The cover of this diary in unadorned. There is a receipt from the police station on the inside cover, I vaguely recall Jason had been fined for a traffic offense and it might have been that as I was with him when he paid one day. Also, I was witness to a street assault, so it could be that.
After that I stuck in an advertisment for a camera accessory, possibly something I wanted at the time.
The intro page has two hand drawn star of Davids at the top right and left corners. Next to them either side is the word ‘faith’. In the top centre of the page is a Tai Chi symbol.
Below that is my name at the time, and my magical name.
Below that are three locations.
1. My Aunts’ address (Ann, where I lived).
2. My sister’s address (Yasmine, where I stayed occasionally).
3. The word ‘garage’, where I spent much of my time.
I think I was showing that I had no place I felt was mine at the time.
Date: Monday 3rd August 1992 Time 2:50pm.
I’m just back from town and am really in absolute despair. I’m at home at the minuite, but I’ll explain that later. Talk about deja-vous, the inntroduction to this book is almost identical to the last black one I bought in London.
I wasn’t feeling too brilliant, the dream I had about Annabel Wheeler hurt me, it was probably prompted by me conciously not thinking about my goals, so the sub-conscious had to releave itself. Next I lie in bed until Ann went to bed. After a while I washed my hair and used the herbal medicine. Next, I can’t remember what it was, but I said something to Ann and she completely mis-heard me and shouted. I next went out, upset because I knew I wouldn’t be able to ask her for the money for the suit. I went round town for a bit and did the things I had to do. Post out. I had tea in dutch delights. I had a hamburger at Flames, but didn’t really enjoy it. I’ve got a couple of books about Buddism from the library I can “enjoy” if I can ever enjoy anything again. I was walking up to the centre next and it was really windy. It blew my hair all over the place, I mean it all stood up and it was so fine it must have looked like I’d had an electric shock. I left to anxeius to go to the centre and came home I prayed Ann wouldn’t be in, but she was. Though within half an hour she had gone out again, well out. To walk the dog.
This depression is characterised by a general feeling of emptiness and lack of direction. It’s almost certainly caused by letting go, which I obviously haven’t done very sucessfully. I generally haven’t been thinking / fantasising about the goals, but haven’t been acting / feeling as though I have them. I don’t feel happy and excited. I suppose it’s because usually, to avoid the fact that I don’t have any life what-so-ever I retreat into complete fantasy, pretending I am something I am not. (Ann is in I’ll do later.)
Date: Tuesday 4th August 1992 2:14pm.
I’m here again. I had to go yesterday afternoon because Ann came back from walking the dog. I think you got the gist of it; yesterday was an awful day. There isn’t an awful lot of point in sitting wallowing in this any further. I’ll have to do something to shake myself out of it. What I really need is a job to do or something I need something to fill my mind in the day. I’m a little reluctant about taking one because it is true I look like a dog. Secondly I don’t know if I would be able to do a job and write my book. I suppose I could go for some kind of training or something. Perhaps even go through the paper and look for a club maybe, or something like that anyway. I wouldn’t be able to stay much beyond christmas anyway I’ll have to look around today and see if there’s anything going.
I’m only just in from the garage. I slept down by my car. It was quite funny really. I was falling asleep around sixish and I heard some girl whining “Robert, don’t dump me, it’s not fair, I haven’t been unfaithful.” These two arguing loons spent 20 minuits running outside the garage doors! Until in the end he drove off at high speed, leaving her sobbing. Only that would happen to me the first night I spent there. I don’t know what I’ll do today. I’m meeting Mum later because she couldn’t do it Wednesday. I’ve got my book to read until then, but it’s taking me a while to get into it. I went to go out before Ann gets up, but I’ll have to shave without the mirror then. I felt so awful ealier, but I’m a little better now, I feel alot more positive I’m looking forward to reading my book on Buddism. Much better. I still feel bad, I have to say. I really do need something to do, somewhere to go, but where? Ann hasn’t been leaving money for ages, so I’m well out of pocket. Also Barclaycard have charged me for an advance when I had the money in my account so I’ll have to get that sorted. I wouldn’t mind getting a day sorted, but (to read I mean) where the hell would I go? I can’t spend a whole day in the library. This is terrible.
I get a jewelry catalogue back today. It looks o.k. I’ll wait for the one from kernocraft before I send off for stuff though. I also sent off loads of stuff for a centre piece I should be able to send it all on Friday. I really am looking forward to starting the yoga. It sounds great. To start with the mantra. I will do it verbally: “Amida Budda”, until I can concentrate completely without breaks. Sometime the words will blend into each other and I will find I am missing a bit out yet I will count this as a lapse. The first goal is to master it verbally, without beads, whence I will do it inside. I must continue Asana. I think the full moon is when Ann goes so I could poss start then. Hopefully I’ll have the rosary by then. I read today (strange co-incidence) that Yogis have ones called “mālās”, usually with 108 beads on. I’ll see how much they are when I get the catalogue and I’ll see how many I can afford. I think a good standard bead size would be 8mm.
I’ll have to find somewhere I can sit and read today, I think this is best. I haven’t got the first idea where this should be. If I want to read my library book I can’t take it into the library because it will set the alarms off. I suppose I could sit in the train station, or perhaps in the park? Oh, I don’t know. I may write a book (not today I mean) about a new kind of Buddism or conquering matter by the mind, with the kaballah and magick ingrained.
Concerning the magick I’m doing now, I don’t know what to do. I should do something today and still act as if I should do all the things I would do if I had my goals. (what about “Practical Buddhist Magick”?!) I just need
somewhere I can spend the day. I don’t know where that could be. Somewhere quiet. I’ll find somewhere when I’m out. I won’t have much time to get ready this morning. There’s a great book on Kwan Yin in the tab bookshop, but I can’t afford it yet. I suppose I’ll just have to go downtown and try to find somewhere while I’m there. Somewhere to sit down. I dunno. I’ll just walk round the shops for a bit. I could start a new buddism with Buddha and Kwan Yin as polarity to each other.
I must concentrate on complete faith today, no matter what. I’ll have a nice day out and I won’t allow my mind to fall into negativity because I’ll keep bringing it back by thinking/knowing my goals are coming. O.K. I have problems because I feel so unwell, esp. about my appearance. Buy a suit is coming, and so are friends if I dare don’t buy it. My friends will also be someone to talk to about my fears and problems. It’s all going to turn out fine. I mustn’t let my mind wander from that. Whatever happens I’ll have faith. I’ll read my book because I’ll have a Buddhist friend and also find how Buddism fits into my magickal beleifs. Essentially Buddism is concered with liberation, so is magick. Buddism has many forms. It will give us something to talk about. That’s absolutely perfect. I want to say much more but I can’t think of anything else to talk about. I really yearn to say something else, but there’s nothing.
5:24am. Allright, I admit it, I’m back. I’ve just been thinking a bit more. There’s a plug in the garage so I can shave there. I remember now I have the discourse in yoga notes to write up, I’ll have to do the same with the Buddhist book. There’s a plug oh I’ve already said that. I’m just smoking now, but soon I’ll put deodorant on and comb my hair. It looks to be a little windy, but I’ll find somewhere to go. I’m going to get the stuff I need for the garage and I’ll put it in my rucksack and take it down. I think I’ll go down-town first and see what’s happening there. If I do find somewhere I can sit down I’ll get some work done. I’ve got a feeling there will be no-where, but we’ll see.
I’m still going to do well development to have complete faith in all my goals, no matter what. Even though now with Ann I isn’t acheive the first one, I will. It will come to me. I could have bought a file ‘O’ fax but didn’t and I got a near perfect one for next to nothing. It all will come to me and I won’t allow any other thought to enter my mind, full stop. I think I’ll go down-town to Beatties and if the weather’s nice I’ll write up in the park.
[Doodle: Star]
Date: Tuesday 4th ?April 1992. 5:09pm.
I’m writing this sitting on the garage floor, where I’ve just sat and had my dinner of chicken and rice. Another piece of magick has worked today. But I’ll start from the beginning, it’s worked also on the same principle as before. Right.
In the end I didn’t shave, but went out as I was. I played some music for a bit to lift my mood and it really does take my mind off things I’ll have to buy that Abbey Road tape now. I’ve lost a giro, but if I find it I’ll get it with that. I had the most dead awful day walking round looking in every shop I could possibly think of. Everywhere I went I seemed to be cruely reminded of my goals. With an extra massive effort of will I managed to lift my mind and have faith in the future and my magick, which worked to some degree, (the faith I mean). When I was walking round Beatties I saw Mum, and it was only half one as well, an hour early (this was obviously caused by the magick, as I was later to find out). B BHS was full of people at that time, but we waited and the table that became free first was our usual one. We sat and talked and Mum started the conversation about tailoring. She knows some people in Wellingborough, she would ask Geoff to take me up so that could be that working out. I told her I was sleeping in the garage and she seemed shocked. She invited me to go to live back in her house, but I said no. She said I could put my typewriter there and do some work in the day for somewhere to go. I said Yes!. She next thought about it some more and refered to the time Yasmine invited me to go and stay up there. She remarked she was going on holiday, Yasmine, that is. She said I could ask to stay there for 2 weeks. I said it would be awkward because I don’t really know her that well, but she went to ring her anyway. Now if I hadn’t have chanced to meet her early SHE WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TIME TO DO THAT. Now this is where the sweet and sour element comes into play. While she was gone a fat and strange looking woman sat talking to two friends about her ex-husband. She was saying how “men” (really meaning her Animus / sub-conscious) own things, or think they do, like car, house, kids ect. When they split up they still think they “own” those things, includering their wifes, whence all the women rapidly agreed with her. She said woman don’t place so much importance on possessions. (hah! I should have asked her to give hers to me, mind you, she probbly doesn’t own much). Now before I had met mum I’d looked at all the books in the bookshop and had read some Feminist spirituality ones. The ones that say middle class white women know more than men (like me) or Paki’s (like me). Funnily enough they’re always written by white middle class women and probably read by them too. (Come to think of it, that woman said kids, men think they own kids, meaning fathers are more attatched to their children than mothers!). This lack of polarity in almost everybody’s mind really gets to me. Especially when someoe trys to tell me how I am, as a man or a black person. I looked in one of those books and read a chapter on creative visualisation, but from reading it, it was obviously she hadn’t done it like I’ve done it here, hers was purely speculation. I suppose the ultimate comfort is that if anyone at all who offends me because of race, sex ect, knew what I do or was building up the life I was in those pages they wouldn’t be attatched to the things they think they are. They would understand the animus/ma and how they are creating their own lives as they go along. I think now is the time to write down a universal truth.
[Doodle: Star]
THE PRACTICE OF LIFE / MAGICK / A MAGICKAL LIFE DEPENDS NOTHING WHAT-SO-EVER ON YOUR BALLS / CUNT / GENETALIA / SKIN PIGMENTATION. IN FACT BELEIVING IN THESE THINGS SETS NATURE (your mind) AUTO MATICALLY AGAINST YOU. As soon as you identify yourself with half of a polarity, beeing a whole creature, you repress the other half to your sub conscious / Demiurgue, who will happily go about creating your repressed side, which will then appear as natural opposition to your conscious will / the half of the polarity you have become. Let me give an example. One polarity is left / right wing po-litics. If you become one of these things,
say you identify yourself as a left winger. Socialist. automatically you repress right wing tendency’s, this then goes to the creating part of your mind and creates a world around you. It will seem to you, everywhere you look there is right wing oppression, capitalism run mad, whereas a right wing person will cite left wing absurditys. Each person, left/right, is repressing a polarity in their mind which is then manifesting around them which they in turn fight against, thus renewing the loop. One day this will cause such agony the individual will seek release through true religion. Non-attachment. So by either thinking of myself as black/man I’ve attracted this oppression myself and it the attachments cause me pain, how silly when my mind should be happy
[Doodle: Five shaded lozenge shapes along the top edge]
[Tiny text at top right: I got cut myself a bit again]
that this body I occupy is mine for only a short time Anyway. That was the sour part of the magick. Something come to teach me not to be attatched to these things. The thing is it really does feel as though the world is against me. This will be a very hard lesson to learn indeed, because the “oppression” seems so real. I will enquire. I also think it’s time to start yoga. I’ll maybe do it later. I must shave too. Anyway, Mum came back and said Yasmine is going away for 3 weeks and I would be doing her a favour by staying there. I’m going to meet her tommorow at one in B.H.S. That’s the next 3 weeks sorted out because she goes on Friday. I know I’ll attract something permanent by the end of that.
and of course I won’t have long to wait for the other goals then because I’ll already be a month into them. BRILLIANT. I could go on writing all day, but as you can see over above, I’ve just cut myself because there’s glass all over the place from a window that was broken ealier, well, a while ago. I’ll get finished now, and write more later.
Meditation. 74 beats. Amida Budda mantra.
Slack. O.K. first attempt. Interesting I’ll write it up later. exciting.
Date: Wednesday 5th August 1992 Time 1:43am.
I’m just up and in from the garage. Wow, it’s a bit nippy.
[Circled 1]
I was asleep in the garage and I heard someone come in. I went through and found a woman there. She told me she was thinking of having a party their. I remembered her as someone had looked round a while before. I escorted her out and she told me she was just going to do her washing. I thought it was a bit much and chucked her out, after we had had a massive row.
INTERPRETATION. [Circled O] – She looked remarkably like that woman from B.H.S. Obviously it just shows someone offending me. I feel alot better about it now, mainly because I’m not generalising people anymore but seeing each one as an individual. Kay Snow Sara.
This book I’m reading now is quite good, even though it’s a novel. It says the human mind is one large mind animating separate bodies in a sea of consciousness. I suppose it’s like a large sea channelling down into little bodies. The higher part remains contacted to the sea of consciousness, the lower part develops a false ego.
[Diagram: A horizontal dashed line labeled “SEA OF CONSCIOUSNESS”. Above it, a circled dot labeled “HIGH”, a circled symbol labeled “SELF”, and another circled dot. Below the line, three small circles with arrows pointing down to them. To the right, small text reads “Physical level (unconscious)”]
Also it said how Gurdjieff said how people are at complete mercy to the moon. like cows being milked! I suppose this is true. God, when you think how most occultists worship the moon. When what they
should do is break free! Now I think I’ll put that B.H.S woman in the tree. Funnily enough I thought the other day how a lack of sexual polarity could cause unhappiness by a drawal/ too much tiphareth. going through it, that is.
[Diagram: Two Tree of Life dot structures. The first has arrows pointing from Geburah and Chesed to Tiphareth, with an ‘X’ over the path from Geburah. The second is a standard dot structure.]
It could be looked at another way. That owning things is Chesed, not owning things / getting rid of them in a non attatched emotional way is Geburah. It could still go though Tiphareth.
[Diagram: Three Tree of Life dot structures. The first has an arrow from Geburah to Chesed with a ‘+’ sign, and text below reading “Too much [Mars symbol]”. The second has a squiggly line from Geburah to Chesed. The third has a double circle on Tiphareth and an ‘X’ on Geburah.]
less Geburah, more chesed would balance Tiphareth, resulting in happiness (Tiphareth).
Anyway, enough of this. I wanted also, to talk of the yoga. I suppose you think 74 isn’t very good, but after I’d done it I had a feeling it had gone allright. It felt good. Obviously there’s a long way to go. I can see there’s a long way to go, but I’ve got some sence of the goal. I’m quite excited. I counted on loose marbles, but I’m now really looking forward to getting the mālā rosary. I think I’ll do a 108 beads one. There were basically two kinds of break 1 is thinking about other things and losing the rythm. The other was when the mantra kind of just broke down and I missed bits out or lost the rythm generally. I can imagine what it would be like
to acheive the rythm. I really intend to do it. Great! It will take alot of concentration. I understand that now. But then again, that’s the goal. Excellent. Crowley says you can master a mantra by using it when you go to sleep to not lose consciousness. Say you do it when you visualise, it would keep a perfect concentration. I think he also said you can learn to do it constantly all day. That is imagine the concentration in that! Well anyway It’s 1/4 to 4 now, plus I haven’t meditated yet. I’ll probably have about an hour to get ready. I still have to shave, but that shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll go to the library today that will give me something to do. I’ll take my book to burgerking also. That will be nice
to read until nine ‘o’ clockish. Then I can read my novel until twelvish. I’ll meet her at one and go. This one cycles. I think I need to read that book again to get over the “sweet ‘n’ sour” of yesterday. The “as if” and faith in the future is working O.K. ish anyway. It seems I’m constantly reminded of my goals to make it harder, mind you. Come to think of it that could easily be the goal working out. like a sign the goals are now dropped through to the unconscious because I’ve consciously forgotten about them and have faith. I remember the very first time at 17 when I had my heart broken the goal appeared everywhere, but in my hand. This could easily be a sign. Yes, that’s it. With this goal working out
so quickly and easily it must be getting through to the unconscious. O.K. I’m a little worried what the sour may be on the other goals. Mind you, on the ones I’ve acheived so far it’s always been just something that’s bothered me and tried to teach me to let go. I do the best I can and I think that’s not too bad. I use the tree & will development. It will all come out in the wash. I’ll look for a new novel in the library today. I’ll leave Yasmine’s around the end of August. I may start a college course in Sept. I dunno, would I be here long enough to finish it, would it matter? Yes, I’ll ask the I-Ching tommorow. I look at my leaflets. It’s Thursday tommorow and I’ll go up the centre. I can post
them from there. I must get UCCA & that sorted out, perhaps I’ll do it today. I’ll have to look the books out. When I come back from Yasmines I’ll only have a month to go until the poss start out (goals I mean).
Date: Thursday 6th August 1992 Time 5:36am
I had a really meaningful dream, but I don’t have a pad in the garage so I’ve forgotten it. It basically said very clearly that being away from Ann is a great freedom. I went downtown yesterday and as expected the magic worked further, with further sweet ‘n’ sour. Firstly, I rang barclaycard because they’d charged me for advances when I was in credit, so what the hell could they advance?. I rang up but the woman was really rude. Next I’ll get advice and complain through proper channels. I’ll start with a letter.
Anyway, it was a generally depressing day. At one point I thought about telling yasmine I wasn’t alright where I am. I stood outside the cave waiting and almost left when she was a little late, but luckily I didn’t. We went in and sat and talked. She’s changed and seems quite happy. She’s starting meditation classes but spoke without knowing exactly what she was talking about. She told me to go up about friday at 8 because thats when she’s leaving. God, I’ve got so much to sort out you wouldn’t beleive it. I want to try and get the 10 ‘o’ clock done before I go, God knows if I can manage it. I need some new trousers, these have gone rotten with sleeping out. I forgot to sign on yesterday. A catastrophe has come and they sell mālā’s ready made, I’ll still make one though. No book news. The as if is sort of O.K. but painful. There’s so much to do I don’t really want to get on, but I have to. I may go up the centre today.
Date: Thursday 6th August 1992 Time 7:00 or pm
At Burgerking.
Well, Well, well wishing well! A fair old bit’s happened. Firstly I keep on seeing people I know everywhere. I saw Kevin Lamely walking with a chinese boy on the way up. I saw Johnathan Payne, a boy I used to work with ages ago in the factory. I seen a few other people, but I can’t remember who they are.
I went to the centre this morning and got some cake. When I poured it I realised it was mostly froth (I just remembered I saw Joan O’Mally, that is!) I kept supping it off. A woman had a go at me. I realised then that since I “let go / forgot” there have been quite a few petty annoyances. Earlier I tried on those trousers I bought, didn’t like and Have not too bad. All this could be to do with my image visualisation. Anyway, I sat down and got the gems sorted out. Altogether this mālā will cost me about £80! still I think it’s worth it. I can’t find the price of a budda thing I want. I’ll have to write off tommorow. I came back but it was so hot, I got the orders sorted & had a lie down. I did some astrology & finished venus. I realised I forgot to sign on & now I’ll be two days late. Sod it. It’s too late now to do anything, I’ll just have to wait. Ann kept going on, asking where I was. When I left to come here Geoff stopped me as I left and grilled it out of me in the alley. Ann came to the gate and said we should talk inside. I think she felt excluded! The way he went on I had to tell him, I had no choice. He swore he wouldn’t tell Ann, I dunno, I suppose he may not. I’ll probably know if he has.
I’ve got loads to do. As I slept a bit today I won’t get back till late. I’ll sleep till 1/2. Get up & finish working out astrology. Then I’ll pack & leave my case in the garage. I’m alone with Sally in Oxfam. God, it’s 7:42pm.
I did 48 on meditation, not bad. I dunno what to do about the beads. I may just do it in wood, I’ll think about it, no, perhaps not. There’s nothing else to say really. Now I can send the reminder letters the day Ann goes away. I’ll do it exactly when Mercury goes direct. I’ve just thought that Geoff’s coming to see me on Sat so I can ask him to bring a few bits up. I shouldn’t really have told him, but I had to.
The goals are O.K., but I haven’t done the physical magick since I’ve been out. I probably now won’t have time until I’m at Yasmine’s.
I’m worried incase Geoff gets drunk & blabs, still it’s done now. I’m not looking forward to signing on tommorow. I’ll just have to do my best. Life feels so eventful at the minuite, it’s speeded up and is blasting by so fast.
There’s really nothing else to say, I’ll just sit here and smoke, then go home (I mean smoke a tobacco, not that someone set light to me and I’m smouldering).
Date: Friday 7th August 1992
I’m just here from town. It was fun and games at Oxfam today. Only I turned up so I had to ring Winnie. Then some men came to take stuff, but didn’t know which stuff, they got really mad waiting. It all happened. I saw Mandy Fudge again, but downtown this time. Yesterday I saw Simon Hamilton and Darren Tierney! They let him out, he looks well on it anyway. They told me Jason Pike’s wife lost her baby. That’s a shame. I may see him up Ecton brook, but I’m still mad at him for dumping me and I didn’t wake up till six. Of course I haven’t done an ounce of packing, Ann’s only gone to the shops aswell. Oh no I’ll just finish this cigar and get on with it. I may try and travel light today. I don’t want to lug too much stuff up. I’ll see how it goes. There’s not too much to say except I’m tired and wish I had my own place. I will eventually though.
Later: 9:29pm. At Yasmines
I am here, I was here, now I’m here. I was in a right mood before I came up ‘cos I couldn’t get my luggage ready. Walking up I saw Phil and his kids. I don’t think they knew I was coming here. Walking up was the first time I’ve been up for 4/5 years, when I was first starting the diary. (There’s someoe getting out a car outside, I suppose I’ll just have to get used to that.). I finally got up here but they didn’t leave until nine. I had a can of Calsberg earlier and now I’m paying for it with a headache. I talked to Jim for a while. Yasmine said treat the house as your own. I do actually feel really at home now I’m here. I suppose I’m just feeling the effect of a magickal rite working out. Great. Yasmine said she made a bed up, but I can’t find it! I’ll sleep on the floor in Pauls old room. I’m used to the floor. This is good, I like this. Life has felt so unreal lately, I hope I can manifest here. I wanted to write so much, but I’ve got a headache & want to get my bed sorted. Write up tommorow when I’m a bit sorted.
Meditation – Mantra.
Yesterday – 45
Today – 47
Date: Saturday 8th August 1992.
I’m still here! I slept on the floor, but it’s mostly O.K. I’ve just tried the record player, but it doesn’t work. It’s really windy out today and I don’t really want to go out, but I’ve hardly brought any stuff with me. It might not be too bad walking up It will be as windy as hell but what the hell. I may ring Geoff up first but then Ann will know. I suppose I could say I’m someone else. I really do need a bit though.
I’ve got some photos to pick up from the centre and I might buy a big album to put them all in. That’ll cost a tenner. Still, I’ll need one at somepoint anyway, I’ll be able to type it all up with explinations nicely. Together with the photos I have waiting it will cost me £15. Tonight I could get it done & also finish most of the astrology, and I could do the album. Tommorow I could start getting the novel sorted out. Perhaps even write a play. I don’t know where there’s any paper or I could write down all the stuff I want to set up. I should get UCCA sorted. I’ll pick it all up when I’m at home. I really don’t want to go out because it’s so windy, but I don’t have much choice. I’ll have to go in. Yes he’s got some hairspray. Yasmine’s got a load of lightbulbs missing so I’ll buy her some.
Oh yes. I wanted to say about around the house. There are reminders of my goals everywhere. Especially in pictures on the walls. It seems so strange. I’ll take photos for later. I don’t know how I’ll get the stuff out without Ann seeing it, I’ll just have to try.
Later 3:53pm
I’m not long back. I just went up and packed my bags. I saw Ann as I was leaving, but she didn’t see my bags, as I left she said “you’re moving out then”. As a statement rather than observation, so Geoff had obviously told her. I rang him up from the centre and he said he’d give me a lift. When I got there his car wouldn’t start, so I’ve had to walk back in the rain. I’m soaked now and only have a tee-shirt to sit here in. I could bloody kill Geoff. Broccaids on soon so I’ll sit and watch that. He said he’ll come up later at 7.
I got my photos back. I’m looking at it now. I couldn’t find my shaver while I was there. I also forgot the list of things I wanted so she’ll find that.
Meditation 45
Date: Sunday 9th August 1992. Time: 2:33pm.
AT TESCO’S RESTAURANT.
I’ve just got some shopping from downstairs and saw Matthew Topp working downstairs. I said Hello. I’ve obviously just walked up from Yasmines. I’ve been a little depressed and I think the reason why is obvious. I think I was going to explain it the other day, but never got round to it. Basically since I was 15 and withdrew from the world I’ve lived in a complete fantasy world. I said it before when I used the tape to releave mental pain. I found I’m doing things that I am not. Now I’m doing the as if I’m pushing my dearest imaginings from my mind. All I’m left with is the real world, and it’s not much. I’ve been forced out of my mind, out into the real world and I don’t like it. I still think I need something to throw my mind into, perhaps the novel will help there.
I took a few photos of the house today. I’ve got a new album. I shall devote entirely to Magick. The kids in Yasmines house keep making funny noises, I hope they’re O.K. I suppose I should think about what’s happening. If I send letters off as well/this to the book publishers, I could know by the time Ann/Yasmine is back. Then I could whine or about reading somewhere to write it. I must do it. something will turn up. I look an absolute mess today. My Jackets crumpled from yesterday’s rain & I couldn’t find my shaver.
This is probably trying to spur me into action. I’ll have to do something about it. It’ll all work out O.K.
I’ll stay up late tonight and go out early to get my shaver out & pick up my typewriter. I’ll also get some shopping.
Another interesting thing about as if is I played a song today that reminded me of my goals and didn’t think of them. I started inexplicably crying! Unbeleivable. They must be in the sub conscious now though. No other explination.
I’m going to have to walk right up to Ann’s now to get some cigar ‘cos it’s Sunday. What a bummer! I don’t really know what to say except (I’ve just sneezed and made the most stupid noise!) (No one’s looking). I may write up later, but I doubt it. I’ve got to go so I’d better get on with it. The file ‘o’ fax is almost done now. Right, I’m off. The bad depression was caused by as if going wrong. Wow! Look at what you’ve said. I’ll write that later!
Date: Wednesday 12th August 1992 Time: 12:06am
Well, well, well. (I think this pen’s running out). I’m in Yasmine’s lounge at the minuite. I had a bath & I watched a film about Van Gogh which kind of inspired me. It’s been generally a little better. I’ve been doing “as if” and have generally kept it out of my mind while retaining my beleif. I’m going to meet Mum later. The house is a bit untidy, I’ll spend time on it later.
Date: Wednesday 12th August 1992 10:21
[Circled 2]
I was with a boy called Paul Williams, who I knew at school. I broke his satchel so I mended it (not very well) and put it back. Then I went out to oxfam. A woman said she wanted to voulenteer. I looked for a form. Someone else got a different one from the usual. It was for permanent work and on the reverse of the form it had all the benefits / perks from the job, one of which was somewhere to live. I looked on the floor and there were statues that had to have notices put on them. Next I was back home and Paul was complaining about his statues satchel. Steven Callis (another boy I went to school with and who used to live near me) was there. He asked where the late christmas cards / money he had lent me was. I told him he hadn’t given me any and he said it had been around 20,000. I looked and found them bundled together I realised he was right and gave him them back.
INTERPRETATION [Circled 2]
I don’t know what the satchel means, probably moving out. God knows what it means.
############
to be broken, perhaps it all went wrong. Oxfam is my goals the titled statues is my statues / models of my goals in the magick. The run was me. The 20,000 is money acheivement. Fake because it’s astral yet. Christmas cards, because that’s when the ritual ends. I’ve only just woke up and Mums here at 11:15 so I’d better get going.
Date: Thursday 13th August 1992 3:58pm
At Tesco’s.
I fell asleep early again. I hope that doesn’t happen tommorow because I’m supposed to be working! I’ll walk up really early. There’s lots to say and I’m not really sure which order to put it in. I’ll get up to Ann’s early tommorow and write reminders to the book companys. It’s been almost 5 months so something must be happening. If I do that tommorow I won’t go to Ann’s again until Friday week after work. That will give me something to rush home for. I’m still doing the magick, but I must read the dalls. The mantra has slipped but tonight definately. I suppose it would take about at least a week for a book reply to come, so the friday week idea is perfect.
The beads came yesterday and I’ve sent for a centrepiece. I suppose I’ll get it next friday when I go from work. That will, at least, be something to look forward to. It’s gonna be great. There should be a nice little bit of post. The beads are good. I strung them temporary yesterday, but they split. Now I’ve lost a metal one down the sofa. Oh dear. It’ll work out. I MUST restart yoga tonight, no matter what.
I went to meet Mum yesterday. Well, actually she came up the house in a taxi. We went to B.H.S. She remarked on my bad appearance and took me to M & S to show me a jacket. Next week she said she’ll buy clothes, well, we both will. Trousers & a jacket ect. I don’t really want to traipse round but that’s the magick working. My hair is a complete mess and is really bathering me what, with it all falling & everytime I comb it the dandruff falling everywhere, I dread combing it. I’ve got my hair clippers with me, when Yasmine gets back I might ask her to shave it to nothing. Once it’s done it wouldn’t be too hard to do it everyday, mind you, I say that and I’m too lazy even to shave. Anyway, as bad as it will be, I think you’ve got the general idea that the appearance magick is working out.
The house, maybe Mum told me Yasmine’s assumed I’m going to stay. She’s talking about moving a bed up there. I don’t know if that will work out, but it bears thinking about. Mum also said Geoff had about me being on the waiting list with the council and said to her I should have said. he’s got a friend there. I don’t know if that means he too could pull strings, last night Geoff rang up and said he was coming round tonight so I suppose I’ll ask him then. I’ll just mention it to pretend it’s spontaneous. So that could be working too.
[Doodle: Three stars with lines connecting them]
I had the dream of ?rave mania yesterday in Ann’s house, when I sat there she said Mum has been giving her £100 a month to look after me since I’ve been living there, but brings I’m not there she gave it to me, so the dream came true AND the magick worked! I’ve just put £160 in my savings account. It’s about £4100. I could make £5000 generally the money’s working out. It’s all working out. I realise now that beleif isn’t one fits magick, but life itself. If it’s 2 weeks on Monday when I go I should have some book news by then. I can tell now. I’ll have all the more reason to find somewhere of my own to write it. That gives 17 days for a reply to come. I feel really awful about my appearance but generally the proceeding O.K and as if is a million times better. I’ve not got long to go until the next part works, as much as I dread it I have to just get this one over. Right, I’ve finished that cigar and I’ll go now to the shops & back home for Geoff. I may write up later.
16/8. Meditation.
Yesterday: 50 Today 42
Yesterday done spontaneous today, purely mental both fine, did well towards end.
Date: Sunday 16th August 1992 Time: 2:37pm.
[Circled 3]
There’s something about debt collecting, but I can’t properly read it. I had this dream, fell sleep and had this other one. I was with Kevin Richards in some kind of a presentation. He started to talk about something (Kevin) and everyone started laughing at him.
Next we were by a lake. We had hidden bottles of something in the water, we dived, but could only just find them, they weren’t where we thought they were, but suddenly I remembered. We got some folders and I said I could do some work from them. Then suddenly I saw massive fish in the water, four to five feet long. I put my hand in the water and realised they wouldn’t bite me.
Next I was in Ely where we used to have the boat. It was about sunset and I realized it would be perfect for taking photographs, but was disapointed because I didn’t have my camera. I was a bit depressed as I walked around because I knew I had nowhere to stay.
INTERPRETATION [Circled 3] Well I think the bottles represent? debts, laughing I dunno. Ely is being homeless.
I saw a boy from school at the center yesterday, well when I went in to find out when I came out. He was really effeminate and me told me he couldn’t be hypnotized.
Oh dear. Geoff came up yesterday unannounced to bring some coke. He said he’d come in the week. I wish he’d leave me alone a bit. Anyway, he brought me up a letter because it looked important. It was a large brown envelope with international reply coupons stuck all over it like photos on a shrapnel victim. I opened it and it was the big letter from Sterling peers in New York. Ofcourse it came the day I sent a stern reminder with the same as last time. They must thing I’m a nutter. Anyway, it was basically an apology for taking so long to decide and a straight rejection. This is terrible. I think it was the one I most expected to accept it. I actually didn’t feel too bad. Oh I dunno. I sent all the letters
#############################################################################
yesterday. The very earliest could be Wednesday. I doubt it would be that quick, it’s much more likely on Friday. It will be there tuesday, that’s two days for it to be sent. Mind you. I think Ann’s away until next week. A week today in fact. so it’s next friday I’m most likely to fullfill the visualisation. Maybe. There’s not much else to say about that except wait and see.
My knee’s are absolute agony at the minuite. I must see a doctor.
Ah Right. Oh yes. I’m honestly about tired picking songs to spend tape to use magick to, but the library was useless. I’ll have to see. Maybe I’ll buy some, but more likely I’ll look again. The Page ‘O’ book may be good. I’ll see.
Date: Tuesday 18th August 1992 Time: 9:27am
At Ann’s House.
I’ve just walked up. well, walked up earlier actually I took a few photographs on the way, mainly of Ecton Village & the new “developments”. I mean that in the way developments occurs in both foetuses and monsters. I stayed in the bedroom and saw Sibling childs and Moose woman have gone. As is it now fairly deeply ingrained and it doesn’t take too much effort to upkeep the state of beleif and good feeling, though presently I am a bit down. I watched China Rising yesterday, it was really good, I must send off for the booklet I’ll get a T.V. Times for the address.
I’m going to wash my hair here, then I’ll have a lie down. I’ve got 2 cigars. I’ll smoke them and then walk back. I’m so tierd. There’s now less than a week until Yasmine gets back. I must meditate before I sleep. I lost my beads so I can’t use them.
With complete use of as if my mind is completely empty and devoid of it’s usual fantasy playground. It is very painful but I continue to think as if. It’s a matter of keeping your spirits up. Keeping approaching depression / despondancy at bay with a beleif in a bright tommorow. I started new friends this full moon and the other as if to start of this month so with the good beleif I have now it shouldn’t take too long. Jesus, I must take my library books back.
There isn’t any post here for me. This is very bad, mind you. I should really expect it on Friday. that’s most likely. Another goal acheived would just perk me up nicely thank you, and perk me up it will, because I beleive. The stuff will arrive today, they’ve really got three days to send it, it has to go by thursday to come here friday. it will work out though. I have to beleive. When that happens there’s only a little while until the other occur. I must ask Geoff about his friend from the housing.
I’ll smoke & I fall asleep and I’ll Never let go, not now.
Date: Wednesday 19th August 1992 10:19am.
I’m about to leave for Mum’s, well, when I’ve had this cigar. I may go straight up to Ann’s I also need to shave & there’s a very remote possibility of post. If I go to Mum’s I’ll get dropped off first. That’ll be O.K. I may put some money in my short term notice account to pay for a theraputic short term holiday. Today’s the day Mum & I are supposed to go and buy the clothes. I am not looking forward to it. I think the best thing is a complete exercise in faith. If I feel so stupid, walking round with my mother but I shall try to have complete faith that however hard this is, it is the first step to each of my goals. I won’t allow myself to feel bad. I’ll get completely beleive it is the first part of my goals, necessary & proper & I’ll do it for my goals. I won’t give him to despondancy, I’ll just have faith in this. Maybe with this Friday is a post day.
2 meditations both 35.
Much better & inwards better.
Date: Friday 21st August 1992 Time: 2:59pm
Weley! Well. It’s sort of average right now. I went to town Wednesday. Mum bought some clothes on the way to the cafe. We left and in Beatties she shouted to the man to ask if they had my leg size. I shouted leave me alone over to shut her up. Anyway, lets just say we walked around all over the place. I was in a mood which she could peirce and life didn’t buy anything. Still. I’ve got these one pair she got me. I haven’t put them on yet. She’s supposed to be arranging for me to go to this bloke she used to do the markets with in Wellingborough. I haven’t heard from Geoff yet so I don’t know what’s happening. I’ll put those trousers on some time later. She said I bet he’ll feel really bossy. ‘Cos you’ve never put weight on only height since you were at school. which hit the nail right on the head. Magick! Guess what. The exam results were out yesterday! I aint been up since then. I’ll see them this morning because I’m about to go. (6:05pm). I haven’t slept all night and will be absolutely knackered all day. By the time I get home I’ll probably be ready to drop.
Todays the day I find out if the paper chose is a scam and if an imbecile like me can do 2 in a few weeks. I’ve visualised this for months, also it’s in the same visualisation as the book where I drink champagne. an intiation cellar. Perhaps they’ll both work out together. The reminder letters will have been here two / wed / thurs so perhaps they sent something. This will be something there. I’ll go there now, then see whats there. Then go to work. I’ll open it / them when I come back. I wanted to talk about college, but it would probably be prudential to wait until I’ve opened the results. Stuff seems to be working a bit now. Mind you! See if sour that forgot to tommorow. Anyway, when I’ve opened them I’ll go up to the centre and get dinner, perhaps something special. I’m happy I’ve got that champagne, Perhaps I’ll drink it before I am back in there & really something to celebrate. I’ll go in for O.K, whatever I can leave without all the post I want else may be something there 2nd post when I come back, we’ll see. I was going 6:30 / 6:45. It could be awful. We’ll see. I dunno what else
†*************************************************************************************************
to say. We’ll see on the next entry. Mind you. I’ve got to see Liz today. I’ll pass her if he used to tie up last week.
Date: Saturday 22nd August 1992 6:02am
Oh. It’s not good. In fact it’s terrible. I’ll write an account of what happened in chronological order. I went out & saw Geoffery in the bath naked. I found the letter from college, but there was no book news. I went to work. Van-Liz was there. Sally has apparently finished. Her Mum was on the back only the bargains. No one likes her. I saw the others. One told you. A woman walked in she could have sworn was a bloke. I said no. She then asked Liz who said Yes, tight bitch. I was really tierd too as I didn’t sleep at all after all. I bought some beer on the way home & opened my results.
I FAILED sociology. Oh God. I got a D (1) in Bussiness studies. Oh unbeleivable. Still, I thought I’d pass sociology but not bussiness, I did even less work on that. It’s laughable. Anyway, I came home and there was a note in the hall! (I stayed near Yasmine). Then I saw YASMINE! coming up the path. She’s back! Skip. The house was in a right state. I feel awful. Ofcourse she cleaned it all up. She didn’t seem to mind too much. The carpet was a mess, the hoover hasn’t moved, she must have just fluffed it up some how. I went to bed in the little room – then I rung up about going to Bobby’s on the morn. His friend I said No I won’t go. Not when I can clean this. There’s a note saying he’ll ring tommorow well that’s today. I dunno what to do. I’ll bath & shave and try to look O.K, but I don’t know. I’ll try to say Yes. It’s hard to stop negativety once it’s working. If I don’t go out I’ll repress energy & Op don’t. I’ll try my best. Maybe the trousers he will fit, so I can wear them. What a mess. According to the earlier dream I can’t really progress until I’ve got the image sorted. I have to do something I suppose I could just go and think of all that will happen. I get this sorted. It’s a really good top, I read that he time I could take my camera and get a day out of it. Oh sod it, why not. I feel awful about Yasmine. She’s trying to be so nice aswell. I’ve had a few more ideas about future goals, well the outlines (I’ll probably write it all up tommorow. I suppose I’d better go and get ready.
Date: Sunday 23rd August 1992. 2:54pm.
At Tesco’s.
I got up a little late and Yasmine went out early. She came in about 4am last night, as I was visualising. She told me she’d fell off her bike and broke her nose, yesterday she was in and said she’d split with Jim and that really he’d hit her. Oh God, what a mess. She asked me if I want to go camping next weekend, so I said Yes. It’s O.K. I’ll take my camera. There’s loads of stuff I need for it. I’ll have to buy gradually. I think I’ll get an expencive moto next. Yesterday Geoff rung up, well his lass said that. Anyway, Geoff came round with lons, really constant and I went to get measured up. There’s something else I’ve leant about Magick. As well as that Ys & Mum have assumed I’m moving up there. The taking a bed up. It’s not ideal and I’m not sure if I want to but I may not have much choice. When you work out the Magick and it materialises it it’s not perfect There’s nothing you can do to change it. No way out. Still the way it is now is overall better than it was. I’ve got 140 clanging to pass on, so I think it’s bad. As is the clanging principle. I’m sure to year will work through. I must get photo albums sorted. Anyway, the image goal is working out.
I was going to think about the A levels. I think I should re-do mine, and use my money to go away in the holidays. When I have £4500, and have my interest added I shall put £1000 in a year bond and spend the rest travelling, unless I have some book money then I’ll have even more and a glittering future. I could do 2 A-levels in the evening and 4 day G.C.S.E’S. When I go away I can leave a week before the holidays & not come back a week early. I’ll clear my balance in Anglia. I’ll have to ring up to see what I can do on Monday (Tommorow). I don’t think you get very long weeks on holiday, but I should be mostly O.K. With a fortnight off I could perhaps take a month and travel alot. This year I could even go to spain the holiday before Christmas. I’d have to see when it was. It will be more expencive, but I’ll end up with more qualifications & More chance of University. I think this is much better. I can try to make more money through photography / journalism, I must get organised. I dunno what else to say. I think a round the world trip would kill me. This is much much better. I’ll see what happens I’ll have loads of work to do. I’ll have to make a list of whats to do.
I must start & finish my magick album. I must also buy a new one & stuff for the camera. Also the tape I’ve got is gonna be great to visualise to. I’m gonna get a couple more. I could use them in rotation. It will be important to use them in rotation so I don’t get bored of them. It’s excellent. It will help stimulate emotion. I don’t have much money at the moment but I’ll have to try. It’ll work out. I feel bad smoking so much of Yasmines. She talks much about meditation, but knows little. Also I asked if to do an A-level but she didn’t want to. I was going to tell her her Jim was her animus, but some people don’t want help. It’s amazing how most people are so strongly locked into the illusion. I dunno what else to say. It’s 3:26pm, so I’ll go.
Med-Saturday 29 today 27 (sun)
Date: Monday 24th August 1992 6:14pm
At Burgerking
Some bloke just sat down opposite & was full about swearing. I hope it’s not about me. I’ve got to go ealish ‘cos I’ve got to get the bus. I want to walk
have late. I’ll have to come up from the centre (I look in Oxfam on the way). I may be around if I’m less tierd. I got here last night and there was no-one in. Apparently there was a note left but I never saw it. Yasmine brought a man home called “Chalky”. He stayed all night so I had to sleep upstairs. Meditation is better now. I heard her get up late and they were both gone when I got up. Geoff is on the phone without me and leave it. I did the washing up before I left. I wasn’t too happy. This mood could just be the magick working out. (oh I see, then continuing my smoking. It’s 6:41 and I want (oh no, a drunk just came up and spoke. God knows what he said.
It’s 6:41. I want to be at the bus station at 7:30. I probably won’t be home until 10pm. still as long as it’s not too late I’ll be O.K. It’s twilight now. Those two idiots must have really got to me now. Sod them. Anyway. We’re definately going on Friday. I shall have to ring up work to let them know I won’t be in. I may ask Yasmine to shave my head before I go. (Oh God, just me that’s running in to weather he has dreadlocks or not). Anyway. I must find out about the A levels & college either tommorow or the day after. Even with the ones finishing at 7pm I could be home for 8pm. I dunno whats happening I must say. Shit I didn’t realise I sat down this
early. It was completely empty when I came in. I think they’re playing a new tape here. It must be the managers Birthday! I / I’m at the Bus Station for 7:30ish. I shouldn’t be there for past the 8pm that Tesco’s close. I don’t think I’ll come here late to often. I think the break will be a good thing. Yasmine went in to the racehorse (pub) yesterday. I was in a row, but I suppose another time it could work the friend visualisation out. Also if Yasmine keeps bringing people back all the time there could be more people. That’s one I know already. (Chalky). I should have took a photograph.
When I was at Ann’s I taped well, set the video. She said she is staying in tonight so I’ll watch it up at Ann’s some time. (6:55) Oh He’s give up but also still sitting there. No, They ain’t going yet. I’m writing really small so they can’t see what it is. They might think I’m mad. I couldn’t find one of my library books so I suppose I’ll have to pay a fine. today was the last day (24) they could be in. I think what they may be doing next. This page is like one of those optitians tests. If you can read this row you don’t need glasses. He’s just noticed me. See the That’s it, they’re leaving. They’re gone. It’s 7:00pm!. I’m looking forward to starting college. I think it will be about doing I forget what I’m talking about. I’ll put go 7:15. It’s a long walk up, but I’ll make it (I know that I am). The holiday will work out perfectly aswell.
(Now all the stuff is all over the place). Oh sod this I’ll just finish up and go. I’ll probably get a chance to go up the centre later. I need some batterys for my walkman but I don’t suppose I’ll be able to buy them anywhere now. Yasmines going to the hospital wednesday so I’ll probably get the bus with her. (Now the man has come down, now they’ve give up). Oh, God here again. He may be looking for that group. Oh sod it. I’m still. I’ll go and see if I’ll had any sweet n’ sour and I think there’s more in me. still, to partly come in. That’s it, I’m now going. I’m in order, works out O.K.
Date: Wednesday 26th August 1992
[Circled 4] At Tesco’s.
I was in a large house burgling it. There were security devices everywhere. I was de-activating camera’s by tipping whiskey on them. I ran out so I went to ask someone down the corridor who turned out to be the blonde womaniser from the 10-80’s film.
INTERPRETATION – Dunno. perhaps I dunno. Maybe a warning to change to abusing alcohol.
Well I’m here at Tesco’s. I’ve left Yasmine at the house. Geoff is definately taking us up to Weymouth. She’s completely taken with the idea that I
shall move in when we’re back, but to be honest I’ve had enough of her. She talks about everybody else, seeing their faults but never her own, but she keeps saying she can see her faults. Also she’s convinced that any man is going to assult her, though I dunno if that includes me. Just as I left she said she hates to see all old men sleep with 16 yr olds, not taking into account their youth. There is no other way to say it except she hates her own animus and projects it onto men. Also she talked today about neadles, I told her I lost my
rosary she said she meditates on a golden brush. she said it stands God. I medilate on anything else than him. Talk about a weirdo, I’ve had just about enough. I shall go away and tell her I’m leaving when I get back.
I got up late AGAIN so I didn’t see mum. I’ll ring up later and apologise, ofcourse I can ring up later and apologise.
I MUST sign up tonight. I’ll have to cash my giro. Then I’ll have to walk back with the tent. It’s 2 postal days ofcourse. I went lost. If I bus straight to town and walk back it will be 3 days. (Wow! I don’t beleive it, I’ve just
seen Julie. Julie sullivan from my English class. He said the G.C.S.E Results are back on Thursday Wow. That’s tommorow, so I’ll get them then. I’m doing A-level English!) There should be a fair old lot to do then, and a fair bit to open. Seeing Julie (He’s sitting just over there ->) makes me realise Yasmine isn’t the norm. Every one IS AN INDIVIDUAL according to their karma and life experience. That is an extremely important lesson. God, it’s wonderful to see Julie, perhaps that is what I think maybe this soul could at Yasmines will serve it’s
purpose magickally. I will be shaved before I go and will be shaved when I come back. I’ll been shave myself. No matter what, I can’t be more than I’m self-conscious I have at the moment. There will be no worry or bother. The trip will also be a stepping stone to Spain, then Asia. (Julie is going). She just shouted “See you John” and now she’s gone. Talking about Julie, I rang up college today and the tutors in but will be on Wednesday. I can enrol after I’ve seen Mum. Maybe I could wait at her house. So the magick will
still work for somewhere for me to write the book. I think seeing Julie was definately fate because I’m looking positively forward to college now.
There’s nothing to say except tommorow I have the post to look forward to. At least a rent cheque and results. If Ann ain’t there I’ll make a chance for the magick to work out. Maybe I’ll have to sleep out and write up up there. I’ve got to wash tonight see Ya!
Med – Yesterday 19 (probably due I only did 19 min in a row). Today 36 & broke posture, poss try later.
DIARY
Date: Sunday 30th August 1992
Time: At Alexandra Hotel,
St. Austell, Cornwall.
I am here. I’m writing on this notepad paper because I haven’t brought my proper diary. I’ve got the general plan of sticking this in when I get home, though I don’t suppose it will fit very well. Still, if I don’t have my diary I don’t have much
[Circled 1]
Choice.
[Doodle: Two stars] I’ve just thought something about this pad. It’s exactly the same product as I brought to write my bay leaf spell on when I did the magick for something to, no I mean somewhere to write, no, I mean live! Oh dear!!
We arrived last night and there’s loads to write up. When I just told Yasmine (who’s now in the bath) that this
[Circled 2]
pad wouldn’t be enough she couldn’t beleive it.
Alot happened the day we left and I suppose since we’ve been here. We’re going out in a minuite so I’ll write that up later, I’ll get back and she’s hopefully staying down this bikers pub she’s heard about. I’m going to write all that’s happened when I’m by myself; I just wanted to
[Circled 3]
write now and say about Yasmine. I want to explain her problems and the reason why I almost certainly won’t want to stay there, (at her house).
She asked me ealier what was in my grey pouch, I told her it was my rosary. She said “all that occult is shit” ect. and it’s in your own mind. I told her it was just to count the breaks in concentration
[Circled 4]
in your own mind but she just poo pooed it somehow, I can’t remember now. This is just so typical of her. She basically has 3 problems.
1, Past bitterness
2, People bitterness
3, Sex bitterness.
People Bitterness.
This mainly comes from the way she beleives her subjective experience is true for everyone else aswell. She keeps on
[Circled 5]
complaining how Ann is a bitter old woman, though I see the same in her. She easily puts everyone in a box. She hates Mum because she’s “wasted her life” and thinks she pressurises her to conform. She hates Geoff because he’s “too sucessful” and “goes to trendy places”. Everytime she opens her mouth it’s always the same thing she’s saying. She hates Ann she hates Jim ect. With her, every-
[Circled 6]
one is at fault. She talks about the “new man” she wants and how he’ll have a motorbike (she’s just walked in the room). Or of all the things she’ll do when Sarah leaves home. I swear to god she just said “How am I going to fill this lonelyness in my life. She pretends she’s happy, but it’s a clever mask. I think she basically resents all other people: people bitterness.
Past Bitterness.
[Circled 7]
She’s just basically bitter about her own past and compensates by plans for the future, though not actually making those plans. Whether she’ll live out this future remains to be seen. A big problem is she has a million set opinions, instant ones because “She’s lived””. She thinks she knows everything and knows nothing. With all her set opinions which are bombarding she’s finished. With an opinion about anything she can never learn a new
[Circled 8]
opinion. I’ll show you what I mean. 2/3000 years in the development: Hinduism, make it interesting I’ll ask her what she thinks.
Q, What do you think of sikhism.
Yasmines answer – Wow, she said she don’t know.
Q, What do you think about Yoga.
A, dunno. Church beleif is against it & Martial art. Everything except Holy spirit.
Q, Why is the church against it.
[Circled 9]
A, ‘Cos yoga, you see, when you’re with the church, you can’t except another spirit, like yoga. Only the holy spirit.
Oh, I’ve had enough, she’s said Yoga’s now O.K, but my beads are crap. I told her again what they were for but she don’t want to get that far! Unbeleivable Sex Bitterness.
This manifested after her divorced, not when she knew Jim, She’s even whining about him write now. It’s basically trying to
[Circled 10]
convince herself all men are wrong and she is right. Now she keeps on saying how she wants a “perfect man”, basically she yearns for a Animus projection: don’t we all?! (She’s just saying how Jim was insecure and possessive). She’s saying she wants a strong man. I suppose I’d better go out. (Shit).
I’m back – 9:05pm. We went out for Yasmine to get
[Circled 11]
a vegeburger at this place she likes and it was closed. We walked round looking for a place and I asked her if she wanted to go to the cinema. She didn’t want to so we didn’t. Eventually we found a fish place. She had one but the restaurant place was closed so she had to have it outside. She left the paper on the wall in revenge because
[Circled 12]
the fish had bones in (pathetic).
On the way us we walked down there was a bed and breakfast place their so we went their. It was O.K. The man thought we were lovers and showed us a double bed. Anyway, we both got a single. Before we went in we both agreed on it. When it was much cheaper at £12.50 she was happy to say how she found a good
[Circled 13]
place. If it was bad it would have been me. Ofcourse with this expencive place, apparently this was my idea (I remember it as hers). That is Yasmine, A woman who’s life is her own creation when it’s good, and when it’s bad it’s your fault.
Right, Yasmine’s at the pub, so I’ll write up all that happened. Before
[Circled 14]
I left I saw Cadd (Robert). Right up by the roundabout at Ecton. He’d walked up the centre and wanted to see what was there. He’s thinking about going to college to do mechanics. I may drop my leaflet off Wednesday morning to with “instructions”.
On Saturday morning I went
[Circled 15]
to Wellingborough and I bought Yasmine’s ticket. I didn’t want to go because I wanted to do something else, but mainly I couldn’t forget that I wasn’t far off only visualising it. As it became the 29th I realised I didn’t want to. I visualised not going in the grass at Tesco’s on the 16th. The visualisation got stronger and stronger yet the time I visualised it was past. The paper cut out my post positive thinking.
[Circled 16]
The trip went backwards. I approached it. They gave me a completely different ticket. Instead of taking 5 1/2 hours it took 8 1/2. We went from MK to Birm. Then we had to wait half an hour. We then thought we were broken and delayed even more, but Yasmine was totally out of order and we went to the left-luggage. I asked a man young student up £10,000 who was leaving for the states what seemed a good
[Circled 17]
said little. When the bus came we both said little. (I’ve just said that!). The man was late and VERY rude. The last thing he said, very sharply to us was “get on the bus”. There were no double seats in the back so we sat in 2 aisle seats next to each other. I was absolutely shattered and
[Circled 18]
spent most of my time sitting, breefly falling into the ecstacy of unconscious sleep. I’m going to meditate now. I’ll write up a little later. (She’s just come back). (of course I hadn’t finished). (I’ve only done 3 minuits).
10:30ish pm. She said she’s going to bed so I’ll write some more.
On the bus I suppose
[Circled 19]
[Page 20]
I was quit because I was in a bad mood. She said it was because I was worried we wouldn’t find anywhere to stay. I suppose it just proves that you see what you beleive and make what you beleive also.
There was a girl on the bus that looked like Cherie
[Page 21]
the one from school and then W.H.Smith. She was eating Pringles crisps and looked stunning like a dream. I don’t know why because it depressed me. I hung on to her every movement and she seemed to be , I dunno, she moved in a sprightly kind of movement.
[Page 22]
When we got to Plymouth she shouted a message to a mate to somebody who was supposed to be meeting meeting her there. As she shouted her broken english her voice had a slight hum/buzz at it’s top pitch. I swear to God, as long as I live, I shall never forget the
[Page 23]
sound of that womans voice. It was like the singing of an angel. It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. It would be a heavenly bliss to spend a life listening to that voice, I was captivated in agony. Even with her voicing her anger in a bitter cold
[Page 24]
woman at the end of her line, that melody would leave me in delerious raptures. That voice speaks into my m head, it’s whispers will sweeten my ear for eternity before and beyond the grave. I hope who has her appreciates her. We finally arrived at an old, dis-used train station up the
[Page 25]
road. The man who got our bags off was a different one. As the coach drove off she looked to me and my heart melted carefully. Even now it’s dripping through my body, I just hope it coagulates somewhere lower. It will never be a high again. Imagine if she was there on the way back.
[Page 26]
With this and Sarahs pictures there are a few co-incidences now. I’ve been thinking about this girl most of the day. We left there. It was dark when we went to the burger place. It was covered in American posters. The woman was nice and Yasmine liked it, she said we were accepted because she’s “alternative”.
[Page 27]
She directed us to this place we’re in now. Yasmine keeps taking the piss in front of people to pretend I’m some sort of idiot. The blokes showed us the room and we took it, even though it was a little expensive. You should hear Yasmine whinning about it, she’s got no idea about how
[Page 28]
how the nature of money works.
This morning we woke up and went down, had egg + toast and we went after seeing the hotelier who remembered my name. Oh yes, there was someone from Japan in the book.
We walked round town + had a burger in Wimpy. She reckons it takes too long for me to have my
[Page 29]
cigar and complained all the time I was smoking it. We walked all the way to a bay miles away. I took some really nice photos though, I’ll have to buy some film. I got this pad and 3 postcards from a newsagent. I sent 2, 1 to oxfam and one for Liz to make up for the birthday that I didn’t know about.
The next image after this will be a file called 65.
[Page 30]
it. we came back and went out again which I’ve already written about. I wanted to say more but I’m going to run out of paper well, I’ve got a new pad. I’d better get ready for bed I suppose. Yasmine’s already gone and it sounds like she’s asleep. There’s no way, what so ever I can stay with her, the actual
[Page 31]
circumstance does not fit the request / petition, so I suppose the magick will still work and this escapade was a stop over. I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to write up tommorow, probably not, unless Yasmine goes out in the evening. That man we payed the money to gave us no receipt, wouldn’t it be funny if
[Page 32]
he pretended he didn’t know us.
Oh yes, there was a Chinese film on 4 last night, but I was too tierd to watch it. I think it’s working. With all these co-incidences. It can only work and work well. My meditation was disrupted, but I did what I could. I missed 1 day and couldn’t get in the posture, all turns out if
[Page 33]
you beleive. I’ll try to write up tommorow.
Date: Monday 31st August 1992
Time: 7:23 am.
Oh, I get the chance to wake up now because Yasmine is still in bed.
I’ve got £30 left but I suppose I’ll spend it today. (She just woke up, but ain’t moving). I was going to buy
[Page 34]
some jewelry but I don’t suppose I’ll have enough. I’m looking forward to going to the camera shop today. I need 2 or 3 films and I may buy an album. I definately won’t have enough. I may ask about a filter please. I wanted to buy some black and white film, but it’s all so expensive. We’ve got to vacate the room by 10am
[Page 35]
today and we’re going home tommorow. I haven’t told Yasmine I want to go to the garage again yet.
I enroll on Wednesday I think I’ve got it all sorted except french and I.T. / Computing clash so I dunno what I’ll do. I suppose computing will be the most sensible. I’ll have to have a think about it. I could even try for a teaching qualification that will let
[Page 36]
me work abroad! I’ll look in my books, I’ll have to read it up.
I am looking forward to that starting, but I suppose I’ll be terrified once I get there. (She’s speaking now).
The air has been very hard here, I dunno why, maybe because of the girl, mind you, sometimes I never think about it. I’ll probably get the suit some time this week, I’m now looking
[Page 37]
forward to that. I’ll have to get Mum to pay for ’em, and I’ll have an until Nov, she payed for most of this. Before I came away, Ann offered me £20 and I said no, that was Friday. I felt a bit bad [Diagram: Star of David] it was a baddish day generally, it was also the day I got my G.C.S.E. Results. I opened them in Beaties cafe. [Diagram: Star of David] another part of the magick came true
[Page 38]
when I realised I’d been given an A grade. Wow. All the times I’d magickally seen an A and I finally got a real one. Mr Crook (the tutor) told me to expect a B, so I suppose it really did work. I beleived in it right up to when I opened up the letter so I suppose that worked. I went down to the phones by volume one and
[Page 39]
rung up Mum to tell her and she sounded quite pleased, well, she sounded over the moon. Come to think of it she sounded over the moon. It’s nearly 8 now, so we only have an hour. I think I’ll have another smoke and then get packed up. I won’t get a chance to smoke while breakfast is
[Page 40]
we have to be out for 10 am. In only 2 days, but less than 24 hours I’ve used up the whole of my pad. I hardly did any visualising last night but I’ll make up for it tonight and I’ll also have a really good session. I’ll definately buy an album if the shop is open, it’s bank holiday Monday
[Page 41]
Wow, the second pad already. I don’t suppose I’ll be use all this one, it’s not like the one I did the magick in, I think it’s slightly posher. I’ve started this page now and I don’t know what I want to say. I was going to say this:- With the first 2 pieces of Magick that worked they came true I wrote the request, did very little visualising, and they
[Page 42]
spontaneously came true. I completely forgot about them, but I don’t know if I’d say I had “faith” in the end result. I suppose the truth is I never thought about it. I neither beleived or not beleived. I just completely forgot. I was going to try another small material goal to see what happened, doing exactly the same thing. I thought maybe she should
[Page 43]
be a point where you stop the magick and just wait for it to happen, like when I chuck the dolls in the sea, perhaps I should stop visualising I dunno know because these two pieces of magick worked, but also other pieces of magick came true also. I suppose the conclusion is the important thing is probably to beleive completely and not doubt, and to forget
[Page 44]
before the doubt. Even the magick for someone to live is working out now and I did that for well over a year. I suppose now I completely beleive, I always worried and doubted before. (Ys is getting up) I don’t think it hurts to keep visualising, as long as you mind is off it at other times. With the file’o’fax I did “as if” and I couldn’t really do it with the book. I think
[Page 45]
either carrying on or forgetting, it really matters not, as long as you completely beleive and forget in the day. With the file’o’fax I bought the ?refills and knew it was coming. Because I could just buy one I never doubted it for a minute. It’s all working now and is going to be O.K. The way I came into the occult was a really complicated slowly in the dark and
[Page 46]
finding success in the simplist method of operation.
I’ll do the Kaballah for Yasmine.
[Diagram: Kabbalistic grid of circles and arrows]
To much Geburah / Tiphareth – eg never wrong, too little Z, building + Yesod, inner foundations / beleifs. The [up arrow] also gives her her fixed
[Page 47]
philosophies and stops her learning [up arrow] [down arrow] stops her learning by ?linked / twisted logic.
Right, she’s up now so I’ll write off until perhaps later.
Later – 4:53 pm. – We’re just back from this harbour thing we went to. We left the hotel and they both wished us well. Up the road we looked in, this bloke here is really nice. The bay was beautiful
[Page 48]
and I think I’ve got some really good photos. The only thing is my camera broke on 3 films I’ve only took about 20 photos. I’ve got Yasmines camera to take one more film. It will be expensive to get them developed. I’ll have to do it through tripleprint, it will take a week but will only be just over a tenner. That’s not bad for the holiday, mind you, I still need an album, that’s another tenner. On the wall opposite there’s
[Page 49]
one of those scroll pictures made of bamboo strips that folds up, though it’s hung out on the wall. It’s of peacocks and has all chinese characters down the side. I think that’s a magickal co-incidence aswell.
We leave tommorow. It’s been nice to be away, but Yasmine is a very funny person. I’m upset about my camera, I don’t know how long that will take to fix.
Bed – 11:03pm Med – Missed, Yasmine in.
[Page 50]
Date: Tuesday 1st September 1992
T- 2:10- on coach.
1 Dream.
I’m in Bridport at the moment, we’re waiting a while. Yasmine sitting in the cafe, oh, I’ve just seen her coming over, she must be in the shop. She had a nightmare last night, I now remember her waking me up.
(and is).
[Page 51]
Med – 5E, Posture O.K. (1 Sept – Tues).
2 Sept – Med 3S. Post O.K.
3 Sept – Med ?not done but
broke my pencil, then bliss.
yesterday morning st I cut myself
on broken glass.
I I intent to all those
places
?Wednesday
[Postcard collage: NORTH CORNWALL]
[Page 52]
Date: Thursday 3rd September 1992
I’m back at Ann’s garage that is, she’s gone to the dentist and hairdresser. I’m just sitting in the lounge while I write this up. I haven’t written since the “red” bed and breakfast room, so I’ll do it now.
Yasmine thinks there was something strange about that room and I am inclined to agree with her. In the night she woke me up as she shouted as she came out of a nightmare. Very strange. As I fell asleep [Diagram: Star of David] I had a lucid dream. It started off (I think) seeing hypnogogic imagery and visualising myself
[Page 53]
into a scene. After a while it was a full lucid dream. Me and Yasmine in a sea front with me trying to take photographs. In the dream I dreamt I was making a film and had a large couldron and was putting all the ingrediants in. Then we were going round on a fairground type engine train.
INTERPRETATION – The couldron is my spell. The ingrediants is me making my spell. The train is setting off and the spell in operation and filming it is because I took photographs of all the spell working.
Yasmine and I had a
[Page 54]
row on the way back and she decided she was going to charge me rent. (Ann) just come back. (Oh I see, she’s coming back then going out again) (oh fuck, I’ll have to do this later).
Later – 4:54. Another dream.
I was at mum’s house with a towel over my groin, I was about to do some seance, but the door went. I went to it and Damien and Jason were there. They looked suspicious and I realised Damien Brown and Steven Valentine were hiding behind the wall. They came out (these yobs from school, but
[Page 55]
we are a friend though) and pushed their way in. I ran to the phone and we both of them was trying to stop me. I phoned the police. When I got through it was an answer phone. I almost gave Ann’s address, but gave mums in the end. They broke my window anyway, but then the police came. He got rid of them all and stood by the door. We saw some footballers running down the hill. He told me he could get me in a coffee morning to get me over the shock, but I would have been better to use the other residents to help rather
[Page 56]
than go to him. I asked him in for tea and he said O.K. Mum’s clothes were everywhere. He didn’t like my tea so he made another one.
(Dream). I was in a strange town with my “wife”. As I was walking along I saw a collage and felt really good because I would be able to apply now we were moving up there. A stones through away there was a Jamacian barbers shop.
INTERPRETATION – The yobs show the kind of life I am trying to get away from. Smashing the window means I can loose in one
[Page 57]
anymore. The window at the start is my magick. Calling the police means I need help, though from friends, not officialdom. The clothes is me trying to get my apperance sorted out. The tea probably means not getting in with Yasmine.
The first bit of collage is having a collage to go to. The Jamacian barbers is having my head shaved, because I also think black men look good without hair.
I’ve fell asleep and am just up. Ann’s still out so I am presuming she’s still at the hairdressers. I suppose I’ll have to go up to collage soon. I don’t
[Page 58]
really want to. I was trying to explain earlier but Ann interupted, and I dare say again she will. Still I’ll make a start. Wednesday morning I got up and packed my bags and left. Mum was stressed. I’d forgot a book Mum’s Asian boyfriend had lent her to lend me, I looked, but it was at Ann’s. I got to Ann’s and put my stuff in the garage. I went round town, put my films in Smiths and met her. We talked a while and her masseuse just “happened” to be there, the one who Mum kept wanting me to meet. She came over to say hello, held her hand out
[Page 59]
to be shook. Talked for a while and left. I was really mad and put out because it was obvious Mum had set the whole thing up. I didn’t say anything else and as good as told Mum I didn’t want to see her again. I next got the bus up to the centre and had tea there. It wasn’t much fun because I didn’t have this diary. I got to collage, filled a form in and there were queues everywhere, I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to be doing so I left. I suppose I’ll have to try to go up again tommorow maybe. I did the exact same thing last year, so what the fuck
[Page 60]
was I doing there? Still, I suppose I’ll try again. I feel awful at the minute. I’ve fell out with everyone. Mum I won’t see, money I won’t have any, collage I decided to go to by leaving Yasmine’s I’ve possibly worked against the house magick and this is my just reward. I feel bad about tonight. I have to walk up to collage. Then the fair is here so I may do that till 9:30/10:00. Then it’s in the garage, freezing cold, lonely, bored ect. It really is a horrible way to live. Ann’s going away tommorow so it’s only one more night, but it
[Page 61]
is just so horrible and boring. It means having no life what-so-ever. All the more reason to enroll at collage I suppose. If I did 1 more A-level I could also take one internally. The only thing is it’s evening, perhaps if I try to do a day course aswell. There’s so much more to say, but I don’t really have time. I may go to Kentucky tommorow, if I have time, and done. Really I should be gaining comfort from the exercise of as if. If I did 2 A-levels that’s only a couple of evenings a week and a real chance of uni-vers. other wise I’ll just have
[Page 62]
2 good grades in English, and perhaps Maths in the day, for something to do. I’ll go up now and see. I don’t want to, but I must. I just saw Ann coming down so I’ll write up tommorow / later / prob. tommorow. What I should be doing / feeling is knowing with an inner surety that everything will work. I’m expecting a sign soon to where I should go away to. Now she’s here I’d better go. Oh God, this really is awful, Tommorow I may collect my photos = £15, get an album £10 and go to Kentucky for the last time. Later in the week I could try and get sorted out
[Page 63]
once and for all. It’s nearly 20 to 6 now so I’d better get a move on.
[Diagram: A horizontal line of small, repeating abstract symbols, resembling astrological glyphs or shorthand]
Date: Friday 4th September 1992.
At Kentucky.
I’m just back from the camera shop and they reckon it will cost at least £46.00 to get fixed. I can’t beleive it. I have to take it to Dixons to see if the guarantee will be honoured.
I went up to collage yesterday and saw the tutor who used to do my A-level class since my GCSE English and I signed up for just that. I saw Lynn there who told me she only got a B! Unbelievable, what a shambles.
[Page 64]
The A-level is 3 hours Tues evening. On the way home I saw Jason Spatcher with his eye missing. He asked me to pick some beer up from aside K because he knew the bloke, then he stole it, I’ve just seen him again downtown. I just saw Kevin also, he passed with a L! well, I passed for him. I’ve been to work, the day went really quickly. I’ve got my photo’s back, but they’re not very good, I won’t use W.H.Smith again. Ann’s going away later, I may ask her to give me a lift up to collage. My course doesn’t start till the twenties-something. I don’t know what else
[Page 65]
to say. It’s nice to be here in Kentucky again. I’m still worrying but I think it will be better when I start collage, I have to have a pattern. It’s almost 4:30 pm now so I’ll have to get a move on to go see Sally outside, waiting for the bus. Matthew had enjoyed his holiday. Maria didn’t turn up.
Obviously, I’m still visualising, but I haven’t done the dolls for a while, I must re-start them in about due for another ribbon on there. I must get on with it. I may ring up about my book today. With me away the visualisation could come true I suppose. Though the A grade was O.K, but in Beaties. Perhaps I’ll get the
[Page 66]
certificate in the next 10 days. The Dracula owner’s coming down now. This is the last time I shall come here for ages. By the time I start collage my suit should be here.
I feel really upset about my camera. Even if Dixons do it it will take ages. I went to the fair last night and really wish I had it then. Perhaps it will come soon. I’ll let you know what happens with the visualisation. With Ann away I should get a fair chance to write here. I must check the astrology for the book when I get home.
[Page 67]
[Insert: Two printed business cards taped to the page for “ALEXANDRA HOTEL, 52/54 ALEXANDRA ROAD, ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL PL25 4QN”]
[Page 68]
[Insert: Printed hotel invoice from “ALEXANDRA HOTEL”, dated 29/8/92, for Room 8, 2 nights accommodation, Total £92.00]
[Page 69]
Date: Saturday 5th August 1992
At Ann’s.
T- 12:37 pm
I was eating in a restaurant, but I didn’t like somebody nearby.
I was in the garage and there were loads of little optic glasses with different spirits in them. I had a few and thought about later mixing them all up into one drink.
Then I was on a train with some people. We went to a place that was imaginary. It was mad made, with all props, but it was so real, with grass and a sandy beach, I didn’t know the difference.
INTERPRETATION. The person I
[Page 70]
that I’ll just go along but with a massive half hour it would grow worse and worse until it wouldn’t bother persevering but give in completely. It’s like in your putting your hand in a flame to learn to love pain. If you do it for just 10 seconds it will never work because you’d always be thinking, 8, 7, 6, well just 5 more seconds. If you hold it until it no longer hurts then you’d acheive your goal much quicker.
I got a lift to collage yesterday. I was really tierd and really didn’t go, when I looked in the leaflet I realised yesterday was the last day you could do it. I’d visualised
[Page 71]
myself enrolling last night. I had some back up. I went in and saw the man I’d seen for English, he enrolled me for A-level British and European Studies and the starter photography is still open, so I enrolled for that too! Excellent. I looked at my photo’s again and they’re not too bad, I’ll buy an album today.
[Insert: Printed exam results slip from “SOUTHERN EXAMINING GROUP” for candidate “[My legal name here]”, Subject “1182 PSYCHOLOGY”, Grade “ABSENT”]
[Page 72]
didn’t like at dinner was Yasmine, and the restaurant where we had our breakfast on holiday.
The optics in the garage could be all the little goals and wishes I have, perhaps saying I could be more decisive. The train is like the “man-made” scene is visualisation creating reality. I didn’t stay there long, but it was real, and indistinguishable from reality.
Meditation.
Yest 35
today 34.
[Diagram: Star of David] The meditation hasn’t changed on the surface, but it feels different now,
[Page 73]
I concentrate and let the mantra SPIN ITSELF. Not doing it consciously and not moving my lips. though I can feel it going round. Everytime my concentration slips I wonder where the hell my thoughts are coming from. Even though there’s been no improvement per se, I am now seeing the goal. 10 minutes doesn’t seem long enough so I may up it to 20/30 minutes. I think that way my mind would be forced to comply a bit. It will be much harder, I’ll start tonight and see if I get longer periods of concentration. I think ten minutes is too short because my mind thinks, well, ten minutes, I can easily stand
[Page 74]
Date: Sunday 6th September 1992 – 1:35pm
[Diagram: Circle with a dot inside] I was sleeping in a shop and I caught a burgler. Then I was at the beach with Liz. Then we saw Indians and she said Paki’s get everywhere.
INTERPRETATION – The first bit is about my accomodation problem. The rest is a thought that all are racist, well perhaps a many.
I’ve thought about the visualisation, the one for extra money you could do it (excuse the handwriting, I’m sitting cross-legged on the patio). It is to visualise white light pouring
[Page 75]
through the stations on the Kabbalah, bringing colour appropriately until you could see it circulating to the solar plexus, see it leaving real and strong it. Also you can visualise yourself as a ?god dealing with it, see yourself and give yourself wishes. Perhaps get statues of the gods to get yourself going more.
I re-read (again) the bit of practice in contacting the Demi-urge. This is the bit I spend about (in “Liberation of ?Self” ?per se I did. It says you can have a box in a box ect to represent the planes. Even fill the boxes in pictures of your desires. I’ve got a
[Page 76]
few ideas as to how I can do that to. (I’m going for a bath, I’ll write up ahead. I’m there! Anyway, I’ll buy some shoes, use the shoe box, next I put the dolls in an old box pens came in + I have the box from document/letter file already. I’ll buy some gold card and blue lining.
[Diagram: Three nested rectangular boxes labeled “document”, “shoe”, and “pen box”]
there’s ones but no two, I’ll write later.
Later – next day – 12:51 am.
Meditation 99.
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I earlier finished the meditation. It’s really hard now, but I think improving. I’m well on the way to the conquering of the mind things I’ve now mastered Asana. There’s a knack to seperating your mind from pain like learning to watch the pain, but not be a part of it.
As I meditated on the Yemaja’s mantra, I watched a half black, half white circle spin in my head with the mantra. My mind got bored with this and changed it to a bigger/smaller one, then put a picture of fields behind it. It really is very hard, but I have some sence of the goal Very good. I must write up that
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yoga from ages ago.
Getting back to the box. I need some glue + blue tack ect. but also gold card to cover it gradually. I can buy other things to put in there to. It’s gonna be great. I could also buy a box of chocolates, bigger than the pen box, but smaller than the shoe box, then there would be four, as is recommended. It’s a variation of my idea, but is perfect, really. I can use my little candlesticks in the + insence, get some little statues of gods + goddesses. It means all the photos I have in there now from the
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old shrine don’t just have to sit there. It’s perfect. Also space isn’t so limited now so I can buy more magazines for more pictures. I’ll have to ask Geoff for his travel brochures, the’ll be some good ones there + I’ll keep my eyes open from now on and perhaps buy one each time I’m down-town.
For some reason I’m feeling really good and optimistic at the moment. I have 0 A O-L at the moment, but it could be because of some small success in meditation. As if is brilliant, I really feel good about it. Wow. Crowley says somewhere
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(I think it’s Magick) that you haven’t even begun to master a mantra until you can start it when you go to bed and continue it until morning “which is easier than it sounds”, I hope so. When I’ve perfected this trick of half an hour more or less it will really be something. I suppose I’m nowhere near now. When I’ve more or less got it I will do it in bed. When I can hold concentration like that slipping into a dream will be easy. I can also get M.A.B.S effortlessly.
I understand cause + effect easy now. I know/see how we creates our own life
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completely through our own thoughts. I was always afraid of Karma, but now it’s such a comfort. Your present state is karma, your present STATE OF MIND!
[Diagram: Four Stars of David with different internal markings]
Your karma is your attitude, if it is thus you create reality.
DAMN.
I can’t think of anything else to say. I’m going to bed where I shall visualise a bit.
Oh yes I looked at the astrology. Thursday is a good day for communication. I shall ring up then if there isn’t a letter before. That could well be because that would fit the visualisation. Perhaps later
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today I shall set the alarm for 8:30am because thats when the heart goes out and the post is always in by then, well usually anyway.
P.S. I must start doing the mood sign, otherwise I’ll pack up and have nothing to measure myself by. Mood – 7
Date: Monday 7th September 1992
T – 4:42 M – 7.1 [Diagram: Circle with a dot inside]
I was robbing a bank and I made my escape on a push bike. I made it to Mum’s house but was worried I may be caught.
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INTERPRETATION – Dunno, perhaps it is, I dunno.
I’ve been re-thinking the idea for an occult school I had two years ago. With a book published and a computer it doesn’t seem too far away. I could set it up while I’m at university. There could be lectures and results, a medal for each grade, seperate courses with certificates in mystic arts ect. Membership ect with religious beleifs and lectures on. I could sell my own books and also have many seperate lectures / order papers. There’ll be lots of learning and writing to do and I can’t do it without a
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computer, but the lectures could form my books. Great!
I re-read Crowleys work on mantras. (I’ve just thought how [Diagram: Star of David] is with initiation, the pain of looking at life begin naked. You see it as it is, but eventually it disappears, like pulling a thorn from your side). I realise now that the correct way is to definately speed up the mantra as it is spinning. The way I do it, it is going too slowly. To speed it up very fast takes a VERY strong willed act of concentration. Every time you loose it the mantra will stop so the faster it goes the better it will throw your thoughts off. It is going to be really hard to be able to
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do that, but I have no choice now but to press on. When I have the goal it will be something really spectacular. Imagine complete concentration. Imagine all the things you could achive. Think how easy it would be to manipulate your thoughts.
I feel really good now, but don’t know why. It may be because I have my juice about to begin, it may be the mantra or because life is good. I genuinely know my goal is coming true and no longer dwell on it. I’m not sure what I’m doing this but we will see. I’ve just washed my hair and I’d usually be really depressed ect now with all the grease + dandruff I’d
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washed out but I feel O.K. Wow.
I have no idea how long it takes to master a mantra. When I do it it seems so hard, but before and after I understand the goal and am resolute that I shall achive it. I’m going up to visualise now and even that is better.
I’ll go to centre to later, then I may have some blue tack so I can make a start on the box for the dolls. I remember how I ruled ages ago, but plastering my walls in pictures of the inaccessable parts of the occult I was drawn deeper into it. It will be like that. The pictures can stay up permanently,
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rather than as a temporary shrine as I had before. I’m going to write up a smalle list so I can buy things from local shops to put in there. I must get my camera working so I can record it though. It will be permanent until Christmas so there’s no mad rush, though I must admit I feel naked without it.
I’m really looking forward to getting the boxes sorted out. I’ll have to wait until Ann gets back to see if she’ll buy me some shoes.
40!
11:55am Tues.
A short discourse on:-
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Y O G A (at last)
The 8 limbs of yoga are:
1, Yama 2, Niyama
3, Asana 4, Pranayama
5, Pratyahara 6, Dharana
7, Dhyana 8, Samadhi.
Yama – Control / Morality.
Dropping all irrelevance and attachment to society. Talking back would be an element / exercise of this (in my own system). Basically a respectness and not taking part in irrelevant things like politics or debates without seeds or purpose. basically everything I have already done in and will be in my second book, practical initiation, now in my head soon on paper.
Niyama – Virtue.
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Perseverence through the problems of each planet. Carrying on when it goes wrong (which it will) and is hard (which it is).
Asana – Posture.
Basically as I have also now discovered each time you sit down to remove “You” from pain in a dissociation, thus conquering the body.
Pranayama – Control of breath.
To conquer the lower emotions.
results of pranayama. ridigidity, sweat, jumping, levitation.
Pratyahara – introspection, sudden insight like I keep getting now and writing down.
Dhyana – Meditation. Constant mind to a single object.
Notices of breaks in concentration.
Remembering earlier events.
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2, Daydreaming.
3, Thinking of the meditation itself.
4, Hallucinations.
Other indian words.
Sat – being. beleiving an object to be real.
Chit – Knowledge – pretending it’s an object of knowledge (what it is).
Ananda – BLISS. Pretending you’re influenced by the object.
Zoroaster.
Pleroma – a void of possibility’s filled by the supreme light of God (sounds like your mind). 7 archons, 7 planets, in turn constitute a demiurgue.
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Dharana – Persevering with the tedium of meditation.
[Diagram: A small square connected by a line to a rectangle with a dot inside]
A painting I was of meditating from the mind to the world. You don’t do magick with your eyes open.
Right, that’s that. I must get up and do mine now, meditation that is, then I have to do some ironing.
Date: Tuesday 8th September 1992
[Diagram: Circle with a dot inside]
I had a gun in a hotel room.
MEDITATION – Novelt.
Last night Med – 99. Very bad. Posture badly broken.
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The meditation is very hard over half an hour. The speeding up of the mantra is definately a good idea. I spinn it very fast but it still circulates at the old speed in 2 rythmns.
[Diagram: A circle made of small circles, an arrow pointing to it labeled “1st cycle fast”, next to a larger plain circle labeled “2nd cycle, slow”]
It takes complete concentration to be able to do it. Without concentration it either stops spinning or just becomes an unintelligent rambling where you can’t hear the sylabels. I think with half an hour it’s too long and I am waiting for the end and the temp-tation for time wasting is too strong. I shall continue with 10 minuits, but with a real effort
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to achive the goal.
Mother never rang. I don’t know if I was supposed to go there that Ronnie is away this week so there’s another woman on Tuesday. Well, Mum rang up for Geoff Sunday so I spoke to her then, but there was no mention of eating. That means I’m completely fucked. I’ll have to buy all the books for English ect on my own. I have enough money at the moment because Geoff bought some cigars from abroad and that’s saving alot. Anyway, perhaps I’ll see her another time. I told her about my courses.
The as if is still good. I went to Dixons yesterday but the boxes of
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chocolates were too small. I’ll buy one tommorow. I’ve got these two chinese things to watch, I can sort most of the box out then, while eating most of my chocolates. Actually I could do that in the morning and ring both the publishers in the afternoon, before I go to bed. If I get a definate yes I could drink the champagne, except I don’t have my camera to photograph it. I’ll have to wait and see. I suppose it wouldn’t be too bad if I used my compact, just this once. Maybe if I ring a few places tommorow I could get it looked at there and then and have it for
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Thursday. I don’t see why not. It may not completely need a part so I could get it done on the spot. I’ll have to see. If not, the compact is better than nothing. I can do a few colour and wait for the SLR, then do off a few black and white of me + I’ll keep the champagne bottle and I’ll be able to do a few then. I’ve got quite a few colour shots that need taking just now. I’ll have to make a list here in the back.
Date: Wednesday (now thurs 10th Sept 92).
T – 12:22 am. [Diagram: Circle with a dot inside]
I was off on a trip. We went to an island
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with just one tree on. I sat in a car up a street on a another island holding Alison Bremners hand (a girl I used to like years at lower school, used to have a horse called Alexander as I recall). Next I was on a ship with Kevin Richards, my some time best friend from upper school. It was a great big tankard. People shouted to me in the bar holding him the rum, that they wanted to see our passes. I didn’t have one so Kevin lent me his reserve. It was a torn stamp with a yellow card to stick it on. Next we’d arrived in Vietnam. Our tour guide was an oriental
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woman who kept burning her lips with a lighter, but it didn’t appear to hurt her. Kevin lent me his pass (it was a I think a sports maga or in magazine) and I accidentally ripped it. Next we were down the alley near Ann’s looking for a madman. A psychiatrist had come to help us, until I realised it was the psychiatrist himself that was mad. I went to a nearby garage to hide and the boy who owned it let me go through his house to escape. I commented on how nice the oriental pictures on his walls were.
I went next to Ann’s shop,
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from yasmines with a suit-case. She sold me some Optima photographic film.
INTERPRETATION – The island is a lonely childhood, consoled by holding the hand of a girl I knew from pre-school days. On the ship is my occult journey to escape my past. The stamp is hard magickal effort. The vietnamese tourguide is my goal. The mad-man is probably me and I run away from that fact. Oh dear, I wish I didn’t have to say this. I attempt to achive incorrect/unbalanced magickal goals to supplement my deficient personality. The boy letting me through his house is
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my hidden, because the pathway was the same as in the red + breakfast room. So it refers to the co-incidences I’ve had so far.
Going to Ann’s is leaving Yasmine. Optima film is me buying compact because I’ve broke my camera. I almost bought that exact film at a beach on holiday. It may mean I’ll soon need more film to record more. I think in conclusion, the dream points me to be aware of the imbalance, so that the goal works I will have the experience to correct my personality.
Meditation. Yesterday 13+.
Today 13.
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The meditation was much better. It takes alot of concentration to keep up the “knack” of the mantra spinning so it’s still recognisable while not just forging into a sylabletic blur. It’s a full moon soon I think so I’ll perhaps start training myself to do it as I fall asleep to see if I can continue it past the hypnogogic period. I’ll see why the full moon is. Could fall asleep clutching my beads to remind my personality what I’m doing.
I fall asleep again this morning. I’ve done the
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box I need only so I should start again. Today’s the day. I’m going to phone the publishers. I’ll go downtown at 8. I’ll buy food + chocolate and see if there’s any thing decent for my pyramid then I shall stick all my pictures up. I think Geoff will, Ann, has chucked out the brochures. I must buy some more spot, I left it in with that strawberry in my bedroom so I could buy some of that or perhaps orange, which is ruled by the sun. Rose is it’s own might be nice, I’ll see when I get down
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there. Perhaps if I burn some incense in the room for when I’m visualising, I think I associate strawberry with Ann, perhaps that’s best. I can perfume the whole of the dolls and the inside of my box with it. It will then be good to wear while I’m reading my goal.
Today I’ll live here from town eat my chocolates while I sort the box + put up the pictures. I shall watch my Chinese videos and then ring up afterwards. Yes it’s perfect. I shall put the champagne
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bottle on the table to get myself going. I’ll have to use my compact night buy some black and white film for it after all. We’ll see. After that, depending on the result and moon phase, I shall go to bed and do the mantra.
Date: Thursday 10th September 1992
T – 10:04 – In lounge.
I went to bed late and Ann woke me up an hour later to ask me when I had a sausage. You beleive that or not, but I swear it’s true.
I spent the day as I planned
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I went to town and was in a fantastically good mood. I bought my stuff. I saw Mary Sale wanderer in the alley, she looked ill and should eat something.
I got home and watched my Chinese videos. I can’t explain it but when I watched the documentary of the cultural revolution + Mao Tse tung + Jang Ching I was overcome by unexplanable emotion and cryed my eyes out. Very strange.
Afterwards I rang the publishers. At Ashgrove press, Tina Ryan was out but I looked at the astrology and [Venus symbol] [Trine symbol] [Sun symbol] is today and tommorow.
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Next I rang Eileen Campbell at Thorsons. The line was busy so I was put on hold, peak rate for 7 minutes. Finally I got through. I told her it took 6 months. She said she’d go see if the other editor was in. She was at lunch. She went to get the book for me where all the post is written in. She saw it was booked in with two reminders. She said there was a host of rejection letters to go out so it could be there, or it may even have gone on to the commissioning editor. She said she’d get her to ring back when she got in from dinner. I read my photographic magazine for a while. She rang back at
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3:53pm. She said it had GONE ON TO THE COMMISSING EDITOR and they will write to with a decision soon. Apparently they’ve lost the slides and asked me what the packaging looked like. I don’t beleive it, the editors looking at it now, it’s GONE ON. They said exactly, the’ll inform me of a decision soon! They may even think of a decision tommorow and write so I could get it Saturday. I don’t know how long it takes them to think up these things take. Wow. I don’t beleive it. I can’t beleive I’m this far. I don’t know what else to say. (that I always
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say that). The waiting now is going to be even worse I don’t know, I haven’t any idea how these things are done. I don’t know if I should now ring Ashgrove, I suppose I should because the astrology is right. I have to use some faith. I may use the I-ching. There’s nothing else to do + wait, I feel very close to it now, that will be another goal in my belt, Oh please. YES, it’s all coming now.
Date: Friday 11th September 1992
T – 5:22 pm. Lounge.
I got to sleep O.K, last night and woke up around eightish.
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You’re not going to beleive this: I was going to phone Ashgrove after work but when I came down there was a large letter from Bath. Unbelievable. I’m afraid it was a straight rejection. Now there’s only Thorsons left. I put the Ashgrove letter in my display book and now there’s just one page left. The very last page in the very last page for the very last letter. I don’t beleive this. Talk about Agony. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just read that one little letter. I’m dying for it. Oh dear, I hope it is soon. I went to buy
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A folder today by means of relief, but I couldn’t find one I like.
I was thinking about those slides they lost. They aren’t very good, maybe that’s lost them so they can’t see the quality of them and give them the benefit of the doubt. I dunno. Thinking about it rationally it could be another couple of weeks until I hear, I don’t know. It’s only a week or two until I go to collage and only a couple of weeks until I’m two months in work, which is when I can expect something. Perhaps these two things will
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co-incide I don’t know.
I’d rather lose it sooner than later tommorow rather than later. This is killing me. I suppose if it’s yes they have to get contracts drawn up. Perhaps it takes time. The editor said the’ll let me know soon, I’ll just have to continue with “as if”. BELEIVE. I’m doing my best. I wouldn’t have thought it’s too long.
Oh no, Ann’s back soon. Something will work out. The magick has too because I see myself typing up in a flat / my own place. I must still know Mum, perhaps she’ll ring up soon. I think she’s
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leaving it to me to make the first move.
I’ve been worrying the up was the sour of the sweet ‘n’ sour.
At Oxfam today it was Matthews last day because he has too much homework and Maria’s broken her arm. She fell over roller skating apparently.
Well that’s it, I’ll just have to wait.
Date: Saturday 12th September 1992
T – 1:21 am. [Diagram: Circle with a dot inside] lounge.
I went to the train station and bought a ticket for London Euston. I knew it was really late, about half 11 o’clock and was a
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bit disapointed, but thought I could at least drop in at Hyde Park
INTERPRETATION – worried I may be achiving my goals too late.
I’m not up long. I’ve just had some breakfast. The moon looks very full today. I’ll have to do the ritual.
Date: Sunday 13th September 1992
[Diagram: Circle with a dot inside]
Mum + Yas joined Oxfam, so I decided to leave.
INTERPRETATION – About falling out with them.
Oh dear, it’s Sunday. That means Ann’s back today.
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Geoff’s just left now to go and fetch her. I expected him to wake me up but he didn’t. In fact before he went Geoff wanted to know what my plans are. He wants to speak to me later tonight or later in the week. I may go to Burgerking to while away the hours. Because I got up so late theirs no way I will sleep tonight, so I may have to stay up meditating ect. until she’s in bed at say 1/2, then come in. I can go out first thing in the morning.
Geoff’s put the camera in my room so I will do it in about 2 days, which is good.
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Ann didn’t go away for ages, and when she does the painters and decorators will be doing the house so it’s two months minimum until her house is free. Something will turn up, the magick will work. Med – 24.
I suppose there could be a letter tommorow. They probably will think it over the weekend and I would guess they’re most likely to send it mid-week for me to receive it now they would have to send it on Saturday. I don’t think that is very likely.
I was going to ask Ann for a pair of
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shoes as a gift so I could use the box. I’ve just looked in the kitchen and for some reason Geoff’s left 2 boxes on the side for me to “throw out! Amazing! That’s a certain a sign preceeding a certain event”. I’ll take a photo to record it. I’m really looking forward to later on, but it has to be this way for a while. I’ve got loads to do and it was a full moon LAST NIGHT. I’ll put another ribbon + write out the goals today. That way the next 4 full moons until the spell is complete. I’m adding the material goals of a C.D. Player, computer to the
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ones I already have, I may get a chance to write up later. I must start using the sugar again, the fantasy is creeping back!
Date: September 14th 1992 T – 1:51 am.
I’m not in a very good mood today. There was a film on Tampa Story at 11:10pm so I set my watch, but the alarm didn’t go off so I couldn’t tape it. Mind you, now I think of it it could be the sweet ‘n’ sour because something good has just worked out. Geoff went out + came back with £100 from Mum. Just as I’m down to my last £10.
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Perfect. That should keep me going for a while. She said to go and see her for the next installment. which probably means she not going to see me in the week anymore, still, at least I’m alright for money now. I may buy a torch or lantern, I’m not sure.
Possible post today, though more likely later in the week. I think my courses start next Monday. I must ring that through to confirm. I’ll ring that through and choose + do the correspondence school. I must start the writing course again and buy an exercise book to do the Sociology in. Actually I better ring up to check
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I can do the exam again, + get my file’o’fax sorted out.
I’ll go out early today, though I’ll wait for the post. I’ll go up to the centre first, then walk to town. Actually if I leave early I could go to Michaels centre. We’ll see. Right, I’ll go and visualise now. God knows what I’ll do all day. Perhaps I need a job. I could go to Oxfam maybe.
Date: Monday 14th September 1992.
T – 4:04 pm.
I had a dream but I’ve only got an intuition of it now. I went to sleep and was up late. This is silly,
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I’m definately not coming home tonight. Ann’s giving up the front room and I’m going to the centre later. I may buy a torch. I could do with one. It would be more expensive use with batterys, but I could just use it to get around in the dark and use candles to read by ect.
I must do the meditation later. I’ll come in early, but I’ll be dressed up and will go straight out. Going to sleep late in the afternoon. I’ll have to leave a note for Geoff not to bother me.
There wasn’t any post, obviously. I mean none at all. I suppose that’s a good sign they’re obviously looking
at it They are still looking at it so they could decide later and send it today or my money is still on mid-week. The thing was obviously set aside because when I rang up Eileen Campbell sounded really surprised when I said it had been there six months, she even repeated it to make sure she’d heard properly. Next they looked for the slides which they hopefully haven’t been able to find. There has to be something soon. I’ll see.
I really don’t know what else to say. It’s going to be freezing in the garage but should be a little easier with a torch.
I’m not looking forward to walking home in the dark tonight. That will be horrible. Perhaps I should buy a cape or something. I dunno.
Well I’ll go and get ready. I wish I could convey my feelings about the book. I suppose I’ll have to just try to and use as if. Perhaps it will help if I buy the folder tommorow. I’ll wait in for the post perhaps I’ll get a chance to tell myself not to wake me up if I’m gonna get early. I might go to the centre wednesday to see B.H.S. but we’ll see. Mum might be there, I’ll find out I thought. I’m off!
Time: 6:26 pm. At Tesco’s.
I am here I think I said mostly what I wanted to say at the house.
My wrist has slipped a little. I’m fantasising far too much. (I’ve just watched a woman opposite ?slap her child some, unbelievable)
I’m looking forward (She’s just looked over, talk about violence and I’m such a coward wouldn’t say boo to a goose. bigger than her)
I was going to write about the swans. Nature has to preform swans and all animals – plants follow the pattern of the seasons blown in winter. They live year in year out living with the cycles.
I’m still upset about that calm I missed last night. I feel quite close to my goals now. I must stop fantasising about them. each time I do I move a little further behind, back. (I think I’ll go straight to the Silly home) and remind myself I’ll do these things for real soon. There’s no need for fantasy I believe. The garage won’t be so bad if I can find a torch downstairs in the supermarket. I’ll maybe get some candles too.
I really do believe these goals are going to work out. Any one could materialise at any moment. The way that money arrived on last night. I had no inkling what-so-ever. It’ll probably be like that with the others, I believe, but have forgotten and suddenly and without warning it’s there. I’ll knock me for six I tell you.
It’s a year now since I started sitting here in this cafe. It seems longer I can tell you. It holds a fair few memories. All the people I’ve seen in here. All the thoughts I’ve had and the words I’ve written. There was a thing on T.V. yesterday about Reading I remember time I was resolute I’d have my goals by then. Mind you, I’d had no success then.
This place here is really empty at night. I don’t know why they bother to keep it open. It’s pathetic really, still I’m glad they do. I haven’t got an idea what I’ll do tommorow I’ll almost certainly stay in for the post. Oh dear, it may even not be this week. They almost certainly thought, or more likely, talked about it today. I could really do with that special project to keep me going. I’m tempted to worry about the book, about how it could have been better, I’ll just have to forget and believe. Maybe tommorow. I’m dying for the toilet Right, I’m off.
Date: Tuesday 15th September 1992
Time: 7:22 pm At Burgerking –
With no screaming children.
I had a really long dream, but it’s written down at home I remember it was something to do with college and goals but I don’t remember what.
YESTERDAYS MED – 15.
I wanted to write about the meditation because a subtle, but important change has occured. (An older couple have just come and sat down infront of me). (How awkward). I did it last night in the garage and noticed a stronger effect at this development, though it’s been gradually improving for a while.
[Doodle: Star of David] You remember ages ago I would do the mantra really slowly and on each revolution I would re-affirm my concentration, so it didn’t slip? Well, now I spin it so fast such slow affirmations
would be impossible. The next subjective development is extremely difficult to explain. (I suddenly feel uncomfortable I note people sitting infront of me like that). (The woman gone so I’ll be ok – I lied). It’s like when I’m meditating, I used to re-affirm my concentration, that would slip (how the hell can I put this) now I spin the mantra, watch it go and I can… Well….. bring the concentration forward and just watch it constantly, I can’t think of any other way to put it. I keep re-affirming until now it’s just there. My thoughts start to encroach, but I kind of hang on to the concentration. Of course it sometimes slips, but like is much better. It now feels as if I am, for the 1st time in my life, in control of
my thoughts. Even now when I walk around I feel happy to be alive. As a thought arises in my mind I kind of have control. It’s like for years there’s been a dripping tap in my mind though I’ve never known [Doodle: Star of David] It’s just invisibly hurt me like the Chinese water torture dripping through my soul. Now, all of a sudden I’ve found the tap by looking inside and by the lubricant of concentration, have oiled and loosened it. Now I can turn it on or off at will. With this power I am in control of my own mind. of nature. I AM NOW IN CONTROL OF LIFE ITSELF as life is self-creating.
All this is very good and I will continue. I’m afraid as it slipped again I have the razor and will definately cut.
College starts next week. It’s supposed to be sunny tommorow so I must stay awake. God, I’ll have to go to the hair dressers soon. I must write about my image. I dreamt last night I looked in a mirror and was pleased.
Another thing I did last night in connection with the book was symbol projection. There was no letter today. In an earlier letter the publisher call themselves aquarian and have a simple logo of red flames dancing on blue waves of fire over water – plus.
My [Doodle: Zig-zag line with ‘red’ written above it, over a wavy line with ‘blue’ written below it] Aquarian.
Last night in bed I etherically saw the complementary logo of orange & green and went through it. I found myself in an office. There was light furniture and it seemed simple and bright. I saw an image of a blonde woman so I posessed her and made her accept my book. Next I found my manuscript and formulated a sylph and told it to watch & influence the person who’s reading it. If there’s nothing in the post tommorow I shall buy orange, red, blue, white card and make up a symbol proper. I shall go through it daily and perform various operations
to ensure it’s acceptance. I will wait in till the post, then definately go out, no matter what. I keep on saying this, but I mean it. I’ll get dressed up ready, even with my shoes on, straight after the meditation. I have to be in the right pattern for college anyway.
It’s the garage later (about 8.05pm) (There’s a bloke behind me, you should hear the imbecilic way he’s talking to his son) (They’re leaving). (They’ve gone)
There’s not much else to say. I need some sleep. I got a torch. £12! Wow! Still, I sat in my car last night. I must get my magick box sorted out I’m
going. Still using my camera! with 35mm.
Later – Wed – 2.47am. Loungue.
[Circled 1] (I record the dream)
I was at home; I realised I was late for college so I ran. As I went down the garden I realised I’d forgot my keys so an alien in the house chucked them to me, but I looked at the key and realised it was the wrong one. A girl let me in but it was ?silly I saw some people and thought, they had a learn Japanese book, but it was a German one. I went to a house
to look for something. I knew the bloke, owner from college. I looked round. In the bathroom I intuitively knew a murder had been committed their in Victorian times. I think earlier a girl lent me a bag because it had a map that could show me where the courses were, in the end Yasmines came in & kissed me.
INTERPRETATION – [Circled 2] Hmmmm
This is about starting college. The Aliens is me feeling like an alien in Ann’s house. The wrong key means I wish to not be in the garage. The map means finding my way, perhaps college will help. I don’t know what Japanese – German is. Maybe I’m learning incorrectly to find my goal at college
[Printed Insert: A full-color Burger King menu spread featuring the text “YOU WANT VARIETY… You got it.” with pictures of various burgers, fries, and desserts.]
perhaps it’s because I intend to use the bus to travel. Yes, ‘cos the map was in a bag. The house was Yasmines house, saying it didn’t work out (because she rang up the other day). I’m going up to visualise ?Tuval.
Date: Thursday 17th September 1992
I’m feeling a bit sentimental I fell asleep again, but I was up early enough to make it to town, where I bought some coloured card I wish I had my camera because I could photograph the result. Still, I’ll get it eventually. I’ll just have to wait. I’ve cut out the symbol for Aquarian
in it’s true colours and reversed. I’m pleased with the result because it really feels like what it symbolises what it is, I’ve seen the logo so many times. Later I shall go through it with a salamander to give the rituals enthusiasm, I may also inscribe something on wood or stone to carry as a talisman, oh I dunno. Perhaps the’ll be something in the post today. Oh no! I’ve just had the idea of making a small coffin for the voodoo dolls out of balsa wood and glue. I could perhaps cremate the whole lot at christmas and just throw a casket into the sea. Maybe in
Chinese New Year, I dunno, I’ll have to see where I am.
I forgot to say, yesterday at circle K I saw Johnathon Pyne whom I used to work with at the dreaded factory, he was in the phone box.
On the way downtown I saw Simon Hamilton. He said he’d moved out near me. He also said Jason Spatcher got his scar from a car crash, not knife fight. Apparently Jason Price is driving now. Darren saw him in a Lada! oh, the shame.
Well, I was ?accosted by a young drunks who shouted at me on the way home
then I saw Darren Tierney outside the Spar, though just a nod hallo, I didn’t stop to talk. I went to the library earlier and got a book about travel photography. It’s making me so homesick.
I must meditate and do the tattvas today.
I’ve got a limited edition picture disc of John Lennon and Yoko Ono at ?home I’ve dug it out. I’m going to dig out my sea urchin shell kits in the art shop so I can make it into a clock. It will be good for as if. I still haven’t sorted the box out yet, I’ll have to get going.
Right, I’m going to do the tattvas now.
Tattavas working.
Outer – Red, blue symbol [Doodle: Crown/zig-zag over a line]
I was in the same office as last night. I breathed life into salamander here & there & released it. I then downstairs to the manuscript & put salamander in it. I symbolised Astral body a pinkish, ?glowing and sat back to sleeping self. I cut a door, and pulled back the light in the walls & instructed it to have the book accepted.
Later 7:41 pm At Burgerking
I came in here because I thought the staff were different but then the same manager saw me. I hate that. If the people keep seeing me sitting/hiding like
this they will conclude I am a lonely and sad individual, heaven forbid. There are some strange boys outside staring at me, still, I’m gonna sit here no matter what. It’s always in here I meet or come across strange people.
Last night I think the tattvas went well. Tattwic training is definately a precurser to ASTRAL PROJECTION as well as clairvoyance.
Beeing here then have you probably guessed I fell asleep again, this state of affairs is pathetic. I ran out of the cigs Aunt gave me today, but Ann gave me a fiver in coins so I’m O.K. There was no post either obviously. This is a silly state of affairs I must
banish this from my mind. There are only a couple more mornings that it can possibly come to be this week. This longer period can only be good news. I feel good about the symbol I shall buy a folder tommorow regardless, It will be good as if. If it isn’t here saturday it will all happen next week then because that’s when I start college, also Monday Sunday I shall have a last day of decadence up the centre, then Monday I’ll have my hair done & I’ll go to the cinema in the after noon. I don’t know what I’ll do for
the rest of the morning, sit in the library probably. (The kids have gone now) I’ll know a lot more by this time next week. I’ve just looked at the remaining pages and it looks as if I’ll have to buy a new Diary tommorow as well. Wow! This has lasted less than two months. It’s quite thick as well. I may buy a big one again, and use my fountain pen. You can fit so much more in these things. Though I’ll look in bookcase because they often have nice, big, ruled ones that are cheaper with good pictures on the cover I’ve never had one like that
before (oh Jesus, I sound like a child at christmas) Yes, I’ll defo buy one in bookcase if they have an appropriate one. I’ll have to tie my fountain pen to it so I don’t lose it. I bet I’ll be skinted for week, but there’s not much I can do, shit, I Must ring college. Also I haven’t signed on yet.
I’m going home now. I’m not going to mess about, straight up to meditate, then the mantra + Aquarian symbol. I don’t know what I’ll do with that today. I suppose I could just go through the reversed symbol and implant elementals in that. Later I could release my astral body to go and press the
influence the person reading it. I don’t suppose I’ll come to B.K. much now. I remember to sit and I was, suicidal and depressed. It was full of students. I got a letter from college to The history tutor has died. Now the course will be British Social and economic history from 1725 (isn’t that around the civil war?) The was a form to claim a refund, but beeing I didn’t pay I don’t think I’ll complain. Right, I’m going home, (out buy some coke). (Train clearing the tables)
LATER
Date: Friday 18th September 1992
In loungue 2.22 am.
I’m back from Burgerking.
I forgot to say that just before the flowershop up towards Durhams from my house, I saw David Sandes coming out of a house, He waved but I looked away because I didn’t recognise who it was, then I realised and said Hallo, I do seem to be seeing alot of people recently. God knows why. Simon talked about his house. perhaps it’s all part of as if. No, I mean co-incidences. Right. I’m feeling a little down because of sentimentallity and the thoughts of lost chances. This is the time to cut as if. Still, I’m a little blue.
I’m working later Freemans
have a new catalogue out, I must get it. Also I’ll have to start going round the banks to see what kind of bonds they offer, and get details of saving accounts. I must also sign on today, which I’m not looking forward to, I must admit.
I visualised earlier but I got too tired or depressed. I’ll do a little more later. I’m looking forward to buying that book. I also have college to think of. I did have that dream saying it wasn’t related to my goals, but who knows how the hell these things
work? I will definately go to B.H.S on Wednesday, oh though, I dunno ‘cos I’ll have my hair cut by then, so come to think of it I’ll have to see how I feel.
I’ll have to get my NUS card sorted. I’ll get the photo monday and definately sort it tuesday.
I was just about to write that I could do with re-assurance that my goals will work out, but that just shows a need for as if. If I had achieved all my goals, this very moment, I wouldn’t be thinking like this
now. THAT’S the thought to be concentrating on. I can hear Ann getting up I’ll just have to use as if and refuse to believe my goals haven’t come true. Later I’ll have to sort out my signing card and fountain pen. I think Ann is coming down. Yep here she comes. Oh damn.
I must note how my resolve to stay in the garage has been given away, mostly because of, well, laziness (she’s here) (It’s been thundering and the dogs upset. she’s gone back to sleep now). I think my resolve broke down mostly because I can’t settle
write a book with a fountain pen so I can make a book.
I’ll do the mantra in a minuit, also I’ll go through the reversed symbol and record the results of the vision.
Oh, I feel so sad. I MUST do as if. I’ll meditate, then cast love spells, then visualise until light, that’s best. YES. I’m upset because basically I don’t have the goals YES YES YES YES YES
Well, if my visualisation is as good as real I can go ‘inside’ and gain comfort from my own reality. That will be good because my pictures
will then have emotion if the’ll be exact visualisation. It will cure depression + The pictures will be better because I’ll be visualising what I’d really be doing as if I really will be doing WHAT I visualise then Most excellent.
Yest med 14 Today 12
Reversed Aquarian Tattwa:-
I went through + there were 2 doors. I went in one, down a funnel and ended up in blackness, looking nothing worked much until I came to a huge orange glow. I sensed winged Mornings color. I forced a crown
into the by backing it into existence. I asked for the power that, the ancient power, that uses Aquarian press to pub. Received it I, I don’t I told the gnome to go to town and see my book bought to author & one look up. I vibrated Adonai and a halo then guide came one took me through the other door & we were out in space. we flew until we came to the earth. We saw to a book. I sat in. A man & woman were talking. They spoke words I didn’t understand. I came out, thanked the guide & came back. Good.
Date: Saturday 19th September 1992
I went to work today. I nearly didn’t go because I was so tierd, Liz is away but I forget so luckily I made it. There was obviously no post. I suppose something could come today, if so I shall open it in B.H.S or maybe Beatties.
Maria was in really early, at around 12:30pm so it was great to have a good talk to her. Vera came in because Matthews left now.
I went on to town, the occult shop ect. I went to the art shop, It had the clock set there but it was £6.99. That’s a little bit too much I think I’ll think about it.Neither Delta or bookscene have the nice diaries anymore I’ll have to have a good look around all the shops today As a last resort I’ll have to get a full sized one from colemans. cant think where else I’d get one well, I’ll try anyway The folders were hard to find too. The nice ones dont have that tie ones that do are rubbish. I went to sign on. Infront of me was an Indian family. I heard him saying how he sometimes weeps in his bed. When I sat down I saw the man in his early 50s Hamilton. I recognised A voice. Thats SIMON! Oh no, he s been searching someone else to sign on for him. Down the other end I could see Steven Pinder whom I knew working + smirking from new year, he was showing a new girl how to do the job. He ordered her with real authority. I’ll never get over that boy. He whoused to sit next to me in maths and have a laugh with is working in the benefits office. seems so strange. Over there, the “red section” (I was in the blue) there was a girl signing on who looked just like clare. The resemblance is very uncanny, mind you, I often think that of females its silly really but I remember each one seperately. To me anyway, each one could almost be her. You must think I’m bonkers, but I can’t help it. She looked so petit and lonely I remember someone similar years ago called Phen on the U.B.40 when I signed on with Jason I don’t know if they’re the same. Could well be It’s now I realise recently anyway how deeply I’ve been affected by her. fair enough I was upset at the time, but from then up until now a scar has been left running deeply so deeply it still affects my thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if I should admit it, but my goals also. I can’t get that womans face out of my mind. I wonder if it was Phen ? It seems strange it all happened as I signed and saw Simons signing. well Simon’s doppleganger Co-incidence ? – Maybe Maybe Not (She was so small)
[Section divider: horizontal line with a small cross in the middle]
Well that’s the end of another diary God, they’re mounting up now Such is a record of magickal attainment. It’s hard to beleive I only started in the start of August I suppose those notes I stuck in took up alot of space. When
I started it it was was just as I was starting to sleep in the garage I suppose a fair amount has changed since then the start was, in part, Characterised by depression; now I remain, USUALLY feel good. That’s different. I’ve acheived well in meditation It is working better than ever now adays and I’ve signed on ready for college, and thrown a holiday in to boot! I shall probably go to BHS later whatever happens with the post. I dunno if it was / was actually open it in Beatties in keeping with the A-levels / G.C.S.E [Symbol: circled A]. and the spirit of the magick. It’s 9:ish now so with 1/2 hrs to wait I see what happens. I must let this pen out.
I’ll Kill for her! She will devour them all.
Ann had cleaned up yesterday when I got here + seen all my private stuff, especially boxes, skulls, rune ring. I must get back into the garage. Ann told me yesterday she s gonna clean it up today so I’ll have to go down now and tidy it up Hopefully it will
only five help me now. I’ll have to think about the clock I am definately looking forward to the diary though that really will be something nice to have, especially if I can find one with a nice picture on. We’ll have to wait and see
Right. AS IF
_Believe_
The 14 15 Miling about town. Next week, 15 is big one. My hair, letter, College year, I’ll have alot to do and in a new book. Until then Goodbye. There’s nowhere to go, perhaps write some poetry.
Small
An appointment, as usual, unhurried to late,
Out for the money. liasion with fate,
Small shadow cast by body in sun
Smiling to last, image of perfection.
As she sits down her face I can’t see,
Wrapped up in boards, She doesn’t see me.
hunched over to sign, her body arched low,
Playing my heart strings like chello and bow.
Still doesn’t see me just walks to leave,
My expecting face, heart on my sleeve,
Willing her, though I shouldn’t, Pain go, but how?
Soon soon soon Lipton, not to long now.
The same pain I feel each time I see,
No worse at first be praying by me
Though pain should be happy, forward rest Small,
My overbreath
Because my love, you’ll just devour them all.
Photos
[top right margin:] Ticket + letter D.H.S.
file ‘o’ fax.
Garage bedroom.
Mummy / voodoo box.
Me.
A level grade overlayed with plastic
Rosary on black background.
2 Aquarian Cards.
As if clock.
[Symbol: square with a diagonal line through it]
I just walked in and people notice me.
Its just to obvious. I walk into a tavern,
stand up and a fight will ensue.
[top right margin, boxed:] MAO TSE TUNG
CULTURAL REVOLUTION
COMMUNIST REVOLUTION
31 JANUARY 1949.
[Doodle: abstract curved shapes and a circle]
END OF DIARY ######
Handwriting Note:
Astrological Symbols: On page 104, the author uses three distinct astrological glyphs inline with the text: the symbol for Venus (a circle with a cross below), the Trine aspect (a triangle), and the Sun (a circle with a dot in the center). These have been transcribed as [Venus symbol] [Trine symbol] [Sun symbol].
Emphasis via Capitalization: On page 106, the author uses full block capitals for emphasis (“GONE ON TO THE COMMISSING EDITOR” and “GONE ON”). This is a departure from their usual underlining for emphasis.
Sequential Corrections: Page 108 features a clear example of the author’s stream-of-consciousness writing where a phrase is repeated and slightly altered without crossing out the error: “The very last page in the very last page for the very last letter.” This has been transcribed exactly as written.
Handwriting Note:
Diagrams & Marginalia: Page 91 features a small, abstract diagram (a square connected to a dotted rectangle) with an explanatory note. Page 92 includes a diagram of two circles illustrating the “2 rythmns” of the mantra, showing the author’s attempt to visually map their internal meditative state.
Spelling Quirks: The author continues to use phonetic or habitual misspellings: “beleiving”, “possibility’s”, “minuits”, “achive”, “alot”, “tommorow”, “definate”, “vietnamese” (uncapitalized), and “magickal”.
Correction Style: On page 97, the author writes “(it was a I think a sports maga or in magazine)”. The lack of crossing out suggests a stream-of-consciousness flow where corrections are simply written sequentially
Z================================
Z====
Handwriting Note:
Physical Inserts: Page 71 contains a taped-in exam results slip. The author’s real name (John Simon Lipton) is visible here, contrasting with the pseudonyms or nicknames used elsewhere. This has been transcribed in brackets to denote the physical object.
Diagrams & Instructional Sketches: Page 76 features a functional sketch of nested boxes (“document”, “shoe”, “pen box”) relating to a magical/meditative practice. The author’s integration of text and diagram is becoming more structural.
Spelling & Grammar Quirks: The author continues to use phonetic spellings like “accomodation”, “collage”, “tierd”, and “sence”. We also see erratic apostrophe use (“photo’s”, “Paki’s”) and homophone confusion (“to” instead of “too” on page 78). These are preserved exactly as written
Handwriting Note:
Chronological Error: On page 69, the author writes “Saturday 5th August 1992”, despite the preceding entries being clearly dated in early September (and the hotel receipt being dated late August). This has been transcribed exactly as written, preserving the author’s slip of the pen.
Ephemera Integration: The author is now taping full documents (business cards and an invoice) directly over the lined pages. These have been noted with bracketed descriptions to maintain the flow of the text while acknowledging the physical artifacts.
Symbolic Shorthand: Page 63 features a line of repeating, small abstract symbols used as a section divider. The author’s use of non-textual elements is becoming more frequent
Handwriting Note
Phonetic Spelling “collage”: The author consistently spells “college” as “collage” (seen multiple times on pages 56, 57, and 59). This must be preserved exactly as written, even when context clearly indicates an educational institution.
Marginalia & Non-Linear Text: Page 51 shows the author using the top margin for brief, dated meditation logs and the right margin for vertical text. These fragmented notes often contain heavy abbreviations or rushed handwriting, requiring careful parsing.
Inserted Ephemera: The author has begun taping items directly into the diary (e.g., the “NORTH CORNWALL” postcard collage). These should be noted in brackets as [Postcard collage: TEXT] or similar descriptive tags
Handwriting Note:
-
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “definately”, “tommorow”, “beleive”, “minuite”, “ealier”, “aswell”, “sucessful”, “Everytime”, “lonelyness”.
-
Format Change: The writer has switched to a different notepad, writing on smaller sheets which they numbered (1-9) and presumably pasted into the main diary later. The text is larger and more spaced out on these pages. The word “DIARY” is written in large block letters at the start of this section.
-
Corrections/Insertions: The writer crossed out a word before “Church” in the Q&A section on page 9, which looks like “I think” or similar, but is heavily obscured. It is transcribed as _scribble_ or omitted if illegible, but context implies a false start
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “tierd”, “Bussiness”, “unbeleivable”, “Ofcourse”, “tommorow”, “aswell”, “expencive”, “ealish”.
Corrections/Insertions: The writer inserted “(I stayed near Yasmine)” above the line, which has been incorporated into the text. They also crossed out “Med-Saturday 29” and wrote “today 27 (sun)” next to it, which was transcribed as written on the page.
Letterforms: The writer’s ‘y’ often has a very short descender, making it look like a ‘v’ or ‘u’ (e.g., “say”, “day”). The ‘g’ in “Burgerking” is written with a distinct separation between the loop and the descender
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “minuite”, “beleif”, “tommorow”, “acheived”, “beleive”, “theraputic”, “peirce”, “aint”.
Strikethroughs: The writer crossed out a word heavily on the first page (“Ann’s away until next [scribble] week”). This is represented as _scribble_ or simply omitted if totally illegible, but here the context is clear.
Letterforms: The writer’s capital ‘I’ often looks like a simple vertical stroke, sometimes with a small serif at the top. The word “Weley!” at the start of the August 21st entry is peculiar but clearly written. It might be a phonetic spelling or a personal exclamation
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “acheivement”, “tommorow”, “companys”, “definately”, “bathering”, “everytime”, “beleif”, “disapointed”, “Ofcourse”.
Deciphering challenges: The word “?rave” before “mania” is very difficult to read. The ‘r’ is malformed and the ‘v’ looks like a ‘u’. The context of the dream doesn’t provide a clear clue, so it’s flagged with a question mark. The word “bathering” is likely a misspelling of “bothering,” but transcribed as written.
Symbols: The writer uses a small doodle of three stars connected by lines to separate sections. This has been noted in brackets
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “explinations”, “Tommorow”, “releave”, “Unbeleivable”, “explination”, “minuite”, “beleif”, “voulenteer”.
Punctuation: The writer often uses a slash (/) to indicate alternatives or additions (e.g., “benefits / perks”, “cards / money”). These have been preserved. Parentheses are used frequently for asides.
Letterforms: The writer’s ‘v’ and ‘u’ are often indistinguishable, requiring context (e.g., “voulenteer”, “unbeleivable”). The ‘s’ at the end of words is often a simple downward stroke.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “buddism”, “beleifs”, “concered”, “Allright”, “acheive”, “cruely”, “refered”, “ect”, “includering”, “wifes”, “probbly”, “attatched”, “someoe”, “trys”, “GENETALIA”, “BELEIVING”, “AUTO MATICALLY”, “beeing”, “Demiurgue”, “po-litics”.
Date Flag: The date “Tuesday 4th April 1992” was flagged with a question mark (?April) as April 4th, 1992 was a Saturday, and the preceding chronological entry was August. The writer clearly made an error in the month.
Capitalization: The writer uses block capitals for emphasis in several places (e.g., “SHE WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TIME TO DO THAT” and the entire final paragraph). These have been preserved exactly as written.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “minuite”, “inntroduction”, “deja-vous”, “conciously”, “releave”, “anxeius”, “sucessfully”, “ealier”, “alot”, “Buddism”, “minuits”.
Letterforms: The writer’s ‘x’ (as seen in “anxeius” and “sixish”) is highly cursive and can easily be mistaken for an ‘sc’ or ‘se’ ligature. Additionally, the ‘g’ in words like “arguing” is frequently disjointed, leaving a gap between the loop and the descender.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “tendency’s”, “absurditys”, “attatched”, “tommorow”, “ealier”, “Budda”, “alot”, “allright”, “sence”, “rythm”, “acheive”, “burgerking”, “twelvish”, “acheived”.
Visual Elements: The writer has included several diagrams related to the Qabalistic Tree of Life (Tiphareth, Geburah, Chesed) and a diagram concerning the “Sea of Consciousness.” These have been described in bracketed markup. There is also a very small, faint textual insertion at the top right of the second page, which has been transcribed.
Letterforms: The writer’s lowercase “k” in words like “magick” and “book” often resembles an “h” or an uncrossed “t”, requiring context to decipher. The name “Kay Snow Sara” at the end of the fourth page is written with distinct capitalization but unusual letter spacing.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “beleive”, “tommorow”, “minuite”, “incase”, “someoe”, “aswell”, “Calsberg”.
Punctuation: The writer occasionally uses a comma where a full stop would be expected, or omits punctuation entirely at the end of a thought (e.g., “Write up tommorow when I’m a bit sorted.”). These have been transcribed exactly as written.
Letterforms: The writer’s ‘f’ often has a very large, sweeping lower loop, sometimes interfering with the line below. The ampersand (‘&’) is written as a simple cross or plus sign (‘+’).
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “explinations”, “Tommorow”, “releave”, “Unbeleivable”, “explination”, “minuite”, “beleif”, “voulenteer”.
Punctuation: The writer often uses a slash (/) to indicate alternatives or additions (e.g., “benefits / perks”, “cards / money”). These have been preserved. Parentheses are used frequently for asides.
Letterforms: The writer’s ‘v’ and ‘u’ are often indistinguishable, requiring context (e.g., “voulenteer”, “unbeleivable”). The ‘s’ at the end of words is often a simple downward stroke.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “acheivement”, “tommorow”, “companys”, “definately”, “bathering”, “everytime”, “beleif”, “disapointed”, “Ofcourse”.
Deciphering challenges: The word “?rave” before “mania” is very difficult to read. The ‘r’ is malformed and the ‘v’ looks like a ‘u’. The context of the dream doesn’t provide a clear clue, so it’s flagged with a question mark. The word “bathering” is likely a misspelling of “bothering,” but transcribed as written.
Symbols: The writer uses a small doodle of three stars connected by lines to separate sections. This has been noted in brackets.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “minuite”, “beleif”, “tommorow”, “acheived”, “beleive”, “theraputic”, “peirce”, “aint”.
Strikethroughs: The writer crossed out a word heavily on the first page (“Ann’s away until next [scribble] week”). This is represented as _scribble_ or simply omitted if totally illegible, but here the context is clear.
Letterforms: The writer’s capital ‘I’ often looks like a simple vertical stroke, sometimes with a small serif at the top. The word “Weley!” at the start of the August 21st entry is peculiar but clearly written. It might be a phonetic spelling or a personal exclamation.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “tierd”, “Bussiness”, “unbeleivable”, “Ofcourse”, “tommorow”, “aswell”, “expencive”, “ealish”.
Corrections/Insertions: The writer inserted “(I stayed near Yasmine)” above the line, which has been incorporated into the text. They also crossed out “Med-Saturday 29” and wrote “today 27 (sun)” next to it, which was transcribed as written on the page.
Letterforms: The writer’s ‘y’ often has a very short descender, making it look like a ‘v’ or ‘u’ (e.g., “say”, “day”). The ‘g’ in “Burgerking” is written with a distinct separation between the loop and the descender.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “tierd”, “definately”, “tommorow”, “aswell”, “batterys”, “assult”, “neadles”, “ofcourse”, “beleive”, “magickally”.
Corrections/Insertions: The writer frequently uses parentheses for side thoughts, sometimes leaving them unclosed or nesting them confusingly (e.g., “(oh I see, then continuing my smoking. It’s 6:41 and I want (oh no, a drunk just came up”). These have been transcribed verbatim.
Formatting: The writer notes “I’m writing really small so they can’t see what it is.” The text size does decrease significantly in the original image for that section. The arrow pointing to Julie (“->”) is transcribed as written.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “definately”, “tommorow”, “beleive”, “minuite”, “ealier”, “aswell”, “sucessful”, “Everytime”, “lonelyness”.
Format Change: The writer has switched to a different notepad, writing on smaller sheets which they numbered (1-9) and presumably pasted into the main diary later. The text is larger and more spaced out on these pages. The word “DIARY” is written in large block letters at the start of this section.
Corrections/Insertions: The writer crossed out a word before “Church” in the Q&A section on page 9, which looks like “I think” or similar, but is heavily obscured. It is transcribed as _scribble_ or omitted if illegible, but context implies a false start.
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic spellings preserved: “Unbeleivable”, “write” (instead of right), “vegeburger”, “Ofcourse”, “expencive”, “breefly”, “ecstacy”, “minuits”.
Format: The writer continues using the small numbered notepad pages. The numbering is circled at the bottom left of each page.
Image Quality: Page 16/17 (image 4) is slightly out of focus, making some words difficult to decipher, but context and careful examination allow for a complete transcription. The phrase “student up £10,000” is unusual but appears to be what is written.
Handwriting Note (Preparation for File 65):
Spacing & Baselines: The author’s handwriting tends to drift upward on unlined or loosely lined sections, and word spacing can become erratic when they are writing passionately (e.g., the description of the “angel” voice).
Letter ‘m’ and ‘n’: These frequently flatten out into straight lines or gentle waves (seen in “movement” and “Yasmine”), requiring heavy reliance on context to distinguish from ‘u’ or ‘r’.
Crossed-out words: The author uses a single, sometimes faint, horizontal line for strike-throughs (e.g., _a mate to_, _meeting_), which can easily be mistaken for an underline or a stray pen mark. We will need to remain vigilant for these subtle corrections in the upcoming file.
Handwriting Note:
The Number “4”: Page 32 clearly demonstrates the author’s “open-top” 4 (in “film on 4”), which looks like an ‘L’ with a vertical stroke through the horizontal line.
Doodles/Symbols: Page 37 introduces small, hand-drawn Stars of David inserted directly into the text lines, possibly as personal markers or related to the “magick” theme mentioned.
Spelling Quirks: The author consistently uses the spelling “magick” (with a ‘k’) and continues to exhibit known phonetic spellings like “tommorow”, “tierd”, and “definately”.
Spacing & Baselines: The author’s handwriting tends to drift upward on unlined or loosely lined sections, and word spacing can become erratic when they are writing passionately (e.g., the description of the “angel” voice).
Letter ‘m’ and ‘n’: These frequently flatten out into straight lines or gentle waves (seen in “movement” and “Yasmine”), requiring heavy reliance on context to distinguish from ‘u’ or ‘r’.
Crossed-out words: The author uses a single, sometimes faint, horizontal line for strike-throughs (e.g., _a mate to_, _meeting_), which can easily be mistaken for an underline or a stray pen mark. We will need to remain vigilant for these subtle corrections in the upcoming file
Handwriting Note:
Symbols in Text: The author has begun integrating drawn symbols directly into the prose, such as the upward and downward pointing arrows on pages 46 and 47, used as shorthand for concepts like “increase/decrease” or specific esoteric meanings.
Diagrams: Page 46 features a structured grid of circles and arrows (described as a “Kabbalistic grid”). The spacing and alignment of these elements are deliberate, showing a shift from pure journaling to working notes.
Spelling & Phonetics: The author continues to use specific spellings like “magick” (with a ‘k’), “beleive” (ei inversion), “simplist”, “aswell” (one word), and “tommorow”. The abbreviation “Ys” is used for Yasmine.
Handwriting Note (Preparation for File 75):
Phonetic Spelling “collage”: The author consistently spells “college” as “collage” (seen multiple times on pages 56, 57, and 59). This must be preserved exactly as written, even when context clearly indicates an educational institution.
Marginalia & Non-Linear Text: Page 51 shows the author using the top margin for brief, dated meditation logs and the right margin for vertical text. These fragmented notes often contain heavy abbreviations or rushed handwriting, requiring careful parsing.
Inserted Ephemera: The author has begun taping items directly into the diary (e.g., the “NORTH CORNWALL” postcard collage). These should be noted in brackets as [Postcard collage: TEXT] or similar descriptive tags.
Handwriting Note:
Chronological Error: On page 69, the author writes “Saturday 5th August 1992”, despite the preceding entries being clearly dated in early September (and the hotel receipt being dated late August). This has been transcribed exactly as written, preserving the author’s slip of the pen.
Ephemera Integration: The author is now taping full documents (business cards and an invoice) directly over the lined pages. These have been noted with bracketed descriptions to maintain the flow of the text while acknowledging the physical artifacts.
Symbolic Shorthand: Page 63 features a line of repeating, small abstract symbols used as a section divider. The author’s use of non-textual elements is becoming more frequent.
Handwriting Note:
Physical Inserts: Page 71 contains a taped-in exam results slip. The author’s real name (John Simon Lipton) is visible here, contrasting with the pseudonyms or nicknames used elsewhere. This has been transcribed in brackets to denote the physical object.
Diagrams & Instructional Sketches: Page 76 features a functional sketch of nested boxes (“document”, “shoe”, “pen box”) relating to a magical/meditative practice. The author’s integration of text and diagram is becoming more structural.
Spelling & Grammar Quirks: The author continues to use phonetic spellings like “accomodation”, “collage”, “tierd”, and “sence”. We also see erratic apostrophe use (“photo’s”, “Paki’s”) and homophone confusion (“to” instead of “too” on page 78). These are preserved exactly as written.
Handwriting Note:
Headings and Structure: Page 88 shows a clear shift to structured note-taking with the large, spaced heading “Y O G A” and numbered lists. The handwriting here is slightly more deliberate than the rapid journal entries.
Symbols in Text: The author uses the Star of David (Page 84) directly in a sentence as a noun or concept (“how [Star of David] is with initiation”), indicating the symbol has taken on a specific, shorthand meaning in their personal lexicon.
Spelling Quirks: The author continues to use “accomodation”, “seperate”, “beleifs”, “achive”, “ridigidity”, and “inaccessable”. These are preserved verbatim. The word “too” is frequently spelled “to” (e.g., “going to slowly” on page 84).
Handwriting Note:
Diagrams & Marginalia: Page 91 features a small, abstract diagram (a square connected to a dotted rectangle) with an explanatory note. Page 92 includes a diagram of two circles illustrating the “2 rythmns” of the mantra, showing the author’s attempt to visually map their internal meditative state.
Spelling Quirks: The author continues to use phonetic or habitual misspellings: “beleiving”, “possibility’s”, “minuits”, “achive”, “alot”, “tommorow”, “definate”, “vietnamese” (uncapitalized), and “magickal”.
Correction Style: On page 97, the author writes “(it was a I think a sports maga or in magazine)”. The lack of crossing out suggests a stream-of-consciousness flow where corrections are simply written sequentially.
Handwriting Note:
Astrological Symbols: On page 104, the author uses three distinct astrological glyphs inline with the text: the symbol for Venus (a circle with a cross below), the Trine aspect (a triangle), and the Sun (a circle with a dot in the center). These have been transcribed as [Venus symbol] [Trine symbol] [Sun symbol].
Emphasis via Capitalization: On page 106, the author uses full block capitals for emphasis (“GONE ON TO THE COMMISSING EDITOR” and “GONE ON”). This is a departure from their usual underlining for emphasis.
Sequential Corrections: Page 108 features a clear example of the author’s stream-of-consciousness writing where a phrase is repeated and slightly altered without crossing out the error: “The very last page in the very last page for the very last letter.” This has been transcribed exactly as written.
Handwriting Note:
Sequential Corrections: On page 110, the author writes “lose it sooner than later tommorow rather than later”, repeating and modifying the phrase without crossing out the initial thought. This stream-of-consciousness style is transcribed exactly as written.
Capitalization for Emphasis: The author uses full capitalization for emphasis on page 110 (“BELEIVE”) and page 115 (“LAST NIGHT”).
Spelling Quirks: The author continues to use phonetic and habitual misspellings, including “tommorow”, “the’ll”, “disapointed”, “achiving”, “theirs” (for there’s), “ect.”, “preceeding”, “batterys”, and “definately”.
Handwriting Note:
Ligatures & Spacing: The writer frequently runs words together when writing quickly (e.g., “infront”, “Burgerking”). The ‘th’ join is very fluid, often looking like a single looped character.
Letter ‘p’: The descender on the ‘p’ is often very short or loops back up immediately, making words like “preform” and “properly” look slightly cramped.
Grammar/Syntax Quirks: Noticed a tendency to drop pronouns or use incorrect ones in fast thought streams (e.g., “I’ll knock me for six” instead of “It’ll knock me for six”). Preserved exactly as written per the literal accuracy rule.
Handwriting Note:
Spelling & Phonetics: The writer consistently uses “definately” and “tommorow” as noted in the dictionary of idiosyncrasies. We also see “posessed” (missing the first double ‘s’) and “infront” written as a single compound word.
Capitalization: The writer occasionally shifts into full block capitals for emphasis (e.g., “I AM NOW IN CONTROL OF LIFE ITSELF”), which are transcribed exactly as rendered.
Punctuation: Parentheses are used heavily to denote real-time intrusive thoughts or observations of the environment while writing (e.g., noting the people in the cafe). Periods are sometimes omitted before these parenthetical breaks but are implied by the capitalization of the next sentence.
Handwriting Note:
Phonetic/Idiosyncratic Spelling: The writer spells lounge as “Loungue”, uses “their” instead of “there”, and writes “the’ll” instead of “there’ll”. These have been preserved exactly as written.
Letter ‘b’: The lowercase ‘b’ is often left unclosed at the bottom loop, making words like “bloke” and “bus” initially resemble “smake” or “Nus”. Context and the ascender height are key to deciphering them.
Uncrossed ‘t’s: In words written quickly, such as “rituals”, the ‘t’ is completely uncrossed, causing it to blend into the surrounding vowels
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic Spelling: The writer continues to use highly specific phonetic spellings, including “tommorow”, “beeing”, “loungue”, “sentimentallity” (with a double ‘l’), and “alot” (as one word).
Grammar & Dropped Words: The writer frequently drops words or uses disjointed syntax when writing quickly. Examples include “I got a letter from college to The history tutor has died” and “The was a form” (instead of “There was a form”). These have been transcribed exactly as written to preserve the visual truth of the text.
Capitalization: Mid-sentence capitalization is common for emphasis or as a stream-of-consciousness quirk (e.g., “I Must ring college”, “to The history tutor”).
Handwriting Note:
Idiosyncratic Spelling: The writer’s specific phonetic habits are highly visible here, including “definately”, “minuit”, and “the’ll”. These have been preserved exactly as written.
Emphasis & Capitalization: The writer uses full capitalization and underlines for strong emphasis (e.g., “THAT’S”, “YES”, “WHAT”). These are transcribed verbatim to maintain the emotional visual truth of the page.
Syntax & Flow: The stream-of-consciousness style leads to disjointed sentences and repeated words (e.g., “Received it I, I don’t I told the gnome”, “write a book with a fountain pen so I can make a book”). No autocorrect or grammatical smoothing has been applied.
[Handwriting Note]
– Phonetic/habitual spellings observed: “womans” (missing apostrophe),
“doppleganger”, “magickal”, “beleive”, “alot”.
– Inconsistent apostrophe use preserved exactly as written (e.g., “Simons”
followed immediately by “Simon’s”).
– Mid-sentence capitalization preserved (e.g., “Co-incidence”).
– A new section divider appears: a horizontal line bisected by a small cross.
– The protruding printed insert at the top edge of the notebook has been
ignored per Rule 4, as it is clearly a loose it
em belonging elsewhere.
[Handwriting Note]
– Phonetic/habitual spellings observed: “acheived”, “now adays”.
– Stream-of-consciousness repetition preserved exactly as written (e.g., “it it was was”, “was / was actually”).
– Missing apostrophes preserved (e.g., “she s”).
– Mid-sentence capitalization and all-caps emphasis preserved (e.g., “Characterised”, “USUALLY”).
– A new symbol appears: a circled ‘A’ next to “G.C.S.E”.
– The ink visibly fades towards the end of the first paragraph on the right page, prompting the writer’s comment “I must let this pen out.”, followed by a switch to a darker pen for the subsequent paragraphs.
– The protruding printed insert at the top edge has been ignored per Rule 4, as it is a loose item belonging elsewhere.