[This is a transcript of a screencast video of me reading part of the diary. Some parts were omitted where they involved copying from other books]
Okay, this is the third diary that I kept. The first two were about kind of rebelling and not fitting in, and were largely influenced by my sister, but this one I quickly was becoming interested in the occult and magick, something that would actually be a lifelong study. So I’ll just jump back to here, where it sees, it starts 16th of February 1989 and finishes the 13th of September 1990. So I was a teenager when I started it and I’ve kept at this diary writing ever since.
So a few years after this, three years after studying magick and developing my own magical system, I ended up doing a large occult operation and in 1993 I left [the UK], and I lived in the tropics all of my life, and now I’m writing up my magical method and my memoir, and let’s get into it.
So the front inside cover… remember, I was a teenager so it’s a bit ‘teenagery’, but I’ve got a quote: He who knows does not speak, he who speaks does not know, close the mouth, shut the door of desire, blunt the sharpness, untie the tangles, soften the light, become one with the dusty world. That’s from the Tao Te Ching. Top left is my family crest that used to be on my Aunt’s wall, then there’s a medical cadeus, [and the quote] from the ashes the Phoenix will rise, which is actually I think quite a well-known Nazi quote, maybe I didn’t know that at the time [Laughing].
Friday the 16th of February 1989
mood is okay, vividness 1.5
[Note: So I was writing down how I felt, I think I was pretty depressed and struggling, and was using my spiritual training to try and improve my mental health at the time. Vividness is to do with the dream, so when it says vividness the next sentence will be a dream. Each entry when I had a dream and was reporting it, I was noting the mood, as I recall it was the mood of the dream, how happy it was, but also it could have been generally for the day; I don’t recall. I remember being largely unhappy at that time.]
I looked out my bedroom window and saw a UFO.
Interpretation: mystic, ND, work, the individual search for in light and illumination, def OB equals 1. [So that’s to do with just interpreting the dream. I don’t always remember what I was talking about, but OB I think that means out of body, so I was astrally projecting a lot and getting a lot of these lucid dream experiences at the time.]
Saturday 17th of February 1989
mood okayish 4.3, vividness 5.6
I looked in the bathroom mirror and had acne and spots.
There was an alien on another planet. It was badly in need of a new ruler, so I ran in an election campaign.
One of the arguments was telegraph poles that all fell down and needed putting up, so I stood and made a speech.
Then I was reading a local paper and I read a story about a magician.
Interpretation: skin, emotional difficulties, alien, you will make valuable new friends, planet, this shows a strong desire for change, election, quick success with current short-term plans, speech, improved business, status, magician, unexpected changes, work, alien, unrecognised talents, ENC, planet, feeling of peace and relaxation, mage, the arrival of news leading to major change at work, things that are now hard to understand will soon make sense, def OB 6. [Note: So the way I used to do it, I used to have these dreamers dictionaries and I’d look up the interpretations. I’ve got a bit more sophisticated after 35 years, but that was what initially got me in to being interested in dreams. I thought that they would give me advice and tell me the future and they do, but now I just have a better understanding of what my, how my subconscious speaks and I don’t actually use it like this, but it was a good start.]
Monday, February the 19th, 1990
mood ok 5, vividness 2.1
I was working in an antique shop and I cleaned up some bags from behind the counter.
Interpretation: dreamers, antiques, a happy home life, bag, financial embarrassment, work, bag, an unpleasant woman, ENC, work, someone is taking advantage of your good nature.
Wednesday, February the 21st, 1990
Mood 5, vividness 6.1
Me and Anne were talking on my bed. She had a suitcase on it that had lots of departments for each can and she called it a handbag.
She was cleaning up and opened an old box.
It was full of old sandwiches of toast, egg and bacon. They were really old and rotten and smelly.
She realised and they went flying.
I shouted, urgh, contamination and ran out of the room. Egg, bacon was everywhere and I held my breath.
I opened the window and ran to the bathroom and had a wash.
Thursday, February the 22nd, 1990
mood OK 5.1, vividness 5.6
I was with this girl and we agreed to do this job for the Mafia.
We turned up at a factory or something but were early.
We ran away over a wall. We were in a restaurant owned by the same Mafia.
When we were finished, the girl handed me her plate.
We went out and we were ambushed by the Mafia.
Saturday, February 24th, 1990
Mood bad 1.5, vividness 3.9
I was standing by a river, sitting over it. Then I was sitting down and a tooth fell out my mouth.
It was bleeding.
Update. Concerning the dream I had on Thursday, February the 22nd, 1990, [Note, that’s exactly three years to the day before I left the country.] The Mafia obviously represented my friend [Simon] who was an Italian, and in an Italian restaurant. The day I had the dream, his girlfriend, Gabs, rang me up in tears and told me he’d left her and if she could meet me. I met her, then went to see Simon to find out what was going on. Last night, Friday, her and Jason came round and we went to the restaurant where he worked. As I left, he grabbed me and threatened me, just as in the dream. It came true.
Sunday, February 25th, 1990
mood lowish 1.1, vividness 7.8
I was getting ready for the bath and Anne saw me naked, then walked into my bedroom and read the problem page of a magazine.
Then I was in Hyde Park watching a fly fisherman.
He caught a massive fish and could only just get it out of the water.
Then I was naked again in a swimming pool and I couldn’t get out but then I reached.
But then I remembered you had to let the water out first. When I got out, a policeman helped me.
I walked to his station and then I was back at school looking for a mathematician.
Then I saw a teacher telling a pupil, I think Gabs, that she’d failed all her exams.
I went home with her and I think Jason was there.
Her father was Chinese and he comforted her. Then I saw the Chinese man on the phone but he held it away from his ear like he didn’t want to talk.
Gabs was crying.
I Ching: What would happen when Simon rings up next? 32 to 38.
Monday, February 26th, 1990
Mood okay-ish, 3.0, vividness 5.0
An kept waking me up for no reason. So I chucked a load of after eight wrappers down the stairs.
Then I was in the lounge and saw someone being cruel to a kitten by putting it into a sack.
I was wearing an RSPCA inspector’s uniform. Then I saw a poster saying RSPCA inspectors are heroes.
Tuesday, February 29th, 1990
I was unhappily married, watching my wife rinsing some meat in the sink.
I was brushing my teeth and my gums started bleeding. Then I had a job delivering fast cars.
I did one, but I forgot to give the keys.
Then as I was walking back home, I saw it in a bay by the sea.
Then I was up a building and saw two UFOs. One was ball shaped and flew off, but the other was really close.
I took photos of an alien and they were infrared and they used infrared to find me, but didn’t succeed.
I Ching: What will be the result of regularly using my new psychic tape? 32 to 9.
Saturday, March the 4th, 1990
mood low 3.3, vividness 5.8
I was a German on holiday with three women. We got to a sort of garage where I had asked a cameraman, and I met this woman.
It could be caravan. Well, I rented a caravan and I met this woman who I think was Anne.
She opened the doors and we all except Anne went out into this beautiful vast forest.
We walked looking for our place and we came to a very ornate city sofa couch and assorted furniture in the middle of the forest and we all sat down.
I drank a glass of water and typed a letter. I saw I had a number on it.
I showed it to one of the women who screwed it up.
I said I’d have to type the sixth, but I wasn’t mad.
Note, I’ve just read a book called The Wisdom of the Tarot and the author is German. That’s why I think I was German in this dream.
Sunday the 5th of March, 1990
mood okay 4.8, vividness 7.9
There was a knock at the door, so I cocked my machine gun and hid below the window.
Anne came in and was mad because she said I worshipped idols.
Then I was at school and I was playing cello.
Me and my band agreed to start an orchestra slash band.
Then I was in America and I went into an amusement arcade.
I met a man there and we both played a racing game where you could win money with it as well and I won about 15 pounds.
Some police came and tried to get rid of my new friend, but I told them to let him stay.
Then went home to his house and it was very big and dark.
We both lit candles and started to ascend many flights of stairs.
Before that we’d been playing spaceships through two long dark tunnels.
The man went up faster than me and I lost sight of him.
At the top of the stairs I came to a big room.
I saw a devil/demon come through the window and heard a woman near me.
I ran to the opposite window and there was a cross to my right and an ankh to my left.
I picked up the ankh and pointed it at the diamond. Then my friend came back. The demon ran away.
Behind me I saw a statue of an angel and it was holding a real human heart. I picked it up and then woke up.
I think the above dream is talking about my occult training. The first bit where I hide from me is hiding my religion from Ann and being ready to defend it. Then being in America shows day-to-day mundane life. Then when I go through the tunnel it represents projection to the astral plane. Lighting the candle shows help and hope as I descend into my subconscious to discover many things of the past. Then at the top I choose the ankh which means choosing the occult religion to help me. I fight off the devil within and find the heart, my true self. [Note: so you can see the difference there; rather than choosing the dictionary definitions in the dreamers books. I did actually start to understand the symbolism myself.]
Monday, March 6, 1989
Mood OK 4.7, vividness 5.1
I was standing in the road, jumping in the way of cars and just in time until a taxi almost hit me.
Then I stopped.
I walked down the street to a table. An Italian man’s son put bread and butter on the table but his father was mad so he picked them up and I ate some.
This dream is another mafia one meaning (Simon who’s here now). I think this dream refers to the fact that Simon is mad and paranoid. So that’s why he’s cleaning up the table but luckily I carried on eating and I’m not sure what the cause are. Perhaps living life too dangerous or taking too many chances.
Wednesday, March 7, 1990
Mood not good 3.5, vividness 5.3
I was at a school sports class and me and a friend did an obstacle course.
I found it much easier than my friend. Then his brother told me to change for swimming but I was embarrassed.
Then I went out of the school still with my friends and I saw my brother-in-law laying down dressed up as a sailor slash mariner.
Then I wanted to get some rice but couldn’t because the road was blocked off.
So my friend said get chips but I didn’t want them.
This dream shows me competing and winning something on life’s obstacles. Probably Jason because he’s the only person I compete with but after I succeed I could be hesitant. He’s showing my true self so I may pass success by. The marriage must not be too shy. The message must be to not be too shy. To drop all pleasure and see who I truly am.
I Ching: If I practise path working now will I be successful in transferring consciousness to the astral with the aid of my other projection exercises? 27 to 22.
Sunday the 11th of March 1990
Mood bad 1.9, vividness 6.8
I was in the occult shop and I bought some story tapes.
The man told me the information on it was valuable because they only let it out occasionally.
I bought three tapes and a companion book but I gave him the wrong money and I didn’t have enough.
I asked Jason to lend me it and he said no.
Then the occult man asked me if I could help him with some maths.
He showed me a map of the UK and asked me to find some pictures for him.
Tuesday the 13th of March 1990
Mood okay 4.8, vividness 4.9
I was at Yasmine’s house and because someone told me Carly was being bullied she and Phil came down.
She had a flute. He stuck a knitting needle in her and made her tell me she wasn’t being bullied.
Then a lover came in to me and we left to live elsewhere.
I went through a door and we were watching the pyramids.
There was a small door in one and I went through.
Inside there was a dark black and red room with Anubis sitting on the throne.
I gave him a purple candle and he stroked my hair.
He stood up and took me through another small door.
We went through a tunnel and various other rooms until he got to a final door.
When he opened it there was no opening just wool.
He took my hand and led me forward and when I turned round I was looking at myself.
He showed me a mirror then asked me if I knew the reason of projection.
I said to see the mirror of your soul. He smiled and nodded and told me to remember that.
Then the brick was gone from the door and we were outside.
He took me back to the first door and I came through.
Before I came back he pulled out a piece of my forehead and he replaced it with the eye of Ra and drew a symbol on my forehead.
Note that is an astral projection.
Wednesday 14th March 1990
Mood OK 5.0, vividness 8.4
There was a double eyed creature or something and it was chasing Jason.
We hid in some bushes but he had to keep running. There was a girl with him.
He back with it still chasing him.
So we carried on running and got caught up in a load of thorns.
It jumped over the thorns on Jason’s back. I pushed it on a thorn and killed it.
Then I went up some stairs and there was a kind of pulpit to my left.
There was a table and chairs on the wall and a large golden crucifix.
There were black people with someone with sunglasses.
I think it was a vicar or preacher. Then I was up near Bum’s house and there was something frightening the community and someone had agreed to fight it for us.
I gave him a machine gun.
He fired it to test it and I told him to shoot some pigeons but he was only firing blanks.
I told him later I would get him a gun shaped like the letter N. Then I was with Jason on the train and I think going to Glastonbury.
Jason stood up and pressed the pull cord and stopped the train.
We moved to the back of the train and the inspector came and looked at us.
He called my name but my old name. I looked at Jason to see if he would own up but he didn’t.
So I went with the inspector and Jason followed me. There was someone else there but they didn’t come.
He took us off the train to a school who had a publisher for a teacher and he punished us by making us do lines.
He held up a chronicle newspaper and showed it to us.
Then I was looking at holiday programme and they were talking about this place saying it was nice but some places to stay were better than others.
Then they showed you one man’s room.
The toilet was bubbling and the sandpit was spilling out fat. Then he complained about his ice making machine.
He said it made the ice too perfect and he didn’t like the pictures.
He held up an ice cube and inside it had formed a picture of a country scene.
Note, the bit with the gun happened before that with the devil. I think the gun bit means I’ll get help with one thing that frightens me. Firing blanks possibly means the people who promised to come with me when I something won’t. The devil could be Simon but it’s definitely something that will attack Jason. My faith will rise me above it and I will easily win. After that Jason will put a halt to my plans but I will learn a lesson from it. Then I can go as planned but I may have an idealised idea of what it will be like but I think it will be okay.
March the 15th 1990
mood okayish 4.5, vividness 3.9
I was again travelling on the train. I got off and went back. I went the back way into a shop.
There were people hiding with guns outside. I went outside and was shot.
Sunday 18th March 1990
mood 3.5, vividness 5.2
I was downtown and my friend was demonstrating about a McDonald’s store.
Then we all went swimming.