This work is based on Find Your Story, Write Your Memoir by Lynn C. Miller and Lisa Lenard-Cook, published by The University of Wisconsin Press.

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Overview

This book provides a guide to crafting a compelling and authentic memoir. The central focus is on transforming personal memories into a skillfully told story by employing elements of fiction writing. It emphasizes understanding your motivations for writing, defining your voice, structuring your narrative effectively, and honoring the ethics of memoir writing. A key concept is the “two yous” – the experiencing self and the remembering self.

 

Key Themes and Ideas

 

Finding Your Story and Defining the “Occasion of the Telling”

The first step in writing a memoir is identifying the “spark or trigger” that compels you to tell your story. The “occasion of the telling” answers the question, “Why is this story being told now?” It establishes the urgency and risk of sharing this particular story at this particular moment.

“A memoir’s opening pages set up the urgency or risk of telling this particular story at this particular moment. Whether there’s a deathbed confession or a Proustian madeleine, something in an author’s ‘present’ compels him or her to revisit the past.”
Consider significant events in your life and how they have haunted you, as these “spotlit moments” can be the seeds of your memoir.

 

The “Two Yous”: Experiencing Self vs. Remembering Self

A core concept is the interplay between the “two yous”: the self who experienced the events and the self who is remembering and reflecting on them.

“Thus, like Didion, your first step in determining your story’s occasion of the telling is to understand that writing a memoir requires what we like to call the two yous: who you are now, looking back at what happened with whatever insight compelled you to begin writing (the occasion of the telling); and who you were then—younger, perhaps not so wise, but living through those moments.”

The experiencing self is immersed in sensory details of the past, while the remembering self provides perspective and insight gained over time. The interaction between these two selves propels the story forward.

“Memoir is the intersection of narration and reflection, of storytelling and essay writing. It can present its story and consider the meaning of the story.”

Mark Doty’s example shows how the “remembering self” offers objective distance and handles the hard work of revisiting the past.

“What was can’t be restored; I can neither have Wally back in the flesh, nor return to the self I inhabited before his death…The break, from now on, is an inescapable part of who I am, perhaps the inescapable part.”

Koren Zailckas’s memoir demonstrates the distinction between the experiencing self and the remembering self with the former immersed in the moment and the latter offering commentary and distance.

 

Structure and Plot

Structure acts as a container for the telling, organically allowing events to create impact and meaning. The choice of structure should allow the narrative to flow and breathe, while still being focused.

Plot is the dramatic sequencing of events, carefully devised and crafted by the writer. Organizing events into a sequence is essential.

Several structural options exist:
Associative: Connecting moments through strong images (e.g., Mark Doty’s Heaven’s Coast).
Locational: Grounding the narrative in specific places (e.g., Julie Mars’s A Month of Sundays).
The occasion of the telling provides perspective on action.

 

Voice and Style

Every writer has a unique style and voice. In memoir, voice and style inform the story as the author views their remembered self with compassion, humor, and forgiveness.

“Every writer has his own unique style and voice, and in memoir this style and voice inform the story being told as the author views his remembered self with compassion, humor, and even forgiveness.”

Develop an authentic voice by understanding the difference between you (the narrator) and you (the character).
Study the voices of accomplished memoirists like Mary Karr (down-home and funny), Eudora Welty (sage storyteller), and Mario Vargas Llosa (formal and intellectual).

 

Crafting Compelling Scenes

Scenes are the building blocks of the story, allowing readers to experience moments from your life and your point of view. Scenes act as mirrors the readers can immerse themselves in.

A strong scene engages the reader’s senses and emotions, containing elements such as:

Particularizing the moment.
Immediacy.
Powerful language.
Telling details.
Dialogue.

A classic dramatic structure for a scene includes: Catalyst, Conflict, Rising Action, Reversals, Climax, and Denouement.
“Just as you use structure and plot to build a form for your story, well-written scenes are mirrors that readers can pass through to forget their own lives as they immerse themselves in your story’s world.”

Use the concepts of chronos (clock time) and kairos (sacred time) to affect tension.

 

Language and Setting

Details, especially telling details, make a story unforgettable. Language creates memorable details through sensory impact, a sense of place, and action.

Employ figurative language, especially metaphor, to personalize meaning and connect unrelated things.
“When Homer speaks of the ‘wine-dark sea’ in The Iliad, he imbues the water with the intensity and bloodshed of war.”
Figurative language devices to implement: Texture, Sound, Smell and Taste, and Objects.
Setting and landscape should be vividly painted for the reader, utilizing metaphor and leitmotifs. Milieu refers to the social environment.
Language can control the experience of time through scene, summary, and description.
Dialogue should capture character and tone, revealing motives and priorities. Silence can also be a powerful dramatic tool.

 

The Revision Process

Revision strategies include:

Reading the manuscript aloud.
Analyzing the opening, the “two yous,” the scenes, painting of the picture, and the overall voice.
Ensure that elements such as imagery and metaphor are true to the milieu.
Seeking feedback from trusted readers who respect your story.

 

Ethics and Truth

Define your own truth in the story you have to tell. It is understood that dialogue from years ago will not be remembered verbatim.
Judith Barrington, William Zinsser, and Vivian Gornick are referenced as further resources on memoir ethics.
Gornick’s “The Situation and the Story” is a rich source on the nuances of a memoir writer’s ethics that excavates the memoir’s value in testifying to one’s own particular story and the power of both reader and writer to witness the personal journey.

 

The Value of Memoir Writing

Memoir writing is a journey of self-discovery. It allows you to view your past through the lens of a significant life event and better understand your present.

“One of the paradoxes of writing a memoir is that through the act of burrowing deeply into the past, we come to better understand where we are now and how we got there. In a sense, writing a memoir is an act of identity construction and reconstruction.”

Memoir writing can make a difference to others.

 

Key Quotes

• “Find Your Story, Write Your Memoir focuses on enhancing your narrative by using the Fiction Writer’s Toolkit.”
• “The fact that you want to write a memoir at all indicates that you’re interested in the journey of self-discovery, a key to the telling of all stories, whether fiction or nonfiction.”
• “To write one’s life is to live it twice, and the second living is both spiritual and historical, for a memoir reaches deep within the personality as it seeks its narrative form”
• “Maybe a reader’s love of memoir is less an intrusive lust for confession than a hankering for the intimacy of [the] first-person voice, the deeply satisfying sense of being spoken to privately. More than a story, we want a voice speaking softly, urgently, in our ear.”
• “We think in generalities,” wrote Alfred North Whitehead. “But we live in detail.” To which I would add: we remember in detail, we recognize in details, we identify, we re-create”

 

Some ideas

• Identify five significant events in your life.
• Imagine a photograph capturing the essence of each event and describe it in detail.
• List places that have figured prominently in your life and draw associative connections between them.
• Consider the “catalyst” for your story: what did you want, and what stood in your way?
• Record a story you know well and then write it down, analyzing the differences between your spoken and written voice.
• Identify the voices in your head that either encourage or discourage you from telling your story.
• Explore a moment of silence in a memoir of your choosing. Construct three versions of a silent moment in your story using gesture, description, and rhythm/repetition.

 

Memoir Writing Study Guide

 

Quiz

What is the “occasion of the telling” and why is it important in memoir writing?
The occasion of the telling is the writer’s present state of mind and the urgency or risk that compels them to revisit the past and tell a specific story now, setting up the stakes and consequences for the reader. It is important because it establishes the purpose and relevance of the memoir.

Explain the concept of the “two yous” in memoir writing.
The “two yous” refer to the “experiencing self” (the person who lived through the events) and the “remembering self” (the narrator reflecting on those events). The interaction and tension between these two perspectives propel the story forward and provide depth.

What does the source say about truth in memoir?
The source material explains that exact recall of dialogue from years past isn’t always possible, but authenticity is achieved when characters are fully developed and speak believably within the established context.

How can plot and structure create impact and meaning?
Plot is the dramatic sequence of events, and structure is the container for those events. A well-chosen structure allows events to create impact and meaning by shaping the narrative in a way that is unique to the story.

Describe an “emblematic scene.”
An emblematic scene is a specific, spotlit moment that stands in for or symbolizes a larger situation or experience within the memoir. It condenses meaning and provides a powerful connection to the broader narrative.

Explain the difference between chronos and kairos in the context of memoir writing.
Chronos is clock time, while kairos is subjective or “sacred” time where moments expand or contract. Memoirists can use language to manipulate the reader’s experience of time (kairos) to enhance tension and emotional impact.

Why is silence important in a memoir?
Silence, like dialogue, can be a powerful tool for conveying unspoken emotions, creating tension, and allowing readers to interpret meaning between the lines. It adds depth and realism to the narrative.

What is cinema verité and how can it be used in memoir?
Cinema verité is a filmmaking style that aims to capture reality. In memoir, it involves adopting a “camera’s-eye view,” allowing the writer to describe the scene from their past perspective, limited by what they could actually see and experience at that time.

What is point of view in memoir?
Point of view refers to the assumed eyes and ears of the “person” telling a story. In the case of memoir, this is almost always you. As the writer, the story is told through the narrator’s unique lens and perspective.

How is the “I” in memoir a “literary device?”
The “I” in memoir is not the literal self, but a carefully crafted persona or literary construction used to explore complicated truths and engage the reader in the story.

 

Answer Key

The occasion of the telling is the writer’s present state of mind and the urgency or risk that compels them to revisit the past and tell a specific story now, setting up the stakes and consequences for the reader. It is important because it establishes the purpose and relevance of the memoir.

The “two yous” refer to the “experiencing self” (the person who lived through the events) and the “remembering self” (the narrator reflecting on those events). The interaction and tension between these two perspectives propel the story forward and provide depth.

The source material explains that exact recall of dialogue from years past isn’t always possible, but authenticity is achieved when characters are fully developed and speak believably within the established context.

Plot is the dramatic sequence of events, and structure is the container for those events. A well-chosen structure allows events to create impact and meaning by shaping the narrative in a way that is unique to the story.

An emblematic scene is a specific, spotlit moment that stands in for or symbolizes a larger situation or experience within the memoir. It condenses meaning and provides a powerful connection to the broader narrative.

Chronos is clock time, while kairos is subjective or “sacred” time where moments expand or contract. Memoirists can use language to manipulate the reader’s experience of time (kairos) to enhance tension and emotional impact.

Silence, like dialogue, can be a powerful tool for conveying unspoken emotions, creating tension, and allowing readers to interpret meaning between the lines. It adds depth and realism to the narrative.

Cinema verité is a filmmaking style that aims to capture reality. In memoir, it involves adopting a “camera’s-eye view,” allowing the writer to describe the scene from their past perspective, limited by what they could actually see and experience at that time.

Point of view refers to the assumed eyes and ears of the “person” telling a story. In the case of memoir, this is almost always you. As the writer, the story is told through the narrator’s unique lens and perspective.

The “I” in memoir is not the literal self, but a carefully crafted persona or literary construction used to explore complicated truths and engage the reader in the story.

 

Essay Questions

Discuss the ethical considerations memoir writers must face when portraying themselves and others. How can a writer balance the desire for truth with the need to respect privacy and avoid harm?

Analyze the different structural approaches a memoirist might take (chronological, associative, locational, etc.) and explain how the choice of structure impacts the overall narrative and reader experience. Provide examples from well-known memoirs to illustrate your points.

Explain the importance of voice in memoir writing. How does a writer develop a unique and authentic voice that resonates with readers, and what techniques can they use to enhance their narrative voice?

Examine the role of setting and imagery in creating a vivid and compelling world within a memoir. How can a writer use language to evoke a strong sense of place and time, and how do these elements contribute to the overall meaning of the story?

Explore the relationship between the experiencing self and the remembering self in memoir writing. How does the interplay between these two perspectives shape the narrative, and what are the challenges and opportunities involved in balancing them effectively?

 

Glossary of Key Terms

• Associative Structure: A memoir structure where scenes are linked by a quality, mood, or connection, mirroring how memory itself is triggered.
• Autobiography: A comprehensive account of a person’s entire life, typically covering a broader scope than a memoir.
• Catalyst: A specific incident or moment that illuminates the occasion of the telling and sets the memoir’s story in motion.
• Cinema Verité: A filmmaking style that aims to capture reality. In memoir, it involves adopting a camera’s-eye view, allowing the writer to describe the scene from their past perspective, limited by what they could actually see and experience at that time.
• Chronos: Clock time or chronological time.
• Climax: The turning point of the story where the main conflict is addressed.
• Conflict: The central tension or obstacle that a character faces, driving the plot forward.
• Denouement: The resolution or aftermath of the climax, where loose ends are tied up and the story moves toward its conclusion.
• Denotative Meaning: The literal, dictionary definition of a word.
• Connotative Meaning: The implied or associated meanings of a word, influenced by its context and cultural associations.
• Diction: The writer’s choice of words.
• Emblematic Scene: A specific, spotlit moment that symbolizes a larger situation or experience within the memoir.
• Experiencing Self: The person who lived through the events being described in the memoir, experiencing them in the moment.
• Kairos: Subjective or “sacred” time where moments expand or contract.
• Leitmotif: A recurring image, symbol, or phrase that develops a complex metaphor throughout the story.
• Locational Structure: A memoir structure that uses place or setting to ground the narrative, with different locations serving as organizing principles.
• Milieu: The social, cultural, and historical environment of a setting, contributing to its atmosphere and significance.
• Narrator: The voice telling the story; in memoir, the author constructing a specific persona.
• Occasion of the Telling: The writer’s present state of mind and the urgency or risk that compels them to revisit the past and tell a specific story now, setting up the stakes and consequences for the reader.
• Onomatopoeia: The formation of a word from a sound associated with what is named.
• Plot: The sequence of events in a story, carefully crafted to create dramatic tension and meaning.
• Point of View: The assumed eyes and ears of the “person” telling a story. In the case of memoir, this is almost always you.
• Remembering Self: The narrator reflecting on the past events, offering insight and perspective gained over time.
• Rising Action: The part of the story where tension builds, leading up to the climax.
• Story Arc: The movement among the elements of dramatic structure that form a narrative. See also dramatic structure.
• Structure: The framework that contains your story (and includes plot). (1) In an associative structure, the scenes are linked by a quality, a mood, a connection. This structure feels “natural,” as memory itself arises from such cues or triggers. (2) In a chronological structure, events unfold in linear time. (3) In a circular structure, a key or catalyzing incident serves as an anchor for the story; the narrator returns to it again and again. (4) A collage structure juxtaposes discrete events against one another; the reader fills in the gaps, making meaning by forging connections between events that seem unrelated. (5) A locational structure uses place or setting to ground the various segments of the narrative. (6) A parallel structure contrasts two time periods and often two people, creating deeper meaning via a rich, parallel narrative.
• Style: The sound of the voice on the page: its tone, rhythm, and way of speaking.
• Syntax: The arrangement of words in a sentence or utterance.
• Tone: The overall mood of a story or scene, created through language, events, and rhythm.
• Two Yous: You, the remembering self, now, and you, the experiencing self, then.
• Unreliable Narrator: A narrator whose account of events is biased, distorted, or untrustworthy, forcing the reader to question their perspective.
• Voice: The sound of the narrator on the page. More nuanced and sophisticated than your regular speaking voice, your voice on the page is the you who can best tell this story.

Some exercises

Think about stories that have resonated throughout your life. First, choose an often-told family story: jot down a description of the central character and how you came to hear about the story. Why do you think this story was handed down in your family? What did it illustrate? Second, note a story you’ve read, whether fiction or memoir, young adult or fable. How does the story begin? What event or thought causes the hero to make a break with the past or embark on a new path?

Using the notes you made in the spotlight exercise about family stories earlier in this chapter, take one story you remember and play with its organization in time. Try to come up with three versions of how it could be told. For example, if the story were told by an older sibling, how might it begin? How might the speaker go from now to then and back? Another example is noting how the story’s time sense would change if three or four members of the family chimed in to tell the story. Each might start events in a different place and give the listener a different context.

List five events in your life that are significant. Maybe they involve specific people or a move from one place to another. Maybe they spotlight other transitions, or possibly they are key turning points that haunt you. Don’t think too much; just write them down.

Taking each of the five events from the previous paragraph, imagine a photograph that captures some essence of the event. Write down a detailed description of what is in that photograph. What is in the foreground? What is in the background? What (or who) is not in the photograph, even though you know that person or thing should be a part of it? Who might have taken the photograph, if it were real?

Now choose one of the images from the above paragraph and make it move. Begin to construct a scene around that moving photograph. What happens because of what event or person? Again, don’t think too much; just try to get down this key moment in as much detail as you can.

Consider the canvas of a scene from your past you’d like to re-create on paper as if it were a still life. Now take a further step back and consider yourself considering that scene. Observe the observer you. What does she see now that she didn’t see then? What does she think about what she’s observing? Without judging either of the two yous, make some notes about the remembering you studying the experiencing you.

For this exercise, select a moment from your past that you hope to include in your memoir. First, write the scene as you remember it, using words and the writing skill you possess now, as a remembering narrator.

When you’ve finished this scene, put it away. Now write the same scene as if you were once again that younger you. Nothing you’ve learned since that moment can enter into this writing—not words, not experience, not hindsight. Try to use active verbs that bring to life the emotions you were experiencing then, and don’t forget to include more than just visual senses—add sounds, scents, tastes, feelings.

After finishing the second scene, read the two versions. Chances are, there will be parts of each of them that will work very well for your memoir. If you want to take this exercise one step further, try moving back and forth between these two yous to interweave these two renditions into one scene containing both your voices.

Choosing a memory from an exercise in chapter 1 or another memory that occurs to you right now, write a few paragraphs establishing the you who is remembering now, looking back on yourself in the past. Move back and forth between what you recall and how you view the incident/experience/action now. The insights you are able to bring to bear on the past as you do this illustrate the power of the remembering self and your ability to frame your experience with a depth the experiencing self cannot access.

 

Take some time now to select one of the occasions of the telling you recorded earlier. Next, write down one or more catalysts that could trigger a specific first scene in your memoir. Don’t censor; write down whatever first comes to you. While these events may not begin your memoir, they may very well be clues to other chapters or significant scenes in the narrative.

Beginning with the catalyst that you noted earlier in this chapter, list in chronological order what will happen in your memoir.

Consider the catalyst you noted at the beginning of this chapter. Is there a touchstone within it? It may not be obvious at first look. Touchstones can be anything from a spot on a wall to the sound of thunder. List some possible touchstones for your own memoir, and if one provides some immediate resonance for you, keep going and see where it takes you. See if you can successfully circle back to it and if it retains its sensuous aura when you do.

Imagine your story as a collection of objects. List the objects, then describe the textures and qualities of these objects in a notebook. Alternatively, think of a key event in your life and try to envision it as a series of photographs. What is the quality of the light in the images? What is the overall mood or tone of the pictures? The sensory details you’ll record in this exercise will help you to create strong physical/textural details in your story.

A good place to begin your consideration of what structure might work for you is with an informal list of what you hope your audience will take away from your memoir. Mention ideas as well as feelings. For example, do you hope that a story about a dear friend’s illness will prompt the reader to discover the gifts as well as the tolls of the illness? This list will point you not only toward events you’ll want to include but also, more importantly, toward the aspects of the self you wish to reveal in this project.

 

Think for a moment of the spotlit moments you recorded in chapter 1. The fact that these memories remain with you suggests that they are catalysts, fragments from which individual scenes might unspool. Even if you can’t recall what happened after the key image, writing it down will often unstop the memories you think you’ve lost.

Pick one of those moments now. Consider what has brought you, its protagonist, to this moment. Is there someone else in the picture? Who wants what? Make some notes as answers come to you. By the end of this chapter you’ll have used this spotlit moment to create a complete scene. Working on one scene at a time can keep you from being overwhelmed by the idea of writing your whole story.

List as many possibilities as you can, considering how the scene’s present, past, and future might affect it. Don’t worry about structure, spelling, or grammar—don’t even try for complete sentences at this point unless they come naturally. Just note as many possible climaxes as you can.

Record the moment after each of the epiphanies you imagined for your scene in the previous section. The experiencing you might move forward—or step back. The remembering you might comment, imagine, or conjecture. The important thing is to provide the reader with some sense that the narrator acknowledges what has happened in the scene while at the same time his or her larger narrative arc continues to move forward.

Go back now to your scene’s catalyst—the shimmering image with which you began. What did you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel when you first reimagined that moment? Take time to list words and sensory details that you can later use to re-create that image for readers.

Make a list of strong verbs that show the external action of your scene.

What are your first-date stories? Perhaps you always tell about the time you ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, or, conversely, how you were the one who figured out how to get a stalled elevator full of people in motion again. Each of these stories reveals something you believe to be emblematic about you—whether or not they truly are. So begin this exercise by writing down your go-to first-date story. Try to write it as you tell it, keeping its dramatic structure to the form you’ve mastered over the years.

Create a dynamic scene in your memoir from anywhere in the story. By dynamic we mean a scene that has a dramatic arc, uses sensory details and a specific moment in time/space to reveal character or further the action, or creates a parallel image/event to reinforce a main theme or throughline. Be as specific as you can to show the action.

 

Take one of the scenes you were working on in the exercises in chapter 4, or one of your possible entry points for the occasion of the telling in chapter 1, and experiment with creating metaphors for the action or characters. Use the list below to help you create comparisons that enhance the experiential qualities of your writing. In each case, use figurative writing to connote a sensuous comparison for a feeling, movement, or description.

• Texture: How does that blanket, that beach, that cold doorknob feel? Show it on the page.
• Sound: Use sound to evoke metaphoric feeling—the longing of a train whistle, for example, or the harsh clanging of a locomotive.

Create a visual representation for a sequence in your story: on a large piece of paper, map where the key events in your story occur. Insert images or metaphors that bring the place to life. Feel free to make this as abstract as you like—the key is that you are building a tangible map of your story that you can return to at any moment for inspiration. Feel free to revise this at any stage, as you learn more about your story.