General Diary 92

I’m just back from town. Obviously I couldn’t find a nice pictorial diary, I used to see loads, but now I want one I can’t see one. This is only little so I’ll probably find one soon. I’ve traipsed all over town and this is all I’ve bought.

You ain’t gonna believe it but I saw Clare in person again, though I didn’t sink completely into depression this time (Oh shit, hang on Ann’s come back in). It’s a strange thing really because I went to Northampton bookshop while I was looking for a folder which lies flat (and I never found). While I was there I saw a book, well, a collection of little books, called the Love Keepsake or Marriage Keepsakes etc. One of them was bound in velvet cloth. Absolutely lovely.

This is all very strange coincidence [sic] because yesterday in Delta I found a tape that seemed to contain just about everything that was on/in love spells (Ann’s coming back downstairs). It’s all very strange indeed. I’ll definitely buy one of those books on Monday. It will be another photograph for my magical file. She’s cleaning up all around me as I sit here. God, it’s like old times. I saw the great big diaries for ten pounds in Coleman’s but I think I’ll just use this one first. It will do for the next stage of going to college and getting myself sorted out etc. I really do believe my goal.

You ain’t gonna believe this (hang on, she’s wiping the table now). I’ve just got a clean glass out the cupboard and she’s put it straight in the sink. Weird! (I think she’s in some sort of mood). It was too good to believe I could be alone in here.

I’m going to visualize in a minute. I suppose I could use the lookalike I have the image indellibally etched on my mental scar. I hate sitting here like this. I really don’t like being awake in the day when I am here. I think it will be good to go back to the garage. I wonder why some people need noise. As soon as they sit down it’s on with the TV/radio “Please occupy my brain, it cannot stand silence.” they cry. Awful.

There wasn’t any post. It must almost certainly come next week.

Geoff’s just come in and her (Ann’s ran upstairs as she was in a mess). How sweet. (I’m cold).

It was wet out but I felt really happy, which is now becoming my normal state. I went to BHS. It was nice to be there, probably the last time for a while now. I remembered about all the other times I was in there. In-between psychology classes with Tiana and Jason. How it used to look before they did it out. I’ve got a few photos taken in there. How I love my photography. Only three weeks until my camera is back. Right, I’ve finished my cigar so I’m going up. I’m a little tired so I may even sleep. I’ll set the video.

I didn’t fall asleep for ages, but also I was up at 4 so I shouldn’t be awake too long. I’ll wash my hair before Beadle’s About [TV show of the time] + I can have a laugh afterwards.

I haven’t been too happy walking up here, no I mean I was eventually happy walking up here. As is very often the case, I read something in the newspapers that upset me, in the sense that the slant of the article tends to postulate that my goal isn’t attainable. I suppose when you know as I do that you create your own universe, the wingeing and battling of the popular culture is alien. To someone who understands nature and the inner planes it’s strange to see people’s fighting reaction to life.

Imagining people at an art gallery where all the people look at the paintings through a piece of glass, but everybody’s glass is uniquely distorted [handdrawn star of David here]. How could a person with clear glass argue the merits of a painting with a person convinced their view through the funny glass is correct? The best thing for them to do would be to say nothing. My ?thinking would be pointless, but constantly seek out others with clear glass.

Right, enough philosophy. What’s gonna happen? I’ve been a little low since Saturday, but as it’s not too bad. When I think deeply about it, I’m not acting exactly as I would if I had the goals. What would I really do? I suppose I’d work and find somewhere to live, probably. It’s Christmas coming up soon so I suppose there’ll be a fair bit about but what about going away? I suppose if that’s part of my goals the opportunity shall present itself no matter what. With the NUS card offering cheap travel [a student card I was thinking of applying for] that will be a part of as if [as if, the magickal practice of acting as though your goals are already manifested]. I don’t see Matthew anymore so I won’t be able to ask him how to join [he’d told me about his experience of college, which was why I was going myself]. I shall just have to turn up and see what happens.

I’ll wait in early for the post to see if there’s anything [I was obsessively writing occult books and sending them to publishers]. If there was it would be an absolutely perfect day, it couldn’t happen at a better time. I could drink my champagne in Abington park, just find somewhere nice to sit and sip it overlooking the water. I shall go to the hairdressers as it opens. I’m going for the complete shave again. I’ll feel like an idiot, but I’ve had enough of this messing about, always worrying about the wind blowing it out of place and my dandruff. Since I had my hair done last time, February, I haven’t looked in a mirror [this avoidance became obsessive in the following years]. I’ll have it done and reshave it myself every couple of days. It doesn’t look very good now because I don’t use a mirror it’s all over the place. Next I’ll go to the Old Oak [pub] for a drink. I haven’t been there in absolutely ages.

Then I’ll go downtown and treat myself. I don’t have the money, but sod it. I’ll get:

Love book: 5.00
?Candid? 25.00
Cloth: 2.50
UV filters 14.00
Necklaces: 20.00
66.50

I wouldn’t mind an expensive [unreadable] or now compact but it will have to wait. God, I’m so thirsty. I shall go to the cinema, then go up to my first class. Wow. I don’t know if any of them will be to do with my goals. I’ll have to wait and see. I think the dream said no didn’t it (for some mad reason I’m tired). I’ll have to see what happens. Wow, I’ve nearly just finished my tea, but I’m so thirsty. I just go down and get a drink. I’ll do that now then write up at home what I wanted to say about happiness.

Water… Water… Water!

Ann’s having a bath and Geoff’s sitting on the sofa, though thankfully the TV ain’t on. I probably haven’t got time to say what I wanted to but I’ll have a go.

I’ve now got an idea of how ‘as if’ should be carried out completely. There really should be a suspension of logic. If I had all my goals this very minute, I wouldn’t be acting like this, sitting here. I [a hand-drawn star of David is above this text in the margin] honestly don’t know what I’d be doing. I’ve never thought about it.

Each time I think about my goals I think/worry about what I need to do to achieve them (Ann’s down). I should really be using my razor [for the will development exercises ala Crowley I was using at the time] (Oh dear, she’s a pain in the arse) (She spends nearly all the time talking about nothing). I’m gonna go and eat something. I mean to say I must use will development to even stop the thought, any thoughts contrary to the idea. I have my goal. That will be hard indeed, but wow!

I was with Mum, Bri, Yas, Geoff on holiday in South Africa. We all went on a fairground ride but I alone was stopped because the woman said the bags under my eyes gave me away as an Asian and it was whites only.

We went to a different fairground that was smaller and more dirty. Yasmine went up to a market stall and looked at all these little pottery figures. She suddenly announced she was getting married and started smashing them. The stall holder looked unhappy and just kept replacing them with more because she knows she would eventually be paid for them.

Next I was in Yasmine’s bedroom and we heard someone come in from downstairs. We looked and I called the police. Then Mum came up the stairs and we realised it was her. I tried to ring the police to tell them it was a mistake, but I couldn’t get through. Every time I pressed a number, a different one was dialed in. There were some flashing lights on the phone and a little compartment that holds jam. In the kitchen, an Egg [sic] exploded.

The fairground is probably when I went away with Yas, the colour/apartheid is how aware of my race I was there. Smashing the pottery is how Jim [her violent boyfriend of the time] assaults her, but when she rung up the other day I found out she was back with him. Smashing denotes violence. The telephone shows how I couldn’t communicate with her. The jam wasn’t very nice so that shows it didn’t work out. The exploding egg shows the idea never worked out, or wasn’t allowed to hatch.

When I got home I had something to eat, then fell asleep. I really was shattered. I’ve been a little constipated also. Oh God, I wonder what the hell’s up now?

Today’s the day then. I don’t really want to go to the hairdressers but I don’t see what else I can do.

The ‘As If’ seemed good. I was contemplating earlier how I should act if I had my goals completely and having complete faith. Ann said to me Sainsbury’s are running a promotion where you can get up to 30% off an airfare so she’d saved them up for me. I left a few travel books around the room by mistake so she probably know it from there.

Damn.

I’ll probably have to leave around a quarter to nine. I think the post is usually here by then. I have to wait for my giro no matter what happens. I can’t buy my treats without it. Money always turns up now, whenever I need it. Thought with all I want today I shall almost certainly spend out.

I’ve just looked at the necklace, it’s thirty pounds. The book is five pounds. Five for hair. Forty so far. The candid attachment [for a camera] itself is twenty one pounds without adaptor. That’s a hell of a lot of money. I may just have to get the cloth spray and UV filters today. That’ll take just about all my giro. I’ve only got forty pounds left from Mum’s one hundred. That should keep me until Wednesday. Oh god. The cinema will cost five pounds as well. Maybe I should wait for all this until I have the book accepted. I really could do with the candid attachment, though I could go to London soon and put it on there. Maybe I should just buy a new compact today? I definitely need one ?80 [unreadable] for my old camera each, + 20 cash perhaps 60. Then five pound hair and [unreadable] five pound book, thirty pounds necklace. That’s 105. NO. I can’t afford it! Oh dear! What am I going to do? I haven’t got the first idea, and I really don’t want to go to the hairdressers, but what else can I do? If the book comes today it will be perfect. Oh, I don’t know what to do today. How would I act if I had my goals? I dunno. I’m going to take a photo on my inferior camera. I took some earlier, but the batteries ?are bloody short and I don’t think the shutter clicked. I seriously think I should maybe wait for my book, but if I don’t do it now I’ll have to face strange people at college looking at me when I’ll look so different. I have to ring up college anyway. I’m going up to do my hair soon. I wish I didn’t have to go out. Maybe I should just start looking at myself more, then have it done in the future, when I’m used to my appearance I shall buy that book whatever happens there are only a few and they might be gone by the time I’m ready to buy one. I don’t know which one I’ll get. I’ll have a good look, I think they’re all the same price.

When did I ring up about the book? I think it was a week last Thursday. That’s 11 days. Well over a week for them to consider it so there’s a good chance it could be today. No matter what; I believe I suppose it will be here for around 8:30 that’s when the post is usually here. Oh god, hurry up! If it comes now it really will be perfect, the best day of my life; so far anyway. Nothing would be better, well nearly nothing. I honestly don’t know what to do today for the best. It could well be best to go tomorrow, when my dandruff will have had a chance to settle down. I’m laughing. When that letter comes it will feel right and fall in place, AND it WILL be today.

Only 5 hours until I know. I don’t see how it could be much longer. I have to get my bank money etc sort it out once that book comes, I’ll know I’m well on the way. There will be no turning back and it will be soon. YES. YES. YES. YES YES.

There must be something drastically wrong with my hair, I really am desperate.

I’ve just done some candle magic to get it sorted. I wrote a request and oiled a candle, also I used a little of that holy ash the man gave me. The stuff that links you straight to the guru. I’ve had a prayer and the request was in the form of a letter. When I opened the ash there was some strange writing and a word I’ll write it down.

Om Sai Ram.

I’m not sure if this is the right way up.

[Note: here on the page there are drawn some glyphs from her alphabet I’ve never seen before]

I don’t know what it means, but there it is.

I spoke the words in english. I only hope it works. Mind you, with ‘as if’ it must do. I’m going to go and meditate in a minute.

I held the ash and prayed as instructed. Now I folded it in paper under the candle. Next I should take it outside and light the paper together with the ash.

This ?gland maybe the sour in my sweet life, I’ll have to wait and see. All I can do is the spell and then the forgetting process. I’ve took a few photos and will do one as I burn it, but I don’t even know if my cameras working. I’ll have to see. I’ve just tried the camera and taken a photo. It’s 400 film so hopefully it will turn out. Black and white.

I’ve just messed up, the day hasn’t gone exactly as planned (hang on a woman’s cleaning up around me, gone). Firstly, the post came but there was just a letter for Geoff (I don’t believe it, Mar just walked in). Well, they’ll probably sit with me so I won’t have time to do this! I’ve just spoke to her, she sitting in front of me anyway. The post came around 8ish, then I didn’t go to get my hair done. I went to BHS and [unreadable]. Next I went to Dutch delight. It was that expensive. You should see the size of the glasses. I think it’s been under new management. Well, I’ll limit the amount of time I go there. I did the bookshops and then went to the library. I found some good books, one by Crowley ?amango. One on photography and one medical dictionary, it lists symptoms. I think I may have, I’m embarrassed to write them down. Tomorrow I’ll go through the book and list them once I’ve got it clear in my head I’ll make an appointment with the doctor and be done with it.

I went home to get rid of all my heavy books. Ann was out, but I couldn’t let myself in. She came back as I was leaving. I went back down town and went to the newsagents by the street leading off into Clare Street, I’ve never been there before. [unreadable]. I went to the fish and chip shop “Busy Bee” Jason and I used to go to. I reminisced about the summer of 1990 when it was really hot and me and Jason went into Donna kebabs. That was the height of our friendship and interest. There were bees / wasps everywhere and they really got on our nerves. Afterwards, we’d eat Bounty ice creams because they were 40p each! That was a really good time that I enjoy looking back on (Mar’s talking). He still tries to get in touch but I feel somewhat let down by him. It’s not the way it worked out. I rang up to confirm the time of college before I went to the cinema and it’s 5:00 p.m.! So there was no time (they’ve left). I went to Smith’s and strangely I bought two learn Chinese tapes about 1 year ago but I couldn’t find the book that went with them. I looked and it’s £2.95. Next I went to look at the folders and there was four Chinese people there, two boys and two girls looking at the same folders it was such a strange coincidence, so I bought one, it’s the best one. I’m going to find [unreadable]. I got the bus up and came here to Tesco. I was using ‘as if’ and forgetting about the money situation and here I saw Mum, that must be a hundred to one shot (or Bri). We’ve arranged to meet Wednesday. That means I’ll have more and will be alright.

The class starts soon. I’ll go up in half an hour. I’ll set the alarm and probably write up tomorrow morning. My idea of the doctors was probably the answer to my prayers, my prayers of this [unreadable]. The woman with the ?[next table — flagged for checking against original] is cleaning. Mum plus price stuff in front of me she’s gone. Oh dear, [unreadable]. God I’m so tired. That’s one of the symptoms I’m scared of. The college course, but I’m also looking forward to it. I’m sure you know what I mean. You probably even believe me but Ann told me to buy some shoes and said she’d pay for them.

Right, I really do have to go now. I don’t know what it will be like up there. I’ll have to wait and see. I suppose an evening class will be mostly older, or more likely, working people. I’ll have to wait and see. I’ll write it up later. Be with me!

Well well. I’m home. I left Tesco’s and walked round the centre for a while. I went up and sat in the reception. When I was there you’ll never guess who I saw. It was the two girls who depressed me on Saturday in WHSmith the book store who exactly reminded me of Claire. Strange. Also there was the slightly chubby one whom I saw while I was sitting my sociology exam. That didn’t make me feel too good. I certainly felt very old ?to turn. [unreadable] I went up and asked where the class was. It was in the new building. A young boy showed me round, but wasn’t sure exactly where it was. Then the tutor came by and showed me what was happening. He left for a while and I shot a photo from the hip, but I don’t know if it will turn out. [unreadable] the others turned up. They were still working on the building. We had to say our names. Then we talked to our partners. I asked a man near me if he had an SLR. [unreadable] then Paul walked in from my English class! He sat next to me. We talked for a bit then everybody had to introduce themselves and say their interest in photography. After a while we moved to a room where the sound of the building work was less obvious. The tutor was only 25 ish and had dark hair. He was casually dressed and looked a little selfish. He told us about the course. Apparently [unreadable] modules. Up until Christmas, as I understand, though it’s complicated, is the first one. This introduces printing etc after that you can sign up for more. Each one is marked and you keep a plastic book with them all in. You can send off for a certificate for £13 which I’ll do. I think after Christmas you can sign up for more classes / modules and then maybe developing there. I’m not sure. I was quite happy. They can’t still seem to be mostly older people, though there’s an A-level student. We didn’t finish the [unreadable] and next week we have to take some prints in, as well as the camera, which is bloody awkward. We left and I was still talking to Paul outside for ages. He has his own market stall now. He sells guitars, mainly on Thursdays. We went in to get some of his old art things and then he gave me a lift home. Apparently he lives by the racecourse. He showed me his [unreadable] and stuff. I almost broke one when I got out the car [Note: there is a small picture of a pentacle on the line at this point] he said now he buys and sells he can get me cheap camera gear so that’s a little magick.

I got home and was a little sad but went to bed and I did some visualizing. Quite a lot of magic worked out today. The coincidences, cheap cameras and meeting Mum which will stimulate my money supply. Oh wow, I sent in the prayer for my magic to be speeded along perhaps that’s it. Maybe there’ll be a letter today! Much has been happening. Wow. Right. I’ll get [unreadable] problem sorted and now I’ve got the book here with me.

If I now have my goals I get this ?dealt with, no hesitation.

Hot and sweaty
Increased rate
Light sleep
Rapid pulse
[unreadable]
Autoimmune reacts against own cells

Courses. [unreadable]. Relatively common. Comes on slowly and may be recognised. Common in women usually over 45. Body temperature falls, heart slows, weight increases, rough skin, [unreadable], face and eyelids puffy.

With treatment some improvement.

Thyroid deficiency.

Psoriasis.

Skin condition something with patches coming on knees and elbows and scalp, no cure [unreadable].

Well I think I’m most likely to have an underactive thyroid gland.

The book didn’t come today. Maybe it will come tomorrow when I’m due to see mum. I’m going home later. I’ll wash and meditate then walk up to college. I think it starts at 7:00, but I better ring to confirm. I’ll ring the doctor in the same session. I may come back downtown to go to the cinema (a woman [unreadable] is looking at me strangely).

On the way I walked here some kids called me a funny man. Out there! God knows what the doctor will say. Anyway, these are my symptoms [unreadable].

Letter g. Hair/scalp problems. Sensitive and [unreadable] t e m p? Sleep problems generally. Skin on the hands a little rougher. Diarrhea for about a year, recently constipated.

I wish a blood test for an underactive thyroid gland.

The symptoms have been there a year or two, [unreadable] coming back recently.

Right now I know what I’m going to say. I’ll go around the shop soon, then bring up the doctors and college. I’ll feel better once I’ve spoken to him, (now a different woman is looking at me funny).

I got a letter from Nationwide today (I’m tired now), offering free life insurance, which is funny in a way I suppose. More funny is I got a letter from a computer magazine offering me a free issue.

[Note: there’s a barcode sticker for an A4 ring binder stuck into the page here]

I’m just up. Right, I’m not sure where to start. When I was in BT they were having a fire [unreadable] test all of a sudden and over the tannoy it was announced it was for real, so off the girls went and I had to leave. I went around town but bought some magazine and came home. I’d only been out a couple of minutes, and was absolutely shattered. I lied down for a long time. Next I went up to college. I thought I saw my photography tutor but it wasn’t. I went to admin and found the building. It was my old English Classroom A8. There were three women there so I sat and smiled. The room filled out with nearly all women. A couple of men sat either side of me and then left because they were in the wrong class. An Asian boy sat next to me with really bad BO. The woman asked us our names, then told us the book list. Then we had a completely pointless exercise of going to the library to see if they were in. Two people bought them. It felt really awkward walking back because I didn’t talk to anyone. (An alarm has gone off). On the way back a young Asian girl asked where I was going. At last somebody said something so I felt quite relaxed. I said where and she wanted to know where GCSE English was. We walked together and I stood by the doors expecting them to open, so we laughed at that. I showed her where it was and she thanked me and I went to walk in our room but she hesitated by the door [unreadable]. I said go in there and she said she’d wait. I know she was nervous and I asked her if she wanted me to knock. She said really quickly “no it’s okay” so I laughed and did. I asked if it was GCSE English and the tutor told me it was so she walked in. [unreadable] I know exactly how she felt. I felt better after that. We all sat down again. A different girl replaced the Asian boy next to me, though why I don’t know.

And caught up so now I’m here. I’ve been worrying about my illness all the way home, it’s very bad today. You then have to talk about how to be [unreadable] with a partner but it was [unreadable] I’d already done English. I talked to the girl next to me and suddenly recognised her — that’s the genius girl I dreamed about, so she sounded slightly Canadian. It was in that [unreadable] room I dreamed but not in the [unreadable] wall, it was the opposite wall in “reality”. The tutor read my summary and said it was good. Next we had to ask questions to the person next to us and interview them. My partner told me her name was Joanna and she looked about my age ?feeling. She works upstairs in Marks and Spencer’s doing finance and likes travel. Everybody had to tell the class about their partners. ?Her breath smells a little — that’s an awkward thing to say. She told the class I have a sense of humour, then they all laughed. Sue told me I look very serious so obviously I have been doing that today. It was quite a good class actually. When it was time to go she wished me a good week. One woman said she worked in Anglia and I recognised her. I next walked all the way home and felt quite good. I don’t know but that’s because I’m ill.

There was no post — obviously it must be a good sign.

I’m meeting mum later. I must admit I’m looking forward to it.

The first English book is A Winter’s Tale by Shakespeare. I’ll buy it today. It’s 9.46 — God knows what I’ll do for 4 hours. I see storms are forecast for later. I’ll see.

[Note: this sentence is pushed quite hard into the paper for emphasis and the word awful is in large letters and capitals. At the bottom of the page in the margin is some doodle that looks like runes]

This is awful.

I got the book from a bookshop, it was the last one. Once I was looking for it after the girl had shown me, someone rang up and she told her she’d just sold the last copy. I went around town, then went to the library to read it. Shakespeare! What the hell are you on about! I honestly can’t understand a single word of it. Anyway, I hung around until I saw mum in BHS. I told her all my news about college then I told her I’d made an appointment at the doctors. I told her what the symptoms were and what I suspected. Instantly I wish I hadn’t told her. It may be because I’m mumble, but she often mishears what I say. I had to keep on explaining it to her. She went on about it. I told her about hair loss and she told me “are you [unreadable], it runs in the family!”

She used my cousin as an example (Rene). She kept staring at me and I could tell she was looking for the symptoms. Now I feel awful. Absolutely depressed. I can’t get to the doctors fast enough.

Funny enough she offered to buy me another camera because mine has broke! I said no. Also she said she’s going to America and will be ?back by Christmas (leave Nov 22) and CD players are cheap in New York so she’ll get one! [Note: there are two small pentacles drawn on the line here] Also she said that she’d buy me a bag today, but I wasn’t in the mood to go for one. I didn’t write that down but I’ve wanted one for ages. Actually I think I’ve mentioned it, but not worked Magick.

It’s 6:00 now, so I’ll go soon. I can’t explain how awful I feel — well, I’ll just say I bought two packs of paracetamol downstairs and I’m going to start stocking up. I must try to hang on until I get to the doctors. This may be a part of the sweet ?sour, it’s hard to say. I feel SUICIDAL. I’ll have to do something about it. I really want to die. I don’t want to live anymore — yet even though the problems, I still believe these words convey nothing of how close I am so I may write up tomorrow.

Oh dear, I’m half an hour early. Only 2 hours to go. I’ve took some photos of the room and the view (somebody’s just walked in, a lady. Talk about ugly! Still, I can talk). (It’s really awkward sitting here in the silence, still, I’ll carry on).

I really don’t want to continue existence. GOD! Talk about a message from above. A man just walked in. He’s about 3 ft tall and on crutches. He asked us ?what class we were in before and said we may have to move, he wobbled very much as he walked. Jesus, that’s a strange thing.

The lord moves in mysterious ways, for ?as Byron went, nature is a funny bitch. I think I ought to say that nature is a process, not a being. A female process. Another girl has just walked in. She asked if we were doing history. She stinks of patchouli oil. Now a boy’s walked in. He asked [unreadable]. I may have to suddenly stop whinging soon and [unreadable]. Right I’d better stop actually. I’ll do more tomorrow. JUST let the record show that I am seriously contemplating suicide.

How black is the donkey’s black, how deep is the deepest pit, how much sweet by torture’s iron, I found out when ?soul was lit.

Following me, I was sweet Oblivion.

[Note: in the lower margin in brackets with the closing bracket missing it says I wish I wasn’t here, oh sod it]

I was at mom’s house and she was showing me some photographs. She showed me one of an old woman who she told me was her mum, she was Japanese — in the old black and white photograph. I went to town and looked through lots of shops in Abington Street that had turned into bookshops. I was looking for an occult book. All the time I was there I felt good because I knew I had a Japanese grandmother, and even though she was thousands of miles away, she loved me. I went to Coleman’s the stationery shop, which was then an old shop. They had candles that would fit in my small holders, but they were much taller than the ones I use. I thought to myself that while I’m acting “as if” about my goals, I should do one thing every day that I would do if I’d obtained them all. I went into the back of the shop which was painted red and mostly black and looked really occulty. There were two girls talking. I looked at ?summercoat jewelry on pictures.

Next I was at college filling out my name on the register. When I looked at some of the kids’ names I realized I had slept with them. I knew I could only love them for now until true love comes along, but knew it was okay.

I had this dream when I woke up earlier.

I was on the bridge at night with the torch. At the bottom I had to fight a dog, but I seem to enjoy it. There’s something about seeing Geoff.

Geoff was arrested for child abuse.

I had a nice piece of soup to wrap around my neck.

The Japanese photo is my “as if” attempt. Looking around shops is the recent things I bought because of “as if”, e.g. book. The candles refer to the voodoo / witchcraft spell. The occult shop at the back is the same — recommending to buy the jewellery. That room itself represents the spell. College, I dunno. Could be literal I suppose.

Fighting the dog, hmmmmm. I’m not register I wrote down a name, I can’t [unreadable]. I think it begins with b. The bridge and [unreadable] college I suppose. Fighting could be a friend? I don’t know.

[Note: some incomprehensible notes about meditation occur here]

Here I am. I am me.

I rang in Friday and said I was too ill to work (which I was). I’m trying to think of all the things that happened. I cashed my gyro on Friday and it was really strange. There was a young boy, Chinese boy, and girl in front of me. They smelt EXACTLY the same as the Mahjong set mum got for me from Hong Kong. Anyway, that was that. Ann has really done me in recently. I can’t seem to get away from her. She’s also started washing all my clothes. It’s strange how I seem to move back in gradually. She’s off Monday and I’ll make sure I’m not here when she gets back. It was bad down town today, many reminders.

I got a letter from Dixon’s this morning to say the camera was ready! The day I need it. When I went and fetched it back they stole the battery. B’stards! Sort it, I have to get another one. Next Geoff + I went to fit the suit. He’ll pick it up Monday night.

Doctors tomorrow, I’m going to buy that camera stuff. I must get the necklace too, especially since the dream recommended it! That dream was a weird one. I found my original notes, it said that my class had been canceled (which is true). It also said I slept with the teacher! God, I hope that’s not a prophecy! It’s nearly three now, I have to set the alarm to ensure I’m up for the doctor.

I finished my black and white film as I nearly got run over in Wellingborough. I got Geoff to send it off so it should be here by next Saturday. I paid by credit card, but it may be sooner. That one goes right back to when I had the meal and made the phone call to ?aquarium, of which I am still waiting to hear the reply. I reckon thurs/Fri for the b+w.

I forgot to say Adrian, Matthew’s friend whom I went to Reading with, was in my history class though we only nodded to each other.

Also I earlier found a film from Yasmin’s I’d missed and can get developed. Being as Ann’s away (and I know I say this every time she is (I just [unreadable])) there’s a good chance the letter will come next week. It’s been 2 weeks since I phoned ain’t it? I’ll give them another couple then I’ll write and follow up with the call, though I don’t think I’ll need to. Maybe the way I’m feeling now plus the bad that’s happened is the massive sour to the massive sweet that’s coming. The suit definitely comes next week. There could be something good at college. I’m getting my help sorted. The letter.

I also forgot to say my business studies A level came. I bought another display folder with 80 [unreadable] to fill, I’ve only got two so far, but I’ll fill it in eventually. I’m not good, I’m off to bed.

I was being attacked by sharks in the sea and realised they won’t attack from above so if I lay down on the seabed.

The sharks are problems and the lying down means letting go in faith. Good dream.

(I don’t believe it, I just sat down and Ann’s back). The ? painters are in the garage so there’s no way I can go to be alone. This is bloody awful. I can’t go anywhere. Of course, I’m up far too late. I don’t know what to either say or do.

Running up, running down
In the cupboard, in the loo
Lower face and close my ears
He said no way to be free of you.

Please do something. No. No. No. I don’t want to be here, [unreadable] what can I do. No. Please. (The paint is just come down for his tea)(Now they are outside and I’m in so there’s nowhere to go). Oh no no no no no. I meet mom tomorrow so might be able to buy the little camera after all. MoneyWise it should be ok. I don’t know what else. These little pills are laughable. I think it may just be salt tablets and he’s just testing to see if it’s in my mind. I’ll take them until they’re gone, but they have no effect I can discern and the symptoms are the same. I cannot go to sleep until the last person’s in at night [unreadable] Geoff has to keep the door shut. I really ought to go back to the garage. (Now the dogs barking). I don’t know what to say.

I’ve only got a couple of hours until I have to go. I shall [unreadable] stay in the garage tonight until she goes to bed.

4.00pm. you’re not going to believe this but she’s gone out so I came down and now the painters are here, washing the brushes! All this must be sour before the sweet. Yes. It must be.

Right. They’ve gone. And she’s gone. Oh wow. I’m alone. I’ll have to get ready soon.

I did the visualization early today because I was upset. Mind you, it does help.

I wanted to talk about some jewelry mom has given me. One piece is a watch that she may have got from Bangkok but I think it was Hong Kong. The other is a solid gold necklace she got from England for herself, but don’t like. This is all very good. Don’t forget I visualized a necklace in one of the rituals. The dolls wear them and then we do. Excellent. (? She’s here. Now she’s just come home, she just asked when she can paint my room, [unreadable] upstairs ect.) This is fucking awful. That necklace coming to me is ?as good as a present straight from my goal. I should put it on today in English. The watch and my new necklace. I should put it on when [unreadable] the other goals, so I see when I have my hair done, if ever. I’ll be able to put it on straight after and [unreadable] if I could have that little [unreadable] while I do it. There may be some post soon which will also be a [unreadable]. I wish I had spoken up more to the doctor. I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. [unreadable]. I’ll have to get [unreadable]. Oh shit. Maybe a letter tomorrow.

11.18 p.m. at last I am alone, though something may come later. I left for English I got a little mixed up with the time so I was late and had to rush out. I felt absolutely awful, walking out, and when I got there I did my history homework. That woman that works at Anglia came in first. She said hello and that everybody else come in. The Indian guy that smells funny sat next to me and Jonathan came in late and sat next to him we did act one of Shakespeare and when it was explained I understood it good. I say ?verily and today. God all that time ago I was talking about the jewelry. I put the chain on just as we were [unreadable] over study.

I’m not in much of a mood generally, though I still believe. The letter, I need the letter. Maybe tomorrow. You should have seen Joanna today, she wore dungarees. There’s a pretty good chance of the letter today (I just heard Geoff coming down he’s in now he’s brought the suit. He’s gone). If it came I’d be straight out. It must come soon. I think, I know it. A straight rejection would have been straight out. I think it’s all going bad now because that’s coming. It’s a long-standing goal so I suppose it has to be quite bad. Still, maybe it can [unreadable] good well quite soon. With the necklace and everything coming I think it could also be the voodoo. I’ve missed a new moon so I’ll have to make that up and put a couple of ribbons on.

I was thinking the depression is because I spend so much time at home with Ann now my courses are in the evening. Perhaps I should change my sleeping habits. I dunno know how I would sign on. I haven’t got the clue. I really don’t know. I’ll try and get up today. I don’t know if I’ll be able to.

I’m coming to bed 1.27 a.m.

t.?12.23 [unreadable]

She’s being upstairs for ages. I’ve just sat down and here she is. I don’t believe this.

A dog bit me.

I hate Robbie the doggy.

Later – 5.29 p.m. at Tesco’s.

(Karen is putting ashtrays down)

I’ve just come down from town. Mom offered me to leave but I didn’t want to hang about. I hardly said anything to her. I bought a pen and notepad. I’ll write about it no I mean I’ll write on it about tomorrow no I mean I’ll use it to write my photos in. I got a couple of pens too. They still haven’t got the light fixed here. Right. I’ve got a few things to say.

I’m going to be terribly short of money if I buy that camera. I’ve got £50 in the bank, £60 come in and £20 on me. I should have another 20 lb rent tomorrow. Maybe the letter will come which will sort things out for me. If it doesn’t I don’t really see how I can buy anything. I’ll get the necklace etc but not much else really. I still got to photograph the dolls etc. My black and white one should be here soon. If I get all the stuff I need college plus codes then try and get it off and I should be okay. I’ll be even better if mum gives me it too. I’m waiting for three things in the post: one, photos, two, certificate and three, publisher letter. There’s a fairly good chance of it coming. (I just seen Vivian? Loud, my old psychology teacher across the room by the broken lights, I hope she doesn’t see me).

I’ve also just looked in Dixon’s where my bx20 camera is now. $139. They have lens caps on so mine must be missing.

In boots I saw the girl who used to sit opposite here in Tesco. Tuesday nights she was alone, the fat girl wasn’t with her. She still looks as skinny as ever. Another girl’s coming now so I presume Karen’s gone home now. I’ve just played one of those little scratch and win cards.. and LOST! Still, it’s for charity.

I wanted to say a few things about the account.

Firstly mom’s going on last week plus test, that she wants to buy me a bag to put all my stuff in. I’ve wanted one for a while and I could go away, it would make me more mobile. Next, Ann keeps going on for me to get shoes and the suits arrived. The suit is part of the magick so perhaps that’s it? I must stop? Manifesting it and get on with it. I should get my clothes sorted out. Then get ready to sort out the whole thing monday. I could try to not spend my gyro and get the camera next week.

The other thing was about meditating. I said how [unreadable] in love plus it’s feelings was just because you were concentrated on those feelings. Well, I managed to meditate.

Not too bad last night. Today I feel sort of ok. If I regularly kept numerical check of my mood the better I meditate the better I’d feel. DEFINITELY. Just think how good I feel if I could do less than five regularly! Excellent. Yes. I must make a better effort, it’s 555 now. I’ll have to go soon. Tomorrow I’ll get the magick sorted. I don’t know what I’m going to do about being an ass. I even thought of working. I see Oxfam I still looking for a manager for that town shop. Maybe I should ask them if I can do that. It’s 8,000 pounds pa.

[Note: there is a numerical calculation in the margin]

6.39pm. At college.

I haven’t bought my camera but now I wish I had. There’s a lovely little still life ?over the chair opposite, but now I’ll miss it. Still, I’ll soon finish up that 25 film and can get on and carry it everywhere from then. I could get a candid attachment to begin with (a boy just came in and asked me if it’s history. It’s a quarter of two so it will be bloody ages sitting here. This is really awkward. I remember other times I’ve been alone like this he’s only a young boy and now he’s come up understanding right behind me looking at the notices. Now he’s gone back to his seat. Oh sorry, there’s not much I can do).

Also I wanted to say that when I was walking up I got lost in a fantasy about the goals and I wrote down what I was fantasizing [Note: there is a Star of David drawn on the line here] therefore can use that later and take it off when I have this way if I find myself fantasizing I can do the same, then LET GO and do it for “reality” another time. That way I will never be sure of images that evoke the correct emotions and also I won’t be concentrating on my goals during my waking hours (a girl came in) this is much better [unreadable] especially since with the other Voodoo bag and suit it can’t be bad [Note: the voodoo bag refers to the 7 month magic with voodoo dolls and monthly ribbons being tied around which led to my eventual departure from the UK].

t-3.00 p.m. in lounge   Mood 1.8 very bad

This is bloody awful. I don’t believe how bad this is. The painters are outside, and is inside. My bedroom is gutted. All my private magical artifacts and petitions lay strewn across the floor. Ann found my beta blocker medications but hasn’t said anything and I’ve just tried to photograph my Voodoo box and the fucking little painter was standing behind me [unreadable] (here comes Ann), the outside now, and the Barbara’s lawn mower is [unreadable]) commenting on the pictures. What am I trying to do this this is the fifth time I try to be done. Now the painter is here. And two. She’s going to make them tea from the stove what the fuck am I doing? I’ll never get the FUCK OUT. And she’s [unreadable] oh Jesus [unreadable]

[Note: the rest of this page is written in heavy capital letters with immense pressure on the page, the words larger than single lines and scrawled violently in capitals. It says: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Then various scribblings. The next page says: NOW THE PAINTERS RIGHT OVER ME OH GO AWAY, and there is a large NO scrawled over the entire page with the pen line so deep the page is almost ripping, and each stroke of the letter has multiple violent passes. The next page is mostly scribbled but the word KNOWING in capitals is taking over the whole page made of multiple violent scribbles. The next page is an end and the page after is ZERO written in a different blue pen, finally scribbled with multiple lines actually physically tearing both pages, and the same occurs on the next two facing pages — NO written finally, heavily ripping the page with scribble all over both pages, and the same on the next page with NO but without the scribble but still finding deep lines to make the letters. The next page is written in capitals, each word taking around three lines, written finally and quickly. It says in capitals: PAINTING EYES AND NOISE NOISE. The next page in the same large finite letters says: I’M DRINKING NO ESCAPE TELLY I’M NEVER ALONE. The next page is just scribbled. Next it is visible that a page has been physically ripped out. The next page the words take around two lines each, written hurriedly. It says: OH NO NO NO SHE’S BACK BACK HOME AFTER BEING UPSTAIRS FOR [unreadable]. The next page is 07 in large capitals, the first word is capitalised and it’s finally written: NOW SHE’S ASKED IF I AM. And the next page [unreadable] clearly written in a violent agitated state, but the whole page seems to say I R I and then [unreadable]. The next page says: NO I’M NOT, these three words finally written taking up the whole page. And the next page is simply a large scribbled NO. The next two pages in the centre is written: LEAVE ME ALONE — LEAVE ME is on the left and ALONE is on the right, and there is white space all around these three simple words. The next page at the top says: OH GOD SHE’S PUT THE TELLY ON, and below that, taking up the rest of the page in large capitals: SHUT. On the right side page taking up the whole page it says: UP in large capitals. The next page is relatively normal writing but still scribbled and seems to be nonsense — various random words and scribbles. The page opposite is just scribbled. Then there are another two pages of scribbles. The next page is a picture of a dagger, and the page after that says in capitals: KILL ME KILL ME PLEASE. Then two more pages of scribbles.]

Later — ?6.52 p.m. At Burger King.

All right let me think what to say. I finally got out the house so here I am. Once scribbling in the book I broke my pen so I bought one on the way here from the Asian shop of Stimson avenue. I started using I was very unbalanced then if I round me up enough I probably would have hit her. I was absolutely suicidal earlier, so I’m a little better now I’ve got some shopping from Mark’s and [unreadable]. I am and annoying little [unreadable] is cleaning up around me. It’s not being at home. It’s all the same stuff here today that used to be a hair. Very strange.

There’s no point lamenting on about this, no point at all. If it kills me it kills me but at the moment I’m hanging on for dear life. I’ll probably continue writing this until my grip slips. I have to (that means still here within a [unreadable] now). I’ll just have to write about what my immediate plans are.

I cannot continue to live the way I am I have to leave Ann’s. The suit has come now so I’ll make a last attempt. Like the final mad threshing of a dying man the occult isn’t going to provide me with a place to live, en suite and me not having to do anything for it. I’ll have to try and work. That’s what I do if I had my goals now. The suit has come and it’s probably bad because I’m supposed to go out there and I’m not. I’ll have to get my hair done shoes and a shirt. Next I have to find a way to support myself. I don’t know what I’ll look for but it should be something. If I get all I need tomorrow together with the necklace I can get my head on Monday and go for the mass transformation. I could also wear the watch and necklace and it would be all that day. Tomorrow I could ring up for an appointment where I sign on to see if I can speak to someone about looking for work. Sitting there in a suit etc I could tell them I’m looking for something chemical. It will work if I try hard enough. Yes I’ll bring up tomorrow. I will make an appointment and I’ll visualize working from tonight. That’s perfect because that would make the book idea work out too, because I’d have somewhere alone to write the book. Maybe I should buy a briefcase instead of a sports bag. I think that would be the best idea. I’ll go to work tomorrow I will definitely get the suit. I will ring up also. This is much much the best idea. I’ll have to go now. There’s only a little left in this book. I’ll finish it tonight and write it up tomorrow. No I mean I’ll buy another tomorrow. Oh well. Later then.

t-1.43 in lounge   Mood 0.7

Ann finally went to bed after final round. The plans in my head are changing thick and fast. I don’t really know what I’m doing now. I really don’t. Oh dear.

I’ve just finished my mantra.

A few of the ? Breaks each time I’ve done it before 1:00 watching either literally or wondering how long I have to go, but during the last minute which is usually when I look at my watch, I [unreadable] brain. I have a heightened concentration because I know it’s finishing. Also, it helps to keep spending the mantra CONTINUOUSLY trying to push it faster. That takes concentration. This is much better and I have a feeling it’s going to actually improve. Not always having the time in the back of my mind it’s going to help because it will teach me to do it indefinitely.

It’s funny how long this little bit of space can last. It’s so early. The currency is doing badly, the Chinese say you have to fall to the bottom of the pit before you can crawl out. That’s why Germany and Japan did so well after the war. That if we did collapse it wouldn’t be so bad.

Perhaps you can say the same about people? I hope so.

I’m going to visualize soon. I don’t know if I’ll make it to write since my room has been done I don’t really want to go in there. What I have to do now is going to take a tremendous act of will. I’ll just have to try. I’ll write the problem and solution probably when I visualized.

There was no post today, maybe tomorrow, we’ll see.

I’m lost in fantasy again but it’s not goal related. All that time ago I was going to write about what needed to be done but I don’t know if I can be bothered now, right now anyway. Haha. I’ve heard Ann put the light on, so that put paid to that whatever’s happened. She stood up there and it hasn’t gone off. She’s maybe getting up. I can hear her. I wanted [unreadable] she don’t come to say about three things.

[Note: there is a horizontal line drawn here with the word “break”]

Well. Here I am. And it’s gone up for a bath and we’ve had another row. There is [unreadable] stupid I’ve been looking for my book list and my ?fault has gone missing. Lost — the clear up along with everything else. Well, this just ain’t on. I fell asleep and I’m just up so I missed Oxfam of course. Right I was going to write down all they needed to be done. Why am I so upset?

Because I am worried I may be ill and my goals are not working out. Also I don’t want to get my hair done but I know it needed it and I’m worried about my appearance.

Rationalisation — I see the doctor in a month, worrying is no solution. Whether I’m ill or not my hair needs to do it. I can think my way through people’s reactions in college. My best chance of getting out is by [unreadable] up and working. [unreadable]

Solution — well there’s no point going on like this. I’ll get ready and see what I can buy. It’s a bit late today and I may not be able to get too much. Once I have it I’m ready to take advantage of the magick, I know I hate being here but there really is only one way I’m likely to get out and that’s by being smart (literally) I’m trying to work. I must also act as if even if I have to [unreadable] this week I will see the doctor soon and can go flat out to try and get a job. I’ll bring it tomorrow for an appointment to see somebody. I’ll try and make a start today. I might be able to get out about [unreadable] I don’t know if any of this is going to work but I can only try. I haven’t in the doors for a while so I have to have a go doing that. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t doing that properly. Yes. Probably hasn’t helped. I feel I was getting closer indeed I probably [unreadable] getting closer if I was doing that again. I really must try and buy something today. We’ll see [unreadable] I have the strength to act as if properly? This is the crux of the matter.

Later — 3.20 she’s going to the hairdressers. Oh, to be alone. When I put my trousers on my money and credit cards were missing. I asked and where would you look? The obvious? of course! the inside my shoes under my brother’s bed you silly billy.

[unreadable] I’ve got a little ready so it’s good to be alone in the house right now. As I was saying I’ll go downtown soon. I can find neither my shaver no tape measure. It’s raining, but I’ll try and buy shoes. If my feet get wet I won’t be able to anyway if I can get these.

Concerning my illness. If it is stressed the best thing I can do is remove it, if not I will know from my blood test. There is no point worrying every day. I should just

[Note: the text here suddenly becomes large and violently written in capitals, the pen pressed down very heavily in letters that take two lines each]

YOU AIN’T GOING TO BELIEVE IT BUT I’M JUST CAME BACK FUCKER FUCKER.

[Note: on the next page the writing is normal but the first part has a large cross going through the whole text]

why bother? i’m obviously not going to make it downtown. this is stupid very stupid

[Note: the word “stupid” is written in capitals within the same line 15 times; the whole section underneath has been crossed out]

if it really is going to work I’m not coming home tonight and that’s the end of it, I wouldn’t mind buying the pillow book I’m ENOUGH it’s raining now why? Why?

[Note: the last two words are heavily underlined with a thick school line and some scribble afterwards]

oh I give up I’m going to leave I’m going to go out and not come home. I admit I’m beating. She’s open the patio door. Now I can be cold. I think she’s going again. It’s 22 so I’m not going to make it now

[Note: some scribbling here]

Yes she’s going going [unreadable] going going going going going GONE.

she’s gone now and i’ve been pissing up and down in fantasy. looking back at this book it’s pretty obvious that something seriously wrong. i ought to be honest to say i’m very tempted to kill myself. maybe i should go to the cinema tonight? I dunno. I’m going to get so wet outside.

The thing is this. I really would like to be released from this. I really REALLY would like to commit suicide. I have a feeling if I can just get past this little, well, massive actually come a bit, it’s the summer to my sweet. I really don’t know what I should do right now. Unfortunately there’s no escape from your own mind. Where can I run to that I won’t be there? You tell me that.

4.17 p.m. I’ve just got ready. I’ll go soon. Very soon. There’s nothing else to say in this book except this is the worst it’s ever been, it’s never been as bad as this. Terrible. What can I ever do? How could I ever escape?

I’m going to feel as if that is the biggest battle. If I can push myself to feel, act and behave behave as if I have my goals I might be able to make it. The only problem is living here with no way to escape. I’ll have to do the I Ching tonight to see where I stand and to ask its advice. It’s been a long time. I suppose I need a new diary. Will I have time to go and buy one? As well as the pillow book and will it still be in? What should I do for the long Hours that remain tonight? Will it be alright? Will I have to live in the garage and definitely? As if it’s the only thing that can save me. This really is it. I should have to restart the magick also use my razor to cut out any alien thoughts [Note: this is a reference to the ?artistic Crowley wheel development I was practising at the time — see my other relevant notebook].

Do you have any ink to start a new book with? I’ll have to get it sorted out tonight. I don’t know what café or ?restaurant I can go to to start writing in it. Where can I go to? Where is there on this planet to be alone? Is it going to be all right? You tell me. If only I could live somewhere on my own. This is the most horrible ?comment ?stipend feeling I’ve ever had. What the hell am I going to do tonight? AND there was no post also. Oh dear. I feel so defensive, helpless and alone. This really is the blackest feeling I’ve ever had. I’ve no chance of being able to do homework. Will I live long enough to start my next book? Do I have the strength to really have as if? You tell me. What’s going to happen? How can I be alone? I’ll have to write it new.

[Note: there is a list of photographs here that were later removed and copied separately]

Filofax

Voodoo box

A level plastic/grade

Two Aquarian cards

Love book

A level

Chinese book

Letter

Doctor?

Garage

Rosary on black

New camera plus strap

English book

Necklace

Hairdresser?

Masks

[Note: some scribble below this and an unreadable note in the margin about a dream. The next page says “no” and is partially ripped out. The next page has a non-winning scratch card for a cancer charity — 50p to win a thousand pounds. The next page is the closed book back cover. The next two images that appear on the camera are a view from BHS, taken around 14 years after the book was finished when I travelled back to England briefly to copy the book. The photos were taken from the window of British Home Stores, which no longer exists. There is one very last picture which is the back of the book on the table inside BHS where I had just copied it — a finished tea, a lighter, a pen top, an empty plate and dish where I had just eaten, and a clock on the table that I used to time my work. The time is 4:51. That is the end of the diary.]