didn’t think at the time, but I think later I became thoughtful about it. There was prayers in the school for it. I remember a really hot summers in 76′ 77′ it was the silver jubilee and there was a massive playing field which was fun. I used to go round with a boy called Harvey who everybody thought was my brother. There was football in the playground and army in the field. The christmases seem really big, moody and atmospheric, but I suppose everybody’s christmases do when they look back. When I left in ’79. I had few friends and was unpopular with the teachers. I was always a low acheiver and had no ambition to join in. I think overall I was a fairly average, but unhappy boy. Where I lived at the time I had quite a few friends and went out a fair bit, but was fairly unsocial. It was about this time my parents got divorced. We’d been out somewhere and I was whinging about something. Mum said shut up because we’ll be moving soon. No mention why so I assumed we were all going. Yvonney (my sister) had left home and had a child and I was still close to her. Geoff (brother) was at boarding school. It turned out that they were divorcing because mum was haveing an affair

with a man called Brian. Mum, me + Geoff + Bri and all went to live together in a new house. I don’t think anybody told me why, and for some reason it never crossed my mind to question it. Mum + Bri bought a car and we all lived together. Brian turned out to be a heavy drinker and also an adamant racist, which didn’t help matters. Soon mother was drinking heavily aswell. There were many rows in the house and things got from bad to worse. I went to Boothville middle school. I didn’t paticually like it, actually I hated it. I don’t think there’s any particular memory I can think of accept hating it. I got sup suspended for leaving the premises at dinner time. Things were not good at home so I went to live with an aunt who was evil. The main problem was she was a dominating woman. She’d deliberately married a quiet passive man and then she would get me. She didn’t really allow me to do anything except play. She got Geoff went to live there too. I left the middle school and apprehensively went to the upper school. It turned out to be every bit as awful as I’d feared. There were a few light moments. I got 2 valentines from 2 girls called Annabel and Julia. They were always wooing me out but I always said “no”. I still see Annabel sometimes, she works in the travel agents at W.H. Smith. When I got the valentines Ann chucked them away, she hated the thought. I also asked another chinese girl out called ?chair but she said no. Before I went Ann did her best to put me off it. There was a girl I did go out with called Tania and we used to drink cider and get drunk in mum’s garage funnily enough, Ann didn’t like her either. There was a Tina who I later met and gave me her purse! Some things and times I remember are quite nice, but on the whole, I absolutely hated it. One day I was going home to lunch and there

was a fight. Somehow I got involved and ended up losing rather badly. The result was I got beaten and shook up, but I suppose if you believe such a thing. At around the same time as this there were various vendettas going on. Sometimes I was in the right crowd and got by. Others I lost. I was in one bad fight that was mainly a racist attack, but this left me deeply affected I think it was this that started a slow downfall. To start with I used to not want to go so I had to go and see a “special” teacher (copper) who told me that I should go to her class instead of usual ones. She had a classroom up the top of some stairs, all on it’s own. I used to go there everyday and just sit on some comfey chairs and read novels. Even life as simple as this has it’s troubles. There was one girl who was there also because of “behavioural problems” (all the others were mental defects). Tina Tattenham used to get me in loads of trouble and was doing a constant pull between trying to be good so that I didn’t have to face to the violence of normal lessons and trying to have a laugh with the one person with an I.Q. above her age. Around or just before this time there was another girl (Tania Hawksworth) who used to come to my house and we’d get drunk on cider in mum’s garage. One week I spent 7 days there to escape from the life I was living and no-one even noticed or repremanded me for it. This may seem strange, but since I was about 12 and mum had bought the pub, both my supposed parents slept in the pub and mother would just leave me money once a week and they’d both just come back occasionally for a bath. For all of my teenage years I was virtually alone. For some of this time I used to go up my aunt’s to a shop she owned (a newsagent), but I’ll ?leave in to her later. I hung round occasionally with weirdos + people. I spent a long time with a boy

I completely understand your concern. The cutoff was due to a strict character-limit timeout on the output length, but I have consolidated the entire transcription for all five of those images (pages 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10) into this single, continuous response so you have it in one seamless block.

I have double-checked the images and can confirm all five are fully transcribed here:

called Alistair Makenzie. I got drunk with him outside school.

One day in a french class I met Darren Tierney who I know to this day. Slowly learnt to my cost that he’s a mindless, feelingless theif.

Time passed on and school came to an end. By the time this happened I’d lost my confidence so much that I didn’t even dare go and say goodbye to the friends that I did have.

There was an Education officer that had come round bothering me so I went for a job on the day school finished. Ann got me drunk and pumped me full of valium so I could attend the interview, I didn’t get it! (It was at Mac-Donalds of all places). With the school off my back there was no need to go out so I didn’t. When I had had to go to school I had stayed up all night dreading it and I consequently slept in the day. Another habit I retain to this day.

I used to stay in and mum, relaxing I wasn’t buying food, would bring take-aways instead of money. I was almost 17 years old and in my middle school that had found me an interest that probably saved me from total insanity.

I’d been staying with Ann and we’d had a row because all my friends went out and I was never allowed, even to cross the road! One day I just went out anyway. I was walking down the road and ?went in a shop by chance. It was an occult shop. I went in and was spell bound by the array of books, insence, ritual equiptment and tapes. I couldn’t stop myself buying some Tarot cards, silk and a book. I must have looked very strange to the owner, who I later learnt to be John Lovette, a mere 12 year old going in and buying that, but I did. I also subscribed to various occult magerzines and at that young age started a fervent study of the occult. Right from

those early times to the present day, the occult has shown me a way forward and provided meaning where there was none. It’s been something special for me alone because no-one understands the way it works or the concept me. During those dark years in my bedroom when I didn’t even dare open the curtains, the occult was always there and not once did it not give me some hope. It’s been very strange because it’s like a path that never ends. As soon as you finish one piece of knowledge / system of magique and think you understand it a new varient suddenly opens up, meaning you’re obledged to carry on forever.

I forgot to say that about the time I was losing confidence I lived with my aunt for a while and her husband died slowly of cancer. I had a lot of time off. Actually I think it started through an operation. I got a piece of polystyrene stuck in my ear and had to go to hospital for a day to get it removed in an operation. From then on I didn’t bother going back to school.

Anyway, I was at home studying the occult and I also wrote a couple of novels that never got anywhere. At 14 the first was a story about devil worshipps called the sect. The second was scattered cards, where 2 astral projectors who go back in the wrong body. The idea became a hit afterwards, but not by me!

For a time I stayed like this, then I got a job in a lampshade factory, shrinkwrapping lamps ready for the shops. Sadly though I didn’t really get in with anybody when I was there and there was one boy in particular who I fought with and I had to leave after I received campaign of silence ?geared to me. After about four months I left. I had a headset at the time and anyone used to play music really loud and I couldn’t settle. There was one black man I liked called Oscar! but I never really got on with the rest. I had a house warming party and one of my guests was sick everywhere so I got chucked out. I went back to live with my aunt.

Mrs Franklin.
This is my aunt and she’s greatly contributed to my problems. As I understand she was brought up by a very stern woman and the result was her growing up as an obssessive character. She deliberately married a feminine man so that she could dominate him and I’m fairly sure that she suffers from a sexual repression. She was also unable to have children which left her bitter, but probably explains why she’s ?ended up keeping cats in her ?mums. The main problem living with her when she was working was that she was cold and hated any display of independance from me. She over fed me on chocolate and encouraged me to smoke to make me dependant on her. She also encouraged my lack of confidence to further this aim. Whenever I had any hope or shortcoming she gleefully pointed it out and mocked me. The worst thing was she was against the occult, which is the only thing I derive pleasure from. She’s basically brought me up to be totally dependant on her and to completely dominate me. She’s the most evil woman a person could imagine.

A recent example of her ways is when she had a row. She buys me 1 bottle of coke a day, 20 cigarettes + food. She laughed and told me she wouldn’t buy anymore. Once when I tried to give up smoking she deliberately kept getting the ashtray out the bin to remind me. Now she makes me smoke outside. Since I was 14 she’s encouraged me to smoke in the house. Now I’m absolutley hooked, every hour I have to stand out in the cold, ?middle of night, smoking. She puts out the dogs bed to let the dog lie on it, but when the dog goes in I have to sit on the concrete. I can’t even use the dog bed when he’s not using it! mind you, she’s often pointed out that the dog got more rights

in the house than I have. I think the majority of the problem comes down to her.

I think a pschycolagist would class me as having suffered from a nervous breakdown. During all the the ?time since around 15, due to circumstances from ann and neglect from mum, I’ve suffered mental problems. When I used to be on my own, day in day out, I began to day dream. Because apart from the occult there was nothing else to do. After a while I began not just to day dream, but to visulize people in the room that wern’t there with me. People I once knew, people off T.V. and I interacted with them in my mind. I withdrew from life into a complete fantasy world. I can control it mostly when I go out, but at home I do it all the time. Often I make odd ?gestures to people that aren’t there and people notice. I realize I’ve gone mad. I intend to do something about this, but what I’m not sure.

About a year and a half ago I met Jason Pike. He was badly beaten by his parents and is very similar to me. After meeting me he became interested in the occult through me. I suppose he’s my only friend now but I don’t really feel close to him. I don’t really feel close to anyone. He’s very two faced. Whenever we fall out he always insults me in a round about way, only insinuating what he wants to say. He’s the biggest dreamer I’ve ever met and he used to think he was the second coming (that’s true, I swear). He basically tries to pretend he’s really nice, but deep down he’s not. Still, someone’s better than no-one, for the present.

I’ve fell out with my brother that also lives here and funnily enough, is sitting next to me now. His girlfriend kept breaking things and insinuating they were

me. Now we only say what needs to be said.

The Present
Right now life’s not good. I live in Ann’s house with Geoff and her. I don’t speak much to either of them and feel nothing for them. I’m completely at Ann’s mercy with my addictions and have extremely little confidence. I have no job and am to nervous to get one. I’m paranoid about illness, crime and rape, that it almost not life. I keep thinking back to school and beyond and I can’t even find anything to be nostalgic about. Sometimes I see people I know at school but I look away if they try to speak to me. Ann still overfeeds me and keeps me house-bound, but I won’t go on like this. It’s get out or die. I’m writing this book as my record my scrape out of the pit, for if I can’t get out and into life, then I have no wish to continue living. It’s not nice to say, but if I can’t manage to get away from her then I’ll commit suicide (which I already have a failed attempt behind me).

The Quest.
I suppose there are alot of things I have to accomplish and I don’t know if I can do it. Suppose the first is to go out and meet people. I find myself very self-concious and unwilling to approach them. Often I don’t even like going out. I Quite like wondering round the shops, but down-town and that’s bad. I basically have to learn to live from scratch. I think I’ll try to forget and slowly acheive more and more. the result, I suppose, is to be happy.

BOOKS

Handwriting Note:

The phonetic and habitual spellings remain very consistent here (e.g., “theif”, “magerzines”, “obledged”, “equiptment”, “insence”, “visulize”, “pschycolagist”, “alot”, “self-concious”, “acheive”). The author also consistently uses “to” instead of “too” (e.g., “am to nervous to get one”). The “S” rule continues to work well (words like “shrinkwrapping”, “school”, and “sealed” read correctly as lowercase), though I noted an instance where the author used a mid-sentence capital “Q” (“I Quite like wondering…”). The struck-through text rule was successfully applied for Mrs Franklin, The Present, record, The Quest, and BOOKS.

The only things that have ever stirred me deeply or influenced me was and is the array of occult books that I’ve been slowly collecting since I was 12. Because they’ve been the only positive influence in my character and are the reason I’m still alive, I’ll list them here, in no particular order. This is the collection today. 16th April 1991 Aged 19.

1/ The Golden dawn – Israel Regardie Israel Regardie.

2/ The Complete Magic of the Golden Dawn – Israel Regardie.

3/ Encyclopedia of Mythology.

4/ Encyclopedia of myths and legends.

5/ Old Moores guide to Astrology.

6/ Optima Dream Dictionary

7/ Assert yourself.

8/ The Active circle of Destiny

9/ The living Kabbalah.

10/ Magick, in theory and practice.

11/ The witches handbook 1981.

12/ Martial Arts.

13/ Modern Magick, eleven lessons in High magical art

14/ Magic, an occult primer.

15/ The winged Bull.

16/ The practice of Magical Evocation.

17/ Perfect timing.

18/ Sacred Magick of Abra-melin the mage.

19/ Goetia

20/ The Aquarian book of Fortune telling

21/ A century of spells.

22/ The Golden Dawn.

23/ The art and practice of talisman Magick.

24/ visulization

25/ ?The master M Way

26/ Pyramid power

27/ Demon lover

28/ I Ching

29/ Art and practice of the occult

30/ Coming into the light

31/ Practical Segil Magick

32/ Enochian Magick

33/ Astral projection

34/ ?The Good Tarot guide.

35/ Phycology made simple.

36/ Practical Magick.

37/ overcoming depression.

38/ Kung fu.

39/ The gypsy dreambook.

40/ Yoga.

41/ Divination and prophecy.

42/ fasting.

43/ Nostradamus.

44/ The celtic Tradition.

45/ Hindu mudras.

46/ I ching (again).

47/ The serpent in the rainbow.

48/ The art and practice of talisman Magick.

49/ The art and practice of Astral projection.

50/ ?Breathing alone.

51/ Ancient Mysteries of Brittain.

52/ The art and practice of creative visulization.

53/ How to read a person like a book

54/ chinese self healing.

55/ Manual of occultism.

56/ Methods of psychic development.

57/ t’ai chi.

58/ The aura perceptions

59/ The modern Tarot.

60/ Path through the labrynth

61/ Buddhism books.

62/ Mystical Kabbalah.

63/ Dream Reality.

64/ How to read faces.

65/ The cosmic Doctrine.

66/ Inner traditions of Magick.

67/ Ritual

68/ Hell born

69/ Night and day.

70/ The astrologers handbook

71/ Power of the runes

72/ Heaven knows what.

73/ Magickal Tales.

74/ The mystic life of Merlin.

75/ Practical spell Magick.

76/ How to meditate.

77/ The way of the Shaman.

78/ The book of the law.

79/ Dreamers dictionary.

80/ The art and practice of cabbalah magick.

81/ Emphasis

82/ Ceromonial Magick.

83/ An advanced guide to evokation Magick.

84/ Dowsing

85/ lucid dream in 30 days

86/ O.B.E’s in 30 days

87/ The golden dawn companion

88/ The power of gems and crystals.

89/ ?Awakening of the magus

90/ Astral Travel.

91/ Ritual papyrus, Ritual magick and alchemy.

92/ ?A dictionary of demonology

93/ Practical time travel.

94/ The necronomicon workbook.

95/ The opening of the third eye.

1/ 96/ Enochian Magick.

2/ 97/ Apprentise to Magick.

3/ 98/ Mystic Magick.

4/ 99/ Predicting your future.

5/ 100/ Kabbalah.

6/ 101/ Palmistry.

7/ 102/ The astral projection workbook.

8/ 103/ Magick.

9/ 104/ The I ching workbook.

10/ 105/ The ritual magick workbook.

11/ 106/ Advanced magical Arts.

12/ 107/ Yoga (sivananda)

13/ 108/ The study and practice of Astral projection.

14/ 109/ Planetary Magick.

15/ 110/ it.

16/ 111/ Tarot spreads strategy.

17/ 112/ The middle piller

18/ 113/ The occult sciences

19/ 114/ Confidence.

20/ 115/ Sepher Yetzirah

21/ 116/ The book of formation

22/ 117/ 6th + 7th book of Moses

23/ 118/ The greater key of solomon

24/ 119/ The shining paths.

25/ 120/ Art and practice of clairvoyance.

26/ 121/ The aura.

27/ 123/ The one year manual.

28/ 124/ Clairvoyance.

29/ 125/ Creative Visulization.

30/ 127/ Fruits of the tree of life.

31/ 128/ Autohypnosis.

32/ 129/ The power of hypnosis

33/ 130/ Crystal gazing

34/ 131/ Development of physic powers.

35/ 132/ Tarotmancy.

36/ 133/ ?The Tarot card meditations.

134/ Kabbalah (again).

135/ The art and practice of creative visulization

136/ Meditation

137/ The kabbalah of Aliester crowley.

138/ Talismanic Magick

139/ Practical egyptian Magick.

140/ Practical celtik Magick

141/ Golden Dawn Enochian Magick.

142/ Initiation into hermetics.

143/ Astral projection (again).

144/ Magical Rites and ceremonies.

145/ The buddhist handbook.

146/ Discovering Japan

147/ The complete golden Dawn system of Magick.

148/ The buddhist tea ceremony.

149/ The fortune telling by Mah jong.

150/ Drawn from the equinox.

151/ Qabbalism.

152/ Magic mirrors.

153/ ceremonial Magick

154/ Divination by magick.

155/ The viking Gods.

156/ The necronomicon spellbook.

157/ The book of thoth.

158/ Magical Art.

159/ Wicca.

160/ Book of fortune

161/ The dreamers workbook.

162/ The runes workbook.

163/ The numerology workbook.

164/ Discovering your future.

165/ Cast it for luck

166/ Golden Dawn.

167/ Secret rituals of the Golden Dawn.

168/ Crystal magic.

169/ Clairvoyance and occult powers

170/ Charisma

171/ The western way vol 1

172/ Journeys out the body.

173/ Zodiac.

174/ Practical celtic Magick

175/ Hot numbers

178/ Subtle body.

179/ Astral projection (again)

180/ The brain machine

181/ Tai kwon do.

182/ Tao.

183/ Encyclopedia of dreams.

184/ Dream and destiny.

185/ Explore the future.

1/ 186/ The I ching and it’s classic.

2/ 187/ The graphology workbook.

3/ 188/ The re-incarnation workbook.

4/ 189/ Tarot / numerology

5/ 190/ The numerology workbook.

6/ 191/ The Astrology workbook.

7/ 192/ Witchcraft.

8/ 193/ The reality of the paranormal

9/ 194/ The complete Astrologer.

10/ 195/ Horrary astrology.

11/ 196/ The heretics

12/ 197/ Time travel.

13/ 198/ Lucid Dreaming.

14/ 199/ The tarot.

15/ 200/ Various equiptment and 7 packs of tarot cards ect

You may think it’s a bit strange, to list all my books but not going out and hardly ever watching T.V. they’ve influenced me more than anything else. I’ve read a few more than this that I’ve either lost or lent out but here is the most one’s I have had. I’ve read and absorbed every one. Even learning some by heart I’ve written three books now, only recently completing the last, but I’ve yet to make it and unfortunately nothing came of the others.

I suppose, in the main, that’s it up to now. Here I live with Ann + Geoff. Un-sociable, unconfident, without friends and without everything. I look back to things I’ve had but there hasn’t been that many. The main reason for this book is that I’ve lost so much confidence I darden’t even go out sometimes, I’ll literally trapped here. I wish to go to shops ect. but I darden’t

I worry too much ect. In this book I’ll set goals and hopefully grow until I can do anything. At this very moment I am frightened, but positive so I’ll go ahead and write down what things I do and what happens when I try. Also techniques to help. In this book I’ll only write about my confidence, I have another book for my acheivements. First, I’ll write down some assertiveness techniques.

Problems of unassertivness are with most people.

Unable to express negative feelings.

Refuse invitations and requests.

Express personal opinion.

Express justified Anger.

Rights must be recorded.

To Communicate well –

Speak clearly. Listen well

Open up conversations

Disclose own feelings with ease

be aware of body language.

ASSERTIVE SKILLS.

BROKEN RECORD.

Not taking NO for an answer. Being able to speak out and over again in a relaxed manner what you want or need until the other person caves in or agrees to a compromise or negotiate.

Can be used;

Dealing with situations where your rights can be blatently abused.

Dealing with situations where you are likely to be put off with clever, but or illogical responses.

Dealing with situations where you may lose confidence by being put down or digs.

Once learn and prepared you can relax. You know exactly what to say no matter what the other person comes up to with.

It’s a self-protective skill.

Example

Someone rings and you don’t want to go out with them, it’s your only free day and you have to get something done.

Learn T.I.D.E.

Possible response to ?past justifiable anger

Negotiation.

Key points

Empathise

really feel how it looks for the person eg I know how important this is to you /x then show any feelings , be aware of it

Clarification

Make sure you understand their position, reasoning and needs.

Keep calm

be relaxed by taking a few long, deep breaths.

Be prepared

Get all facts and figures that will support your case before hand.

Keep to the point

Don’t get sidetracked. Also don’t go for red herrings use broken record to bring subject back into view

Offer a compromise

Don’t be stubborn and wait for them to give in.

Coping with put downs.

Putdowns are often wrapped as nice or a joke!

Nagging

Haven’t you finished yet? (your useless).

Me, when did you want it done.

Lecturing

We should co-operate for bussiness (‘look, you’re wrong).

Q, How should we co-operate.

Choice

Are you busy.

What do you want to do.

Phycologist

But you’re so shy.

In what way do you think I’m shy.

Let other’s know you recognize a hidden message.

Put a quick stop to it.

Remember to ask for constructive criticism.

Coping with Criticism.

People will often say they don’t know what they’re doing wrong.

Also take unfair criticism to heart.

Know own faults and accept them.

When giving criticism, be specific

X you’re no damn good.

O I don’t think all colours suit you.

Keep calm

Relax and Breath

Keep to the point

use broken record if necessary.

Focus on Behaviour

Don’t go for the whole person, merely one aspect of behaviour

X You are the most untidy person I know.

O You always leave the bathroom in a mess.

Don’t stereotype.

Above will take practice, don’t worry if don’t recall all at once.

If criticism is justified, accept it.

Most people criticize because they can’t accept that fault in themselves.

Fogging.

This is a put down designed to make you do something you don’t want to. eg. Youre always late, what time is it ect. ect. really means youre late, I want you feeling so guilty you’ll do lots of overtime.

Admit theres some specific truth, eg. Yes! I am late this morning. It is possible I am not so committed + maybe as I might be.

eg. you leave a mess, the house is dirty ect.

Reply, sure youre prob. right. Today I don’t look my best.

By accepting bits of whats said you are refusing to accept whats behind and not giving upset, which is what the person wants. They are then less likely to try again.

Negative Enquiry.

eg. Didn’t that be hard because you’re shy.

Response prompt positive criticism. In what way do you think I’m shy.

Their response will be either good or bad. If good they will be specific about how you are

shy, if bad they will continue to put you down and not be specific.

Always use script. GETTING PREPARED.

[Diagram: The words FISH, EEL, NEED, CONFIDENCE written vertically in four parallel columns]

Explinition.

I would like you to play less music because it keeps me awake.

I know how much you like music.

Needs

If you could turn it down

Consequences.

I’d be very grateful.

PRACTICAL WORK

1/ When practicing all the things you will do when more assertive.

2/ Be aware + watch body language. esp. when you are nervous.

3/ Try to guess the complement + deny.

4/ While watching a conversation on T.V. Answer back and see how your answer corresponds to the real one.

5/ Ask for two minutes on a subject and try to speak with free ?flow (with a tape player).

6/ Practice broken record. Make sure you select it well. FISH, Plan + go for it. rehearse it a few times FISH.

7/ Try the same as 6) surround Negotiation or excuse.

8/ If you handle a put-down badly, think of an assertive response and use it next time.

9/ Criticise someone.

10/ Think of putdown used on you and think of best responses.

Date: Sunday 19th May 1991.

Confidence still be same with a few exceptions.

At the bank I was very calm + relaxed even though I had a dispute

with the cashier.

I joked on the Market with a stall holder.

I had a long telephone conversation with someone from the post office.

I think for the first goal I’ll try and master the telephone. Whenever it rings I’ll Answer it and also I’ll make calls where to appropriate, using the exageration technique if nerves crop up. I write results when I have some.

Date: Wednesday 5th June 1991.

I’m writing this entry at Jason’s house at about 2’O’ clock. The man he lives with (Emmanuel) has had to go into hospital so I’ve come here to stay for ten days. I got packed yesterday and told Ann I was leaving just before I went. Walking along at night feeling very vulnerable with a massive rucksack strapped on my back and everytime I saw a gang of youths I quickly scuttled off down a backstreet to avoid them. I finally got to Jason’s after being completely terrified and his brother, Steve, was here. He’s only just come out of prison where Jason tells me he spent most of his time in solitary for beating up asians. He left as soon as I arrived and

I settled in. I was shaking all over like a leaf and did’nt know where to turn. I’d brought up my birthday presents and I opened them. Then Jason went to his bedroom and left me alone in the lounge. I kept on deep breathing to try and calm myself down and it worked to some extent. Jason came back and I had a half cigarette and went to bed. Before I came here me and Jason decided to go to kettering to the amusement Park there. I suppose I was quite looking forward to it but Jason told me that he’s invited his brother and his brother’s girlfriend there. That’s all I need. They’re both coming to a barbecue tonight so I’ll go up to Ann’s for a while and come back later We’re supposed to be going to Kettering on friday and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I visualized last night that they never came and it poured with rain. I may apply for a job somewhere tommorrow and then I could be working on that day. There’s a photographic store downtown that I saw that’s advertising for people full or part time so I may get a shout from Ann’s and try there. I’ll have to see what I feel like. If not there I could try somewhere else and perhaps when I walk up to Ann’s I’ll buy an Echo and see if there’s anything in it. If the photography one’s gone or not suitable I don’t know whereelse I can work but I’ll have to do something and it’s either tommorrow or I’ll have to go

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to wicksteed. I would really like to find a place where there’s a black person working there so that I won’t be either discriminated against or hassled if I do get the job. I am completely and utterly desperate and don’t know what to do at all. I’ll consult the I-Ching when I get to Ann’s house.

Date: Thursday 6th June 1991.

I went to Ann’s last night. When I arrived she was in bed and had left the key in the door. I rang the bell and woke her up. Then I had some cigarette outside. I went upstairs and curled up under my bed clothes. I lie there for 3 1/2 hours, much of the time close to tears. I fell asleep for about half-an-hour. Before I fell asleep I decided to tell Jason I was coming home and not going tommorrow, anyway, I fell asleep for half an hour. When I woke up I couldn’t remember my dream, but I had an absolutely powerful feeling that I should stay tommorrow and the rest of the day. I got home to Jason’s and his brother and sister had already left. I went to bed still visualizing about the rain

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and then two not coming. I woke up this morning and cleaned up ect. and I felt absolutely and completely depressed. I meditated ect. but felt completely awful. Me & Jason went to town and I perked up again then. We went to B.H.S for tea and that and it was O.K. We carried on down to see Nanny in hospital and that was quite bad. We went in and brought peppermints and Jason went to sit down but I asked if I could sit there. He got a chair from elsewhere. They sat and I stared out the window. I felt as if everybody was watching me from behind. After a while I turned and looked. There was one man looking at me from the side, but no-where else. We got to the bus station and it was packed, but not too bad on the bus. Now we’re home and I’m writing this. I’ve been using deep breathing to help and also I think it helps to look round if I think somebody’s looking at me. I still scared about tommorrow, but not as much as before. I’m hoping VERY much it will pour and they won’t be able to come. I’ve got some of Ann’s Valium that I stole from ages

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ago and I’ll take one before I leave & one for there incase it’s terrible. As I say, I’m still very scared but we’ll see how it goe’s. Perhaps I’ll take a book with me and just read if they ignore me.

Date: Friday 7th June 1991.

I’ve been and I’ve been back about an hour now. I’ll start what happened from the beginning. I woke up at six and was hoping that Jason would oversleep. He did’nt and at 7’O’ clock he ruthlessly knocked on my door and got me up. I got up and made my bed and had a few cups of tea and then we got ready, deciding to leave at 8:30 am and walk up. Before we left I took one of the really old Valium and off we went. When we were about halfway there I suddenly felt dizzy. It got worse and I told Jason I might not go. He talked me into it and we got to his brother’s house. We went in and his bedroom was first on the left. He (steven) gave me a cigarette and

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we left. We all walked downtown, Jason shouting mostly about how I’d taken valium infront of everybody. As we were walking into town the bus came and we all got on for £3.10 return. We went upstairs. Steven and Carol sat next to each other and me and Jason separately behind them. The bus went and I stared out of the window. It wasn’t really very nice. After 45 minutes the bus arrived and we all got off. We had to walk along way and those three walked up infront and I lagged behind. I must say his brother did look to me when he was talking sometimes but his girlfriend did’nt say a word. We finally got there and it was raining. Everybody bought a band but I bought 16 tickets. We carried on and I did’nt go on anything for a while. There were lots of Asian people there and I heard a few racist comments, but only when I wasn’t

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there. We went to have tea, but everything was very expencive. I went on some cars, paddle boats, a space simulater and it was O.K at the arcade where I did win some fair money, (but ofcourse, put most of it back in). The others went back down to the cars and I had no tickets left. I went in the café and I was the only person in there. This was the best part. I could sit and contemplate alone AND I’d done so much that day that was the least of my troubles. I went toilat and there was a woman in there! Then I met the others and we went. We came home and that’s the end. I can’t say that I’ve enjoyed the day but it has increased my confidence. I might go to the doctors to get some tranquilisers legally, that is if he’ll give me them. I’ve got something wrong with my hand anyway so I could go about that and then try to exchange the valium for something modern. I’d say to the doctor that I haven’t worked for a year or more and I want

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to start but I get nervous and the shakes and I could tell him about how I felt when I came here. Ofcourse I’d take a half valium before I got there. I sign next monday so I could go dentists to get me used to it a week on monday and then the doctors on tuesday. If I ask for about eleven both times I should be able to get in O.K. I might buy some clothes on monday and claim the money back from Ann, if she will. I’ll have to see how I feel. I think if I go to the doctors with a pad with the problem on it will help me get it out. Still as I say, we’ll see.

Date: Monday 10th June 1991.

I’ve made an appointment to see the doctor a week tommorrow and the dentist a week later. I shall ask them for tranquilisers.

I went out with Jason

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and as usual he was as patronising as usual.

I’m going home on thursday but going with Jason to the dentist (for him) later in the day. On friday I shall go out and buy all new clothes like trousers, shirt, tie, posh coat ect. and then I shall walk round like a lord infront of Jason and see how he likes that! Still, I am quite nervous about getting it, but I’m visualizing now and I’ll have a good go on the day. Hopefully Ann will pay for it all when I come back.

It’s a shame about this handwriting but I’m writing this on my bed in Jason’s house.

By the time I go bed tonight I will only have had ten ciggerette and tommorrow I shall have two at B.H.S,

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and one in the evening. I hope on wednesday I will have given up completely.

Date: Wednesday 19th June 1991.

I’m home again now. I’ve been making the effort to go out every day and I much prefer it on my own than with Jason.

I went to the doctor and he gave me 100 5mg diazapam, which are the modern equivalent of valium, but half as strong as I had before.

I still want to look for a job.

Handwriting Note:

The phonetic habits are clear here in words like “visulization”, “phycology”, “Ceromonial”, “evokation”, “equiptment”, and the unique dialect spelling “darden’t” (for daren’t/dare not). Punctuation and numbering mistakes were preserved exactly as written, including the jump from 175 directly to 178 on page 15, and skipping items 122 and 126 in the dual-numbering system on page 13. The “S” rule handled flourished starts perfectly (such as treating “strange” and “shops” as lowercase mid-sentence). The open-top “4”s were also entirely legible and correctly transcribed

Note as requested: The file after this to upload will be file 17.

Handwriting Note:

The “S” rule worked perfectly here; the author clearly uses a highly flourished ‘s’ for words like “successfull”, “swimming”, “silver”, and “suspended”, which read naturally as lowercase in context. The phonetic and habitual misspellings are prevalent, including “syntoms”, “profeesion”, “paticually”, “independance”, “acheiver”, “haveing”, “aswell”, “comfey”, and using “accept” for “except”. Additionally, page 3 was not present in this batch, so the text skips straight from page 2 to page 4 as numbered at the bottom of the sheets.

Handwriting Note:

The phonetic habits and misspellings continue to be distinct, including “unassertivness”, “acheivements”, “blatently”, “bussiness”, “phycologist” (for psychologist), “Explinition”, “exageration”, and using “Breath” for “breathe”. Apostrophe rules are notably erratic, such as “other’s” (as a plural), “2’O’ clock”, and the omission of apostrophes in “theres” and “whats”. The “S” rule worked consistently (e.g., treating words like “situations”, “specific”, “script”, “stall”, and “solitary” as lowercase mid-sentence). Additionally, capitalization mid-sentence for emphasis remains present, such as “Answer” and “Anger”, which have been transcribed literally. The layout rule was applied successfully to the vertical text “FISH EEL NEED CONFIDENCE” on page 19, which is represented as a diagram bracket per your instructions to maintain standard paragraphing elsewhere.

Handwriting Note:

Compound/Run-on Spellings: The author has a strong tendency to fuse words together phonetically, notably “infront”, “whereelse”, and “along way” (meaning ‘a long way’).

Grammar/Syntax Anomalies: Continues to display consistent erratic apostrophe usage (e.g., “goe’s”, “did’nt”, “7’O’ clock”). Certain words are grammatically skipped over (“I still scared”) or substituted (writing “brought” instead of “bought” peppermints), which have been transcribed verbatim.

Punctuation Supplying: Added a full stop on page 22 (half-an-hour. Before) and page 23 (to come. I’ve got) where new, capitalized independent thoughts clearly began without terminal punctuation.

Handwriting Note:

Page-to-Page Run-on: Notice how page 26 starts with “there.” inserted at the very top. This is the completion of the final sentence from page 25 (“but only when I wasn’t / there.”).

Phonetic Spelling Continues: The author’s unique phonetic vocabulary shows up strongly in these final entries: “expencive” (expensive), “simulater” (simulator), “toilat” (toilet), “ofcourse” (of course), “infront” (in front), and “ciggerette” (cigarette/cigarettes—used here as a singular form for a plural count). Drug names are also spelled phonetically (“diazapam”).

Missing Words / Prepositions: Similar to earlier entries, small grammatical bridges are occasionally skipped entirely in the flow of writing, such as on page 28 (“By the time I go bed tonight”).